Book review #22: This Is Where I Leave You
Jonathan Tropper: "This Is Where I Leave You" - finished in August 2013

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Jules of Nature
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Love Begins
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Book review #22: This Is Where I Leave You
Jonathan Tropper: "This Is Where I Leave You" - finished in August 2013
Book review #21: Looking for Alaska
John Green: "Looking For Alaska" - finished in June 2013
Book review #20: To Kill A Mockingbird
Harper Lee: "To Kill A Mockingbird" - finished in May 2013
Book review #19: Effi Briest
Theodor Fontane: āEffi Briestā ā finished in May 2013
Book review #18: The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat
Oliver Sacks: āThe Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hatā ā finished in May 2013
Oh yay! Another essay on why society sucks!
This is an almost word-to-word quote of what my friend and I encountered a few days ago when sitting in the train on our way home from a cinema evening. We had spent a good part of the almost 30-minute-way talking about movies we had seen and liked, had talked about certain actors and of course the movie we had gone to ā The Place Beyond The Pines, if anyone cares. During this time, the woman aged about 20 sitting next to me had stared at us all the time in a quite uncomfortable way, yet we tried to ignore her silent judging. Shortly before she got off the train she turned around to us and asked us the question above. She then proceeded to give us, as she called it, a āgood piece of advice: To get friends, watch a little less TV.ā
I actually do not know whether she was talking about boyfriends or casual friends and in my argumentation below I will talk about both sides of the spectrum.
While I was too shocked to act in the very moment, my friend replied to her question sarcastically by telling her we were losers and had no friends, an assumption the stranger had clearly made. My first impulse when I had processed what I had just witnessed was to give the girl a good slap in the face and my second impulse ā about half an hour later when I had arrived at home ā was to think about whether she had been right: whether I ā I will not talk about my friend because I do not know her well enough to judge in any way about her ā had actually made the wrong decision retreating into books and movies instead of going out on weekends, spending a lot of my time either reading respectively watching movies or talking about them and throwing out my money for books, DVDs and CDs instead of club nights.
Having had some time to think about the incident I am a little less angry at her and a little calmer and believe I have found the answer to her respectively my question. No, she was not right. She was, in fact, very wrong, and to calm myself and others who might be in the same situation over and over again, I made a list of her wrong assumptions ā misinterpretations a lot of people make, always and everywhere, and which people have to fight every day. I split it up into five chapters, each of them a separate topic.
The misinterpretation of today's globalized and networked world
The misinterpretation of friendship
The misinterpretation of empathy
The misinterpretation of pop culture
The misinterpretation of relationships
1) The misinterpretation of today's globalized and networked world
The stranger's suggestion we should get ourselves some friends was obviously based on the assumption that we do not have ārealā friends; an assumption which was wrong on a few levels. The following is one of them.
I do understand that from the outside it might often seem that some people have no or few friends. I can count my actual friends in my school on one hand. They are very caring and I like them a lot, but there is not a bunch of them excitedly awaiting my arrival every morning.
That being said, I have a bunch of friends. This is not meant as a desperate justification, it is just a fact: I have friends from my former school, I have friends I met through music or other hobbies and I have friends I met on Tumblr. This part regards my friends from Tumblr. My best friend lives in the US, others live in Austria, the UK, Australia, Sweden or elsewhere. Funnily, I found all of them by sharing interests such as ā guess what ā certain movies, TV series, books, bands, writing and so on and so forth. I regularly speak to these people and I would never have found them hadn't I spent my time on my passions: which are books, movies and music in the end. This is not supposed to be a pathetic over-emotional thank you to everyone I met on Tumblr, but I actually do know a lot of people who found friends on the internet by sharing their passions and hobbies.
The advantages of having friends in another country are obvious: not only I know where to sleep should I ever get to the US, it also provides a wonderful basis for getting to know other cultures, for being updated on global issues, for improving language knowledge, in the end: for being part of a globalized world. Which has disadvantages, but even those are now clearer for me, being on Tumblr and getting confronted with social issues on an everyday basis. The stranger was so very wrong in assuming movies (and books, but she did not address that fact) were a lonely hobby.
2) The misinterpretation of friendship
Friends from Tumblr aside ā more generalized, the stranger's assumption I do not have real friends at all was wrong as well, given the fact that I personally define friends in the following way.
