i never get on here anymore but i just need to rant :/
i finally cut off my hair (one of my biggest insecurities) and my stylist (who literally never does what i ask for) gave me a fucking BOB
it sounds so insignificant but that haircut is connected to so much trauma for me
when i was really young my hair was cut into a bob bc my mom wanted us to have matching haircuts, and sheās always tried to keep that up
sheās so jealous of my hair, she dyes it to look like mine, and now my stylist has cut it to look just like hers
iām so so so sick of being told i look like her, it causes me so much dysphoria, especially since she comments on my appearance and body so much
i actually canāt look at myself in the mirror, i hate it so much
i asked for a really pretty alt/grunge haircut, only to be given a stupid bob, and thatās bringing me so much dysphoria, and i canāt stand it
i look so feminine and i hate it, i donāt even feel like myself, i feel even more disgusted by my appearance than i did when my hair way really long and feminine. i feel like a middle aged woman thatās trying to be hip with the kids, but i just wanted a haircut that actually feels like me
i canāt cut it myself, because my mother loves it and sheās already guilt tripping me bc i donāt like it, but i actually canāt even look at myself bc so many bad thoughts flash through my mind every time i do
i wanted to look just a bit more androgynous, or even slightly masculine, but now iām being plagued with more gender dysphoria than iāve felt in ages, and i canāt handle it
itās a stinging reminder of how feminine i am, and how much ppl say i look like my mom. im sick of being compared to her, sheās given me so many problems with my face, my body, and even my personality, and im sick of being compared to that
iām just stuck with this stupid fuck ass haircut that makes me hate myself and my appearance even more than i did (and i really didnāt think that to be possible)
i canāt handle this. iām so burnt out and i canāt even take joy in the old things i enjoyed, all bc i tried to get a haircut that felt like me, and im so so so sick of it
it seems so inconsequential, but i have so little freedom or ways to express myself, and, now, one of the few ways i could express myself is gone because nobody would listen to me or what i want. i feel so stuck, and i wanted this to at least make me feel a little better, but now i canāt stand it
just looking at myself brings me to tears and i hate everything about this haircut, and i feel like ive lost so much of my freedom and personality bc im stuck with this stupid bob, and i feel so so disgusting
i hate myself right now, one of my only sources of even a little bit of joy (it may have induced dysphoria, but i still liked it sometimes, if that makes sense) has been ripped from me by a stylist that has never once listen to me, but i have to go to her so my mom and i can match! (/sarcasm) and im so so so sick of being stuck with my mother, she just makes me hate myself more and im stuck of hearing her compare herself to me and then complain about her body to me, and then start commenting on mine
iām so so so sick of this, i hate myself, and i canāt fucking do anything about it
(if you made it this far, i appreciate you so much, so please have a nice day, and thank you)
