SHIT MY COLLEAGUES SAY
carefully collected over the years, slightly altered to make it universal. cursing.
“Blood donation? The only time I let someone take blood from me is when that person is a sexy vampire.”
“Oi, Mariah Carey, quiet down. There’s people working here.”
“They’re completely lost in the woods.”
“Where the fuck are my Post-Its? Did I trade them again?”
“How can an entire file cabinet disappear?”
“How is it possible that I’ve been working here for almost two years and people still ask my name?”
“So, we can’t afford a truck, but at least we got this really cool shredding machine. It shreds five pages at the same time.”
“I call it the Porsche of all shredders.”
“How are my favourite bitches?”
“Did you just leave those very important documents with the people who absolutely should NOT see them?”
“You actually managed to make _______ look even more like a dictator from Satan’s arsehole.”
“I refuse to give Outlook any of my tears.”
“No, I don’t like this. I don’t vibe with this. Bad vibes all around. Can we get ice cream after?”
“No, I won’t drive with you. You drive at 50mph through some village and start dancing at the wheel because ‘that’s my song, girls!’“
“Sadly, the hot guy from ________ isn’t also the smart guy from ________.”
“Who the hell is playing ‘My Heart Will Go On’ on a piano here?”
“I’ve been calling you for 20 minutes. When I go back to my office and I call you in about 30 seconds, you better pick up the phone.”
“I’d rather throw myself from that balcony than sing that song.”
“I swear, if another of my pens gets stolen, I will go home and cry.”
“Talking to them is like talking to a very socially awkward mumble rapper.”
“Sure, why not, of course I can control them. You could also tell me to keep these 20 kittens on this tiny blanket.”
“How long can we leave that expired grape juice until it becomes wine?”
“If you call in sick, I will too. They can’t have us both.”