a personal diary

  I know I cannot heal the hurt, but I will hold you here forever  

[lleythoughts]

you appeared in my dreams briefly. we had reconciled, and i didn’t question it. you said you missed me. you embraced me with the same tenderness we shared in secret, on your bed. you didn’t tell me you loved me. you only smiled.

you sat on the couch, i walked over to the closet. i opened it to find none of your clothes—only heaps of extra blankets and covers. and i came to realize that there was no longer any space for me.

you were never coming back to me. and i had fantasized you again, after so long. when i glanced back, you were already gone, as if you’ve never even visited. but it all felt real to me

[lleythoughts]

i think im getting older

i started reading manga when was i around 12 years old. its a hobby ive never really outgrown out of now that im about to turn 25. ive always liked the romance genre, even after 13 years.

its a strange comfort to be reminded how life begins at different stages of life. after going through a major break up halfway through the year while i was 24, it all felt like the world was over for me. but reading these characters on the page, imagining what it would be like for the people writing them, suddenly sparked a little hope in my chest. id always loved reading high school romances when i was 12, wondering if i was ever going to have my own fleeting romance at that age. by 17, i was with my first boyfriend, going through the scenarios of all the slice of life, romance comics ive read from adolescence.

now, with a new year, and a bigger, more terrifying age awaiting me, i began to read manga on the comforts of my bed. and now i reach towards stories of corporate workers (suffering the same fate as i am), a little older than me, hoping maybe this time, i can also embody the same hope i had as a young girl. that life can still begin at the age of 26, or 28, or 30, or anytime beyond those years.

its a little endearing and nostalgic to be getting the same comfort from the same black and white pages ive read from for so many years. im getting older, have a few more aches and pains of all the years ive lived so far. but im also harboring a new hope; or maybe reigniting one ive held long ago.

[a-mind-in-ruins]

The hardest pill I had to swallow was learning that no matter how good you are to somebody, no matter how much you love them, how much you do for them, they can and will turn their back on you and there's absolutely nothing you can do but suck it up and keep moving forward.

[lleythoughts]

it’ll never leave you,

that pain—

you’ll have to learn how to live with it

i sat on the staircase,

phone in my ear

words echoing softly

and i knew

that i was really never going to get over it

my head hung low

and the tears made pools on my thighs

and i

was seventeen again

and you were holding my hand

[somewordsarebiggerthanothers]

[lleythoughts]

i dont like how you still haunt me

[remanence-of-love]

[ksvixen2]

very true

[lleythoughts]

it swallows me

this deep sense of profoundness that i cant put into words,

painted instead by memories

of listening to winding stories that could get closer to the point,

of eating peeled pomelo slices, dipped in a little salt,

of feeling my feet sink in the sand while the waves crashed at my ankles,

i feel so much love

and so much grief

that i still think about the songs you’ve loved, the way you pinched the sides of my stomach,

how you use sea salt mist because it put volume in your hair

and now i live,

i live

and i step forward

and i love and i grieve

and i fall apart and stand up

again and again

and i ask myself when it ends

but i know that it doesnt, and probably never will

so i walk the gravel path, and i watch the sunset cave in on itself, alone

and i still dont eat sour mangoes, and i wonder if you think about the way i eat my mangoes, or how i pronounce mangoes, or

if you love the way you hold her waist instead

while i write letters that i never send out

so

i live and i live and i live

and i live and i live

[paper-wounds]

[lleythoughts]

it’s been five months,

almost half a year.

what would’ve been our eighth-year anniversary

is coming up in sixteen days. do you also think about that, E?

i still grieve everything we’ve once shared.

but in these five months, ive started to move forward with my life.

you know, E, i still cant believe id be able to kiss someone else that wasnt you

you were my first, my everything, my world

and now i have strangers taking place where you once stood

its alien, and so different, and so foreign

when we were together

i took up boxing.

hey E,

do you know I learn muay thai now?

i go twice a week, and

its strange not to tell you about all the new things ive learned.

do you know im about to be promoted?

funny how we were talking about me moving

to a different company, just eight months ago

hey E,

i think ive finally realized why

you ended things with me the morning of june.

we both lost ourselves

in those seven years we were together. in this eighth,

maybe we wouldve ended up resenting each other.

i’ll always wish you well.

thank you for all the things that we’ve shared.

i think im finally ready to step away from this part of our lives.

-H

[lleythoughts]

sometimes grief will find you in the strangest of times and in the strangest of places,

when you think you’ve ran far away enough,

its already caught up with you, without any struggle,

without fail,

but this time it doesn’t bite or scratch,

just taps you on the shoulder

and gives you a look that begs to be noticed

and the sadness washes over like a mother who has sought after your forgiveness

today, you dont have to run away

just for today, there is no need to guard your heart like a soldier

[lleythoughts]

if we came face to face,

my younger self and I,

who was still 19 and figuring out how she was going to survive

and i told her everything that transpires once she’s 24

she wouldnt cry or scream

she would give me a look

and she would nod in acceptance

and neither of us would exchange words,

even when so many questions and thoughts

are left hanging in the air

and she will sit down

and she will lock herself in the bathroom

and she will cry

and she will understand that this is what is meant to happen

and so it will happen

but for now

i embrace her

i give her the grace i couldnt bring to give myself

until i was much older

and much more tired

and much more forgiving

and we will sit on the cold, tiled floor

together

[golden-letters]

bitch this is all you’re gonna get. this life, this face, this body. you better not ‘maybe in another universe’ your way out of everything. sit your ass down and face this. go make tea and have a picnic and read a goddamn book. kiss your loved ones, send that damn text, and hug your siblings. this is all you’re gonna get.

[pink-heart-writes]

[lleythoughts]

im a cornered dog

shivering with its tail between its legs

and i cower

and i lick my wounds

and i limp far, far away

but i wont bite

and i wont snarl

and ill sit behind the glass window

looking

[lleythoughts]

i wonder if one day ill be chosen first

a day where im not the one who reaches out,

doesn’t make the plans,

doesn’t get excited like a dog

waiting for its owner

chained to the gate

and its all misery and pleasure

and a trap,

but the gate is open

and there is no lock, or key,

just a carabiner

and i push it, and i put on the collar and the leash

and i can tell how humiliating it looks

to keep staying

but i stay, and i stay

and i hide in the shed

like an old dog waiting

isnt it so sad?

i wish it wasnt like this, wish i was worth more

than chewed up bones and milk treats,

worth more than a single text, waiting for hours,

worth more than pretending everything is okay,

pretending i don’t care

because i do,

i do,

and im sad and im happy

and im pulled and im pushed

but i never go anywhere

im always in the same place,

someone give me the strength to move on

or just push me away

just leave me alone

[lleythoughts]

when is it going to be my turn to be chosen?

when will i be ever in your radar?

ive begged the world for you to choose me

ill change,

ill change,

and become someone who isnt like this

but why, god?

why cant i change,

why am i stuck in this place

unmoving…..unwanted….