death

please don't take the things i say here seriously, this blog is just a way for me to vent my feelings and i may exaggerate or make statements that i don't mean or i know aren't true.

[lizarddeath]

i'm severely depressed :)

[lizarddeath]

everything sucks

[lizarddeath]

i love you so much, but i don’t love doing those things with you very much. i want it to be real, and to feel like it’s not my job to make everything be about you. i want to make you feel good, but i don’t want to have to do it all the time. whenever we do stuff, it’s mostly things that either you wanted to do or are ones that are to bring you pleasure. i hate feeling like i have to pretend to enjoy things sometimes. and i hate that i hate doing them. i wish that you would sometimes be the one who pleasures the other for the whole time. there are some things that i’ve begun to hate doing more and more each time i do them. i wish that i didn't feel like it's just my job to make you happy and to make you feel good. i know you don't mean to make me feel like this, but you do. and it hurts.

[lizarddeath]

i hate it when people keep telling me how i'm overreacting and being irrational. i know! i know i shouldn't react this way! it's not liking i'm choosing to be this upset! repeatedly telling me i shouldn't be upset doesn't somehow make me not feel that way! it just makes me cry!!!!

[lizarddeath]

i feel so depressed right now and everything and everyone is irritating me

[lizarddeath]

you know i would do anything for you, but i don't know if i should do this. i have a feeling i'll just end up getting upset again.

[lizarddeath]

i get jealous of my boyfriend saying he thinks a character who is not real is sexy, what the hell is wrong with me why am i so possessive and jealous? who knows? definitely not me.

[lizarddeath]

how do you tell someone you're not in love with them anymore, when they're still in love with you?

[lizarddeath]

why does everything have to become so freaking complicated when you're upset? why won't you just tell me how you feel? is it really that difficult to be straightforward?

[lizarddeath]

i fucking hate myself

[lizarddeath]

i feel like i upset you so easily now and i hate it and i can't talk to you about it because i'm scared to make things worse even though it's just me being dumb

[lizarddeath]

i am so fucking weak. i get upset over the stupidest things and i get scared over nothing. i fucking hate the way i can be sometimes.

[lizarddeath]

i fucked up. i shouldn't have answered that question at all, and now because i was stupid enough to respond, you're upset. i'm so sorry

[lizarddeath]

you have no idea how much you just hurt me. you're the person i trust most in the world, and the fact that you're doing this to me hurts. so fucking much. you've never done this to me before, and i didn't think you would ever do anything like it to me. but you're being selfish and pushy and inconsiderate, and it makes me want to do what you asked me to even less then i already do.

[lizarddeath]

thank you. thank you thank you thank you thank you. thank you for being so understanding. thank you for being so constant. thank you for loving me unconditionally. thank you.

[lizarddeath]

you say you care about me, but it's hard to believe right now. everything i need, you've denied me. and now you're going to act like you're hurt, like you don't know what's wrong. maybe if you payed attention, you would know. maybe if you cared, i wouldn't feel this way

[lizarddeath]

if i fucking lose you because of my stupid-ass parents, i don't know what i'll do. i don't know how i'll live.