As mentioned above, I do have a few friends, many of them on Tumblr, some of them āin real lifeā. When I left my former school over three years ago due to personal reasons, I quickly lost contact with many of my friends there. I have often lain awake and wondered about the reason for this, and by now I have figured it out. I do not share anything with these people except back then we went to school together. All my friendships that I claim to be of a sincere and trustworthy kind are those based on sharing interests. My best friends are those I can talk with about stuff I'm interested in. I am not to judge anyone else's friendships, but I do know that mine are real: calling to talk about the newest Doctor Who episode, lending books, quoting favorite characters, interpreting works of literature and comparing one's reception of a certain character: I define friendship by doing things together that are fun, by trusting each other and by being honest.
Mostly by the first point, to be honest. And doing things together that are fun ā well, that's what we are doing. The stranger obviously does not share my definition of friendship, but I fail to see what about my friends should be not real. The absurdity of the situation was increased by the fact that my friend and I were two: talking to each other. Neither of us were imagined or nonexistent, therefore we were ā to each other ā living proof that both of us have friends. We did a thing together that was fun (going to the cinema), we talked about the thing (which was also fun) and we even disagreed about the movie (therefore being honest with each other), but all of that just was proof to me that sharing a passion is the best possible basis for a friendship. That passion can of course also be going out together, but I fail spectacularly to see how the latter form of friendship could be in any kind superior to what my friends and I do.
I can only assume she was talking about boyfriends, then, a point which I will comment on in 5).
3) The misinterpretation of empathy
I use empathy in the wrong way here, actually. As you might know, empathy is the ability to feel what other people feel ā in contrast to sympathy which is only understanding how others feel or think. (For a better and more detailed explanation, go and watch Funny Face starring Audrey Hepburn and Fred Astaire.) Now what I want to talk about here is how the stranger apparently felt it was okay to intrude in our lives and insult us in one of the worst ways possible: by questioning our life choices.
You know my name, not my story.
A quote which is often found on, well, hipster blogs up here yet holds a certain truth. However well we think we know someone, we will never know everything about them. Your friend could self harm and you would never know, your brother could want to become a doctor yet is forced to study law, a girl from your class could secretly wish for you to talk to her etc.
What the stranger did and what is the unacceptable aspect about her question was not only that she was rude by indirectly calling us lonely outsiders, no, she also made the huge mistake by putting her priorities above ours: thinking she could tell us what we had to do in order to become happy. While I do not know her at all and do not wish to elaborate on what she might have thought since I simply do not know, I assume her āadviceā was not really based on teaching us how to become happy, but rather showing her superiority to ours. The superiority clearly being that she did not spend all her time watching movies and instead socializing. It is true, I do not go out much, clubs annoy me and I have resigned for ā hopefully ā forever from drinking alcohol a few weeks ago and a good part of that is the fact that I am not the kind of girl that either picks all the guys up in a bar or club or gets picked up by a lot of guys. I am not beautiful by any standards, I am shy, I am not funny or flirtatious and I do simply not have any ability that would provide me with endless phone numbers collected in one evening or thousands of guys wanting to go out with me. And to be honest, that does make me feel unsure and unhappy lots of times. But that is my business and my business alone, and I could not care less about a stranger thinking she could know how I feel about not having a boyfriend or not being picked up all the time. Worse than that, she apparently thought she could tell me how to erase these āproblemsā. Had I asked for her advice, it would have been justified. But I didn't. And if I see a girl talking to a friend in a public train, then this does not in any way justify me telling them about how to handle their life. That is not empathy, that is rudeness.
4) The misinterpretation of pop culture
Let me get to my penultimate point: The argumentation why occupying oneself with popular culture as a hobby is not inferior to whatever the stranger meant by āgetting friendsā.
I will start off with a personal story and then try to neutralize my point of view a bit.
At the age of twelve, I read the āCatcher in the Ryeā, a book which is usually well-known to people around my age. I fell in love with the book the very instant, not only with the protagonist Holden but as well with the entire setting and language. At this time, it was merely a good book I happened to read, but as I grew older, I reread it a few times and started to understand the symbolism, the actual reason why this book is regarded as one of the best in the world. I started to read other works of literature and found out two things:
Firstly, books can help overcoming stressful experiences or low self-esteem days. I have often felt as a loner or outsider (I suppose every teenager sometimes does) and books (movies as well) can help understanding that you are not alone in your feelings. It may or may not be my fault that I have not had a boyfriend yet (or maybe will never have) but reading books, watching movies (good ones, that is) helps you understand the world, helps you find another point of view, in general: can help you manage your life.
