Lizvanlis @lizvanlis - Tumblr Blog

At least she’s honest. I wouldn’t ever tell the truth because people tend to not believe the truth.

“I watched it all happen quite calmly - without fear, without pity, without anything but a kind of stunned curiosity - so that the impression of the event is burned indelibly upon my optic nerves, but oddly absent from my heart.”

— Donna Tartt, The Secret History

define-uninhabitable

it’s like it’s there but not there. my emotions, that is. idk, i mean sometimes i’m completely numb to a situation that would otherwise cause pain and/or sorrow but then other times, i still am kinda numb but i can feel the emotions lurking (for a lack of better word). i can think about it— see that’s the thing, even if i were to train my mind on the situation and the emotions i would otherwise be feeling, it’s still at an arm’s length, away from me.

like in this very moment as i write this post: something happened today; it’s hurting someone else, i can see it in her eyes and i can hear it in her voice and her choice of words. but for me, it’s there and i know it’s there but it’s not close enough to grab ahold of me. and i honestly don’t know if for me this is good or not.

arlocxander

Detachment; Attachment is a Switch and We Keep Our Fingers Near the Button | Arlo Cohen Alexander

spikychewedbubblegum-blog

Me: *craves physical contact and positive relationships* Also me: this world is made to break you. Hope gets you nowhere. No one is truly an ally because they’ll always use something to hurt you. This world is strong so you must be stronger. Isolation is necessary to become what you are. Friendship is stupid and so is

define-uninhabitable

it’s like it’s there but not there. my emotions, that is. idk, i mean sometimes i’m completely numb to a situation that would otherwise cause pain and/or sorrow but then other times, i still am kinda numb but i can feel the emotions lurking (for a lack of better word). i can think about it— see that’s the thing, even if i were to train my mind on the situation and the emotions i would otherwise be feeling, it’s still at an arm’s length, away from me.

like in this very moment as i write this post: something happened today; it’s hurting someone else, i can see it in her eyes and i can hear it in her voice and her choice of words. but for me, it’s there and i know it’s there but it’s not close enough to grab ahold of me. and i honestly don’t know if for me this is good or not.

lizvanlis

You stay in the darkness alone… looking out… why is he choosing to do this to me

lizvanlis

So I took this in a place when I felt everything was falling apart. When I found out I might actually have something wrong with me. But I wanna talk about something that I dont speak to anyone about. That I didn’t have here. I have always lost connection with having empathy for people. When I first meet people I usually dont want to talk to them. I’m on high alert. I cant empathize with them so I have a saying. “Do everything to someone that you dont want to yourself.” It doesn’t sound right but it means. For example. I hate people conforting me when I’m upset but when someone is upset I comfort them. I dont like people telling me its going to be ok so I tell them its going to be ok. So I did just that and people thought I was really good at helping others. I was really good at being nice and everything, but what people didn’t see is when I first meet someone I analyze them. The way they move there hands, how they think, the way they carry themselves. I take all that information and see what you need in me. I become what you need and most people just need to be heard. To be there for them. A friend. Sometimes people come along that interest me at first. I want to know everything about them. Like study them. When I catch feelings for someone its like I can empathize with everyone. I can understand peoples feelings, I can understand them. It’s nice. Most of the people I feel for ask a lot from me. When I care for people I tend to not put myself first so I get so much anxiety that I am not being enough for them. I tend to follow with my heart. I empathize with them. I feel so much. It’s intoxicating sometimes. I can find the love in a human based on emotion. I can empathize with them. I can understand why people get sad, why people are happy, why people get upset. The longest I ever gone with it was a little over a year. But as soon I am not heard, not accepted, and punished for being me. I slowly stop caring. It’s like when that happens I cant empathize again. I cant understand peoples emotions. I become on the edge again. Everything that happened with the person I was with. I cant understand the feeling of how I felt with them. I can understand I care, but I cant understand all those feels I cant remember. It’s like a blurry glass wall goes up and I cant see emotion. I cant feel emotion I had with them. I go back to doing everything opposite of what I would want. I go back to not feeling much or understanding society norms. It’s something that’s made me go crazy. It’s something I can never explain and has left a lot of confusion. Ive kept this sort of thing a secret because how can this even be possible. Ive looked into research and couldn’t find anything. So the people I cared about I’m sorry. I’m not use to feeling emotion so when I can and something goes wrong I dont know how to handle it. Cause my whole life I went with barely having it. I get lonely because I’m stuck no able to understand others. When I’m trying to be honest they say your not like that, but Ive been faking and taking little bits of personality traits from v shows and people that interest me. I’m not even a personality. I’m not even a person. It’s this wall from the world. I fake and fake until I can feel again. I can know who I am. I can only empathize with myself. I sit sometimes and cant pinpoint an emotion I’m feeling and when I can pinpoint it I feel like is that even my emotion or am I making it up. I got depressed for a week because of this situation. My past wouldn’t stop haunting me. I’m stuck in flight or fight. I’m tired. I wanna go back to empathizing with other people. But at the same time I love to be alone. I love it so much that I dont care if I dont empathize with others. I get sad about it, i think it might just being frustrated, but I’m mostly happy living inside me head. Sometimes it gets exhausting living on the edge for years

I think I’m realizing my type...

oliviadumhan

would a straight person do THIS????

lizvanlis

So glad their going to give her a storyline... I mean they better.

