Soul, Space, and Rock & Roll @liz-affair - Tumblr Blog

“Your identity should be so secure that when someone walks away from you they don’t take you with them.”

— Unknown

“Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don’t stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just… start.”

— Ijeoma Umebinyuo

It took this long. But it finally hit. This quarantine isolation finally hit.

I moved to a new city where I have no family or friends. And I haven’t been able to meet anyone or socialize because of the lockdown.

Things are finally open here, but I’m already choked up, socially aimless, and... sad. I don’t know, the sadness just kind of quiets the room and dampens my energy.

I’ve been so fine and unbothered all this time, all things considered. But it all just hit. My husband is the most socially energetic, socially sought after person I know. He goes to work everyday and interacts with his colleagues and has friends in the city. He’s fine. And I’m glad about that. He needs that more than I do.

But I’m at home. Always. Working from home into a void. No one to meet for coffee or take a walk with.

The weight has finally settled on my chest.

I wish it wasn’t so heavy.

politicalprof

What do you want to bet that a Venn diagram of “people who say the government can’t tell me to wear a mask,” and “people who say you have to immediately comply with police orders or you deserve to get shot” is pretty close to one circle?

This is the year that my life changes.

#me

I will never trust a “nice” white Trump supporter. Trying to manipulate their neighbor with their “niceness” while they vote to make their lives harder in private.

I’m so sick of struggling with the expectation of being a “nice” brown person instead of being a pissed off one.

tastefullyoffensive

via pleated-jeans

clintfbarton-deactivated2025012

I’ve never had a love like this.

#personal #the love journal #engaged

malglories

you know what’s funny. what’s absolutely hilarious. i’m reading a book set in 1900 about a woman doctor who has to go behind her male boss’s back to provide birth control to the women of whitechapel. he refuses to because it’s against his religious convictions.

and it’s 2020 and the supreme court just made it legal for a company to deny birth control coverage to employees based on religious belief.

onlinecounsellingcollege

“Don’t be the reason someone feels insecure. Be the reason someone feels seen, heard, and supported.”

— Cleo Wade

Tidal Wave

The tremendous, overwhelming changes of my life that I’ve been anticipating from a distance are beginning to arrive. The countdown has gone from years to months and soon to days.

My exam is in a few weeks... what I’ve been preparing and studying for this past year and change is culminating. I haven't done enough to prepare, but I hope it’ll to some degree be worth the effort.

My boyfriend is moving in a few months and we’ll be preparing to put his house on the market in the coming weeks. He’ll be gone in October while I wade through a fall in limbo... What school will I get into? When will I move? Will I freak out? Will it make sense?

I guess I’m supposed to sell my home... I don't even want to think about that. I don’t.

I’m glad we’ll be close to my family, but I began to deal with dangerously ill parents since I was 17. The next on-the-edge-of-your-seat surgery always seems to be lurking as a possibility around the next corner. It’s never just one scary episode, it’s always a threat lingering in the air. It will cause me anxiety and sadness to not be a 20 minute drive away.

Lastly... lastly, I’m thinking a lot about commitment. People have been asking me lately, rather women are asked in general, what their dream wedding would be. I have no semblance of an idea what that would be. As I’ve told my partner, the idea that I would ever find someone I’d even consider marriage with was has always been so dismal. Like many people (hopefully not most?), all I’ve grown up around are spiteful marriages, painful ones, ones that have lasted but shouldn’t have. There’s darkness, sadness, and betrayal in almost every marriage I’ve known. Not of the sitcom variety, but of the deeply painful variety.

What would make my life any different that I would find someone I would trust against the odds I’ve been exposed to? Secret families, abuse, neglect, gas lighting, incompatibility, disrespect... how could I come to actually believe in someone else enough that I’d want to marry them?

But now I’m here, planning with a man who constantly tells me, on a daily basis, how in love he is with me. He speaks it and he shows it. And my first impulse is to take care of him. To make sure he knows everyday, whether it was an energized day or a shitty day full of frustrations, that he is loved. and loved well. I can just hope and trust that maybe I can have the exception? As naive as I feeling thinking that, what else would I do?

Could I be someone’s wife? I’ve never dreamed of being someone's wife... but this is the first time in my life I can picture it.

whitepeopletwitter

Is my threshold for friendship too high?

I’m watching my dad die and my dog approach the end of his life at the same time.

My heart feels tight. When I look at my dad lying awake because the pain won’t let him sleep, my body wants to wilt and turn to stone at the same time. I feel guilt for all the things I could be doing better but am not. I feel inadequate and selfish.

Most of all, I feel a crushing sadness that some human lives are dealt shit cards that are completely outside of their power from the moment they are born. I feel profound sadness.

My Dad was never a good, present, or selfless dad. I didn’t grow up with him, he didn’t raise me. I have no memories of him that are particularly fatherly or terrible or great. He just, wasn’t. My mom was my mother and my father, and I was mostly okay with and thankful for that. But my dad is my dad, his life has been lonely and strange. His life has been plagued with mental health and cognitive issues. And now he is suffering a painful death.

I love him. And he loves me. And now we all just do what we can.

My dog... has been by my side for 11 years. He has been the constant of my adult life. And I can see and feel that we’re entering what is likely the last year he’ll be waiting for me at the door.

These days I’m driving between my dad’s house and vet appointments.

My heart is going to break in ways I’ve never experienced. And I’m so scared.

#personal

dirtsnakes

sometimes making tea is less about drinking it and more ab it keeping you company

left-reminders

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Soul, Space, and Rock & Roll