Eating Disorders: What they Don't Tell You
Things That I Wish I'd Known
Your Hair: One day you go to do your hair and you notice it is dead and weak. Your once glowing finesss just kinda hangs there limp from your head like noodles. Have fun curling those, sweetie.For me, it was also my eyelashes. No amount of mascara could get those babies to look normal again! Washing my face was a nightmare because I just knew whenever I pulled my washcloth away there would be tons of long eyelashes stuck to it. Not fun.
Your Face: You look tired and sick. I remember going to horse shows and people would come up to my mom and say "Oh my gosh... she looks terrible, what did she have?" Yay. My face was so sunken and turned a little more gray, so I guess it makes sense why they asked.
Your curves: Well duh. But just remember honey, you can't spot lose. And those areas that girls actually want, those are the first to go.
Your tummy: Not on the outside, but on the inside. Don't put yourself through what I put myself through. Months of uncomfortable pain and multiple doctors visits and ER visits because I had damaged my organs and intestines so badly that I couldn't go to the restroom (cute, I know) for weeks at a time. Which then makes you bloated and that just defeats whatever purpose your trying to accomplish.
Your Time of the Month: Mine didn't come for 9 straight months. I went to the doctor and I had made myself polycystic (when your ovaries produce cysts that can alter menstruation), put myself at risk for cancer, had an increased insulin level which makes it easier to get yeast infections, and could potentially have fertility problems in the future.
Food Choices: Also, you form weird intolerances to certain foods. For me, it's gluten. I can eat it, but if I have more than what my body says it can handle, I hurt for days.
Post Weight Gain: Fact of the matter is this, you severely hurt your metabolism and so when you begin to eat normally again, your body doesn't trust you to feed it correctly so instead it holds onto alllll the food you eat and you gain weight. Like more weight than what gets you to normal and then you have to work extra extra hard to get it off because your body is still internally repairing itself and doesn't want to let it go.
Your Throat: Throwing up hurts. Hurts everywhere. And it really hurts your throat, the acid just tears away at it, and you think you'll be fine- but if you do it enough your voice hurts more and if you sing... well let's just say you may want to give your solo to someone else.
Peace of Mind: Once you start feeding into the thoughts, it's very hard to get away from them. You develop the Food Police. Everything you eat is dictated by the Sheriff in your head. And he's obnoxious he does not want to shut up. My Food Police got so bad that I could add up everyone's calories at the table during high school in my mind without the help of an app or labels. (And as long as I had less than everyone there I was fine.) I had trained my mind so well to know the calories, fat, protein, and sugars of nearly every food I saw. And my police would waste hours- yes literal hours- of my day planning out what I would eat and what work outs I would do.
Freedom: Not just the freedom of your thoughts, but things you enjoy doing. There has been so many times I've let my body and my insecurities dictate what I do. Pools? Yeah, No.
Power: It takes awhile to know you have a problem, but one day you just know. Often long after others have known, and then you need to reach out, but part of you doesn't want to, and you will feel stuck.
People Won't Understand: Some people get mad at you, they think it's easy to turn it off and that you're being selfish or trying to one-up others.
Some people write it off. They say "You're beautiful, you're fine! Just stop."
Some people get hurt, which hurts you. "I can't watch you hurt yourself anymore!"
Some people don't say anything at all.. And that sometimes hurts more.
At the end of the day it is not easy to stop. It is not easy to turn off. And good is never good enough. You will work and work and never be happy- which is morbid, but true. You will spend your life comparing yourself to others and comparing calories. I did, and it's no way to live.
It's still tempting though, I know I could fall back into at any point, and on the hardest days, the ones where I want to just give in, I think about all that I sacrificed before. It's not easy recovering, and i don't know if I will ever be over the insecurities. But since then there are so many things that I've gained to show for the work: My hair is strong. My eyelashes are back. No one asks me if I'm sick. Sometimes I can even eat a cookie and not feel bad after (that's huge), and the people who love me are more supportive than ever.
