Not ready, not set... GO!
The directions, which I read three or four times, say to re-cap the stick and leave it for two minutes.... but not for longer than 10 minutes. They also say things like too much pee, or too little pee, or too dilute pee can make the test not work right. And don't ever tip the stick "up," because that can ruin the test, too.
Anyway, I counted to 5 while I peed, keeping the stick tipped down, recapped it, put it ever so gently and carefully on the counter next to the toilet, wiped, flushed, stood up.... and there was a +
That was not 2-minutes. That was barely 20 seconds. So I looked at the directions again. Maybe + doesn't really mean pregnant. No. it does. BUT, maybe 20-seconds to too little time... so I walked out of the room and looked at the clock: maybe in two minutes, the - would disappear and the + would be a |
But home pregnancy tests aren't totally reliable, right? I mean, look at all the things that can make them NOT work! So I'll go to a doctor.
On Friday morning at 8:15, the nurse walked me to a bathroom and told me to pee in a cup and then led me into an exam room and said, "Congratulations." I told her not to get ahead of herself, that I didn't want to waste her time, that I didn't really believe the test I took -- after all, I've been on the pill for a LONG time. I've had otherwise unprotected sex many times while on this same brand of pill. Why would the pill NOT work now if it worked all those other times. Maybe this is just early menopause or the stress of a new job and travel and an uncomfortable living situation and a new relationship...
So she left and tested my pee herself... and then came back and said "Congratulations" again.
Holy Shit. Grin, panic, cry, laugh, sweat.... Breathe.
Two and a half years ago, I was ready for this. My job, my home and my savings were all such that I was comfortable with the idea of not waiting until I was married, or even in a committed relationship, to try to have a baby. I was 34 and I'd decided that it was time to make motherhood happen.
Now, my job, while allowing me to work from home, requires not insignificant travel. I'm currently living in a friend's spare bedroom. My savings were significantly depleted by several events in the last 2-years.
But that's only part of the conflict. The other half of this equation is him. "We" are a pretty new phenomenon, and most of our friends don't even know there is a "we." He is in an even less stable set of circumstances than I am. Having just taken steps to explore some business opportunities in a different time zone, I'm not even sure how much of a "we" there really is.
"We" came into tentative being after a few years of sharing friends, and insults, morphed into a few months of spending a lot of time together and really enjoying one another's company. Then a few weeks ago -- maybe 6 or 7 or 8?? -- we crossed the line. There was no announcement to friends, there was no noticeable change in us in the presence of our friends or families. We were exploring the other side of this line very privately.
I was happy not to feel watched by anyone. It seems to me that friends do that when friends start dating... whose baggage weighs the most? who changes? what changes? what little (or big) dramas can they witness? But in the safety of a mostly invisible relationship, I was starting to open my mind to the idea of opening mySELF to someone else. I felt safe around him. I trusted him. I felt good about myself. I didn't feel like this was a rebound or a fling.
I don't know how he feels. I didn't ask before he left. I should have asked more. I should have said more. I'm really good at NOT saying the things I should say to be sure that someone knows I care. It's a skill that has led to the demise of most of my past relationships.
But it's early in this. There's no reason to talk seriously about defining things, feelings about marriage, kids, toothpaste brands... He's looking to start a new business. Great! Exciting! It'll take him away from the city we live in? Well, okay. I can still support it: work takes up a lot of our lives, but it doesn't define our lives. And gainful, challenging, enjoyable employment goes a long way towards contributing to feeling good about life. Nothing about a relationship this young should drive either of us away from making positive changes to our lives.
I told him. I waffled about calling, or going to see him in person, or saying anything at all until he was back here. We spoke on the phone shortly after my appointment yesterday. For now, it seems like we'll keep talking. I'm not sure what the future holds for that "we," but sometime this fall, there's going to be another "we" in my life.