It’s been an eternity since I’ve used this platform for anything, but I feel like I’ve grown a lot since I last did and it’s nice to keep things updated. The last time I used tumblr regularly was a time that I was constantly posting about depression, anxiety, and drug use. I was consumed in a whirlwind of confusion and self hatred - all of a sudden I had to leave uni and become some kind of adult, yet I had to do so in a world that I hated more than I could even comprehend. I still hate the external reality we have to live in. But I’ve learned to love the world so much - the earth, mother nature... there is so much inexplicable beauty that humans choose to ignore because our brains have become so underdeveloped in our modern societies and we don’t understand where we came from anymore. The realisation that I AM the Earth, that the Earth is living and pulsating and the energy that gives me life comes directly from nature, saved me. It makes so much sense now. We are pumping our bodies full of poisonous, artificial foods... we are surrounding ourselves with chemicals and pollutants, and medicating ourselves either through the socially acceptable use of pharmaceutical drugs or the socially unacceptable use of illicit drugs. Our bodies are therefore week, fragile, and uncomfortable to live in. And we therefore become focused on our external bodies and our hatred for them and so the self obsession and blindness of our society is born. It is easy for those in power to keep us unhealthy and in pain and in fear, because we are more compliant then. We are unable to fight because we are blind and we are weak. We externalise the confusion and hatred we have for ourselves and our societies by damaging the Earth, which in turn fuels new anxieties as we begin to fight the realisation that we can’t survive without her, and that she may well now kick us off all together. I went through a phase in my last job where I did cocaine every weekend. It was the norm. But i needed to get away from that, and so I moved away from London. Since then, I haven’t touched the stuff. I haven’t wanted it. This weekend just gone, I went to a party, and I had a small amount. Part of me felt like I needed to show myself something. It’s all very well and good stopping drugs because you theoretically know it’s the right thing to do, but I wanted to feel it. And fucking did I feel it. I used to think it was normal to be tried 24/7. I used to think it was normal to not being able to sleep because of anxiety. I used to think panic attacks were normal. I came to believe that that was just who I was. But it wasn’t. I was poisoning myself and numbing myself, making myself a hollow shell, too weak to fight or learn. And now I understand how our entire society is failing so much to do anything to fight for the survival of our planet and of our species. We are weak. We are tired. We are poisoned. I’m not saying that everyone does cocaine, but within our society it is the socially acceptable thing to avoid vegetables, eat processed foods full of chemicals, drink alcohol, smoke, sit in front of TV all day and stare at our phones constantly. To drive cars instead of walk, to use plastic and throw it back into the Earth where it will stay forever, and to support war. All of these things are killing us, they are making us tried, weak, numb, and full of diseases. They are unnatural and our bodies have not evolved to cope with them. Our bodies have evolved to eat whole foods, drink clean water, to walk from A to B, run away from predators and move around and migrate with the seasons. We ate meat which organic and free range and was hunted by our own hands, instead of eating the bodies or tortured and poisoned souls sold to us in the supermarket. We built our own homes, watched the sunset instead of TV, and understood and worked with plants to medicate and feed ourselves. When we treat our bodies in this way, we start to feel free and lifted and our eyes begin to open as if we are only just being born out of a bad dream that is Western society. I still suffer from depression and anxiety - that’s the hangover for treating my body so poorly for so long. But my eyes are opening now and I feel elated about that. The next struggle now is understanding how it could be possible for others to learn these things before its too late, and we destroy our own home, the Earth. How disappointing are we... a species who tortured a raped their home, their mother, their provider.... and ended up allowing their egos to kill them and everything around them. The Dinosaurs had a far more gracious ending.