And secondly, occupying oneself with books and movies is a quite intellectual form of a hobby (at least when we are talking about halfway intelligent and/or intellectual movies; Nicholas Cage movies don't count). They are a form of art, and while there is still subjectively āgoodā and ābadā art, one cannot deny that occupying oneself with sociocritical art is not a totally pointless way of spending one's time. All in all, no one has to watch and analyze movies as a hobby: but people who do are not inferior to those who spend their time ā āgetting friendsā (although I still fail to see why I am not getting āreal friendsā by doing what I do since reality proves the contrary).
5) The misinterpretation of relationships
Or, not so much relationships as rather the importance of relationships. Being a girl in her mid-teenage years, I get asked quite frequently āhow it's going with the boysā. Usually these questions come from my (female) friends who in return tell me about their boy stories (I do not intend to bash or ignore other sexual orientations, I just don't happen to have any LGBTA+ friends). I am, if not excluded, at least seen as the exception, being almost of full age and never having had a relationship of any sort. While I sometimes wonder if anything has gone wrong with me or if I have just failed spectacularly at reaching what seems to be the only counting goal a teenager has to have nowadays.
The stranger I encountered, weirdly, convinced me of the contrary despite her effort to make me seem and feel inferior to her: by laying open her standards of what one has to do in order to become happy and applying them to me without even wasting a thought about the possibility that I might have other standards or priorities, I understood (maybe for the first time) that our society has created absurd standards one feels obligated to fulfill. Teenagers are humans in their most unsure phase of life, many of them searching for the āmeaningā, trying to distance themselves from parents and adults and desperately looking for a way to be part of āthe groupā. The peer group, that is. And while I feel very happy being with a group of friends and obviously during my personal development which still lasts (and will last for quite a while) have accepted and developed other standards than my parents', it is just as wrong to accept āsociety's standardsā without questioning as it is with my parents' standards.
I realize I am getting off-topic quite far but what I want to express is this: Even if the stranger would have wanted to tell us some serious piece of advice (i.e. helpful) she would have been wrong all along. Because what makes me a girl, a happy girl nonetheless, is not a boyfriend. Or the striving for a boyfriend. Or an ex-boyfriend.
I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend, I don't mind not having a boyfriend.
Dear strangers on the train, dear parents, dear friends, dear teachers, dear people we encounter in our daily life: Stop centralizing the story with the boys in our daily life. There is nothing wrong with a 18-year-old having no boyfriend or with a 13-year-old having a boyfriend or with a 15-year-old having a girlfriend or with a 29-year-old virgin. It's so not your business. Your advice on how to get a boyfriend, how to attract the guys, how to change yourself in order to attract as many boys as possible will not automatically lead to our happiness. What leads there is us having our own priorities and our own life goals. Which can be a relationship. Or not.
In short: Stop reducing us to girlfriends and wives.
Book review #17: Woyzeck
Georg Büchner: "Woyzeck" - finished in April 2013
Book review #16: Delete This At Your Peril
Neil Forsyth: "Delete This At Your Peril" - finished in April 2013
Book review #15: The Great Gatsby
F. Scott Fitzgerald: "The Great Gatsby" - finished in April 2013
Book review #14: Neverwhere
Neil Gaiman: "Neverwhere" - finished in April 2013
Book review #13: Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare: "Much Ado About Nothing" - finished in March 2013
Book review #12: About A Boy
Nick Hornby: "About A Boy" - finished in March 2013
Book review #11: The Fault in Our Stars
John Green: "The Fault in Our Stars" - finished in March 2013
Book review #10: The Sandman/The Deserted House
E. T. A. Hoffmann: "Der Sandmann/Das ƶde Haus" ("The Sandman/The Deserted House") - finished in March 2013
Book review #9: The Graveyard Book
Neil Gaiman: "The Graveyard Book" - finished in March 2013
Book review #8: The Importance of Being Earnest
Oscar Wilde: "The Importance of Being Earnest" - finished in March 2013
Book review #7: Special Topics in Calamity Physics
Marisha Pessl: "Special Topics in Calamity Physics" - finished in February 2013