6:51.

[lmgihaltl]

Coffee colored emotions do not manifest tranquility; they brew turmoil scraping cinnamon foam off my tongue.

Lauren Mackenzie

[lmgihaltl]

7 to 20. 

he treated me like I was 7

pinching poking plunging trying to figure out ways to make me make sound 

not for me but for himself

I wondered if my features reminded him of the doll he used to play with in his youth.

the thick lips I injected, the round eyes I imagined blue, and the thick nose I pinched to make small. 

Hand pulled not straight but kinky roots 

there’s the sound, the sound wanted. 

How many different buttons did I have? 

what song could I sing this time to make them want me.

rejection feels like falling: 

falling 

back into braided pigtails 

with plastic balls 

hanging from the ends

falling 

back into four eyes 

of course topped off with a receded smile

but attention feels like flying:

flying 

Even if my skin is the intensifier never an afterthought

flying 

even as stares so deep permeate my mind reminding me that 

I am the curiosity the visual the empty attraction

I wonder if that’s what the aged man thought when they were 7,

untouched buttons not developed enough to make sound.

when I sing my song it always starts with 7 

[lmgihaltl]

Ocean waters float calmly in my mind.

One wave crashes as the other subsides. 

I believed in the stars.

The stars in my mind,

the ones that kept me afloat and drowned the sorrows inside.

Life will be a process of falling in deep waters.  If it takes drowning numerous times keep swimming till you are able to see the other side. Be patient, for one day you will be able to run on waters while everyone else is walking on land.

[lmgihaltl]

I fell in love with the cherry-blossom trees, 

the way their branches swayed in the breeze.

I fell in love with starry skies, teething smiles, and painful eyes. 

I fell in love with empty pages,

smearing my heart

across the pages.

I fell in love with an appealing mask,

hiding my destroyed face of wrath. 

I fell in love with broken souls, broken beings, and broken shores.

As I desperately dug my hands in the sand,

holding on, hoping it was not too late for me to take flight and then land,

stars fell at my feet.

The oceans roared in the wind. 

And in this moment, I realized I had fallen in love

with everything, but myself.

[lmgihaltl]

Cliff ahead.

I walk towards the edge.

At the top of the sea,

the stars envelop me. 

As I lie placid,

looking at violescent skies,

I know I must keep going in life. 

I must get to the other side.

violescence.

The mixed emotions of tranquility and turmoil

[lmgihaltl]

the words trickled down my chin 

pooling at my feet 

laughing at my reflection 

laughing at my silence 

waters rose 

but I said nothing 

comfort began to feel like lighting small forest fires on bare skin 

the smell of burning flesh on the surface

tearing onyx colored skin to pieces 

forgetting pink pajamas hair puffs and pretty charcoal dolls  

dragging points and destinations that led to 

nothing

you tore me apart like plato 

but I said nothing  

[lmgihaltl]

the sea called my name

it whispered secrets I had hidden and disowned

I let it

take me

move me

change me

instead of fighting to stay above water

I let it drown me

Softly

Quietly

until I molded into blue

[lmgihaltl]

I wish I could tell you I knew how to bear my fruit

How to devour my shame swallow my pride not feel the blame

but I dont

Instead I swallow my fears whole

creating seeds laced within my throat that become tree branches

protruding from my mouth

I wish I could tell you I knew how to bare my fruit

Instead of sinking my teeth into fragrant aromas

of flesh blood and satisfaction

but I dont

I only know how to breathe with my eyes smell with my mouth

and taste shames wrath afterwards

I wish I could tell you

but i dont

because I know you have nothing to give me in return.

[lmgihaltl]

Fingerprints

fingerprints on pages. breath short. eyes shut. i lived inside a dying flower. tumbling into honeyed mouths & blue fires. forget the bees sting. but how could i. when its stinger was still inside of me. 

medication replaces honey with sour. bitter silence.watching eyes. 

sip water. swallow. simmer down. finger. prints. on. pages. my pages. my eyes. my tears. 

[lmgihaltl]

Viridity escapes the lips.

They watched as the surface traced a line of pits. 

Sharp points overpower, 

Addict by the hour.

The mind washes away the pain it encounters.

[lmgihaltl]

Lips drip in lies, 

instead of hungry ears.

I decided this time

to speak out truth, 

not only to others but also to myself.

[lmgihaltl]

Though thoughts raced through my mind, 

I felt frustrated as tears flowed out of my eyes.

I knew that things would get better,

and sometimes it takes time. 

As I painted colors on my easel, 

I thought,

One day I will look like the colors I once used to be.

[lmgihaltl]

As a child, I dreamed in color.

I dreamed of blue skies. 

My soul wrapped in innocence,

my hands touched the sky,

my skin soaked in colors,

fluorescent in my mind. 

Candied skies, 

drizzled in syrup,

sugar-coated my eyes.

 As a child, I dreamed in color. 

I dreamed of chromatic stars and light. 

And in these moments, I thought I was fully alive. 

[lmgihaltl]

Swaying trees,

and soft green. 

Sunsets and skies of luminosity and pink. 

Laying down unhazed,

no longer in a maze.

What colors should I paint?

With bruised lips, they whispered,

“Paint me blue.”

In remembrance of the color many used to be.

[lmgihaltl]

You smell like fleeting moments,

haunting memories,

fresh flowers.

Though memories stayed etched in my mind, 

I knew that I did not want them anymore, 

because those memories dragged me from heaven to hell with you.

[lmgihaltl]

I draw air through my lungs. 

Sun caresses my skin. 

Warmth tingles down my spine. 

Butterflied hearts and gentle wind,

freeing my mind.

Can I finally trust this time?

Though my heart wants,

my soul shrieks at the thought.

The translucent glass shatters.

Flooding thoughts do not stop.

Memories push through my mind.

I instantaneously speed back into time.

Haunting shadows. 

Silent screams.

One touch. 

I cannot breathe.

Choking on words,

my limbs tremble in fear. 

I wake up to realize, I escaped into my own nightmares.

Concerned eyes.

What just happened in the mind? 

Will I have to explain each and every time?

[lmgihaltl]

Fourteen years.

They lost their mind.

She disappeared.

He hid his lies.

 Fifteen years.

Bottled emotions.

Lighted candles

and numbing potions.

 Sixteen candles.

City nights and thorny grounds,

broken wings floating on manufactured clouds.

 Seventeen candles,

sweet peach pie

cut with pretty knives

from the house laced in lies.

Eighteen years,

blowing out candles of dread.

Make a wish,

eighteen wishes,

but they only had one instead.