Life has been cloudy. But I can still see the sunlight reflecting from the water. I try to focus on the sun. But sometimes the sun can be blinding. So the darkness washes over. So the sun and darkness battle it out. It can be confusing but I focus on the sun. I try really hard. But sometimes its not up to what I want. It’s up to which side is stronger. Which takes me eyes. Ive seen everything black and white. For a while, but I’m starting to see color again. It feels like a warm breeze. The smell of the salt water dancing through the air. The wind hitting your body as your energy and hair goes flying. No one helped me get here. I did this all on my own. I’m learning about myself. I’m doing the work to be better. I cant wait to stay and not run. So far my feet are like cement. That shit is for me and only me forever.

ectora

So, because there has been so much debate in the charmed fandom about screen time and focus and everything, I decided to go down on facts and write down the actual screen time each main character have (by actual I mean approximative cause yes I’m very bored but I’m not a psycho so if a character was taking part of the scene I would write down the time of the scene and not only when it was on said character. The only exception is when the character was barely participating or was like, laying on the ground unconscious (happens more than you’d think)). It’s probably not right to the second but it’s close enough lmao. I saw someone do that with Supergirl in the past so I was like why not ?

Screen time for season 2

Macy : 5h35m57s (19/19)

Mel : 5h27m20s (19/19)

Maggie : 6h11m33s (19/19)

Harry : 4h32m15s + 21m10s as Jimmy (19/19)

Abigael : 2h19m46s (13/19)

Jordan : 1h38m49s (15/19)

Now as you can see, the screen time that both Abigael and Jordan get is barely half what Harry gets (for Abby) and not even close to half for Jordan (to be honest Jordan could get a little more). The sisters clear have more screen times than anyone else (rightfully, as it should). What they do with that screentime though is a different story because Jimmy for example doesn’t get a lot of screentime but was the center of others’ story. Same with Harry being a lot of Macy’s story, or even Abigael’s. The show definitely failed in using that screen time to develop their characters properly at times, but in terms of number only, there is no question the focused is definitely on the sisters, followed by Harry/Jimmy and further behind Abby and Jordan.

But my crazy ass didn’t stop there (yes I have issues I know leave me alone), so I also have graphs or their individual screen times through the season and as a comparative graph of their screentime for each episode.

Note: for Harry I included Jimmy in his screen time but Jimmy only appears in 7 episodes. His screen time (opposed to his place in the story) is rather small though except for one episode where his screen time is a bit above 10mins. More details coming.

And one graph with screen time comparisons by episode for each character.

Detailed screentime

And no. It still doesn’t stop here (someone should stop me though). I also put down with who each character spend their time with when on screen for each episode. Yes I know, something is wrong with me, let’s just ignore it and move along. Anyway. Screen shots of the graphs/tables are easier than writing everything because it’s long. I don’t know if anyone cares but I was like if I do it I’ll do it well

Note: group (2+) means any variantes of three people or more who are part of the main cast. So Macy, Mag and Abigael for example. Or Macy, Harry, Maggi and Abigael. Any group who doesn’t involve all three sisters at the same time.

So basically all of this, I think, resumes pretty well the construction of the episodes. The sisters are definitely the front and center with a screen time far superior to anyone else. So I truly don’t think the issue here is about screen time (I beg, can people stop acting like the screen time is the issue). It’s normal to have a couple of episodes where other characters will be a bit more put ahead, it happens in literally every show ever and it’s also not an issue as long as it’s only occasionally (which was the case for Jordan or even Abby. (For Harry during season 2 it was a bit of a bigger issue which seem to be going a little be better in s3). Honestly in terms of screen time, I’d say (purely on the numbers here) give a bit less to Harry and a bit more to Jordan (Jimmy is also gone so there is that screen time to add) and I think it could be a good balance for now as both Abby and Jordan are still separated from the main storyline so they won’t as involved until they more linked to it ;in S3).

I know season 3 already started but again, based on these numbers only, I hope Jordan will be a bit more involved in other characters than just Maggie. Abby had some time with Harry but thankfully they dropped that story so I hope they’ll reduce that screen time a bit and will give more Abby interacting with Mel and Jordan, as well as Maggie, they can be funny. I also hope the sisters will have more bonding moments, as a trio and in pairs. TCO is the biggest screen time but it feels like it’s mostly trying to kill monsters or in crisis, and we need more sisterly scenes, bonding time, so we can really get more attached to their bond.

SHIPS

There is another thing that I noticed while doing this, even thought it was not the point, is the difference of screen time between pairings.

Macy/Harry - 44 minutes 30 secondes

Maggie/Jordan - 52 minutes 49 secondes

Mel/Ruby - 10 minutes 48 secondes

Mel/Abigael - 13 minutes 22 secondes

I included abimel just cause there are chances they actually go there and it does count into the ground they built all of this on. I know Ruby is not a main so she will obviously not have the same screentime than others (which is why I’m not a big fan of this ship tbh) but even with that they still deserve more imo especially when you compare it to the heterosexual relationships of the show. It’s a strong unbalance the show needs to fix and that is clearly still going in season 3. I will probably talk more about it in the potential season 3 post but I do think attention needs to be brought on the issue. If they do go with Abimel, I also understand they won’t spent too much time on a ship that isn’t meant to last (which, story wise, seems to be the case) but it is still not a great look to have Mel in a relationship by name only and have others have these long development through the entire season. And same if they do end up making Abimel an actual couple. But that’s more of an upcoming because though they did hint at stuff during S2 it also wasn’t the focus.

Anyway, i don’t think anyone really cares but well. I also probably will do season 3 too. But that’s the end of this very long text and doing all this took me so much more time than I’ll admit 😪 gonna blame the lockdown on this one. I don’t think anyone cares but I did it anyway 😂 and I’m also blaming that one person who did it for other shows for giving me the idea. if you have read all of that (you’re dedicated), thanks for reading and if not it’s ok I understand.