Lillypad Fairy

Previously @sometimedarling 5’7”, CW: 50kg, SW:60kg, tried to recover but all I want is to disappear and have the wind blow me over again

[lolalillyy]

Since starting a new job, my appetite has gone up so much and by my standards I’ve been bingeing way more, but because I’m on my feet all day most days, I’m maintaining, and now I’m just scared for the day my luck runs out and my metabolism catches up, cause tbh having the excuse to eat ice cream again is equally terrifying and wonderful

[lolalillyy]

We don’t talk much about how prolonged EDs basically result in you consistently neglecting your medical needs, whether they’re related to the ED in question or not.

The shame and fear of doctors offices, constant fear of being found out and made to recover, resulting in this twisted risk assessment over whether something is bad enough to risk getting caught. Any pain, ailment or physical issues that you make yourself live with because getting help means medical professionals asking questions.

Whether you’re underweight or not, doctors can be scary. So if you experience this anxiety and are able to push past that fear at any point, know I’m proud as hell of you.

Every one of us deserves to feel good, happy and healthy, and any step to address discomfort in your life is a step well taken 💕

[lolalillyy]

Don’t get me wrong I rather enjoy the Skinny™️ but like can I get an ass that doesn’t bruise at the whiff of a hard surface pls standing hurts my knees why u gotta make sitting painful too

[lolalillyy]

Getting halfway up a GIANT set of stairs and not being physically able to take in enough breath

Hey lungs?

That’s not very cash money of you I don’t appreciate it

[lolalillyy]

It’s bittersweet being too small for clothes you loved to wear before, and having to choose between only bad options going forward:

Do I keep the clothes telling myself “well you know you’re not going to stay skinny forever we both know you have no control”

Do I tailor them to fit me now and have to eliminate them from my life entirely if I do recover?

Do I give them away to avoid being trapped in these choices?

I wish clothes were less concrete, less fragile, I wish a shirt could bring me joy wearing it at any size, but instead it’s always a reminder either of my failings or of constant pain

[skinnymememories2]

whenever i eat i get hungrier

when i dont eat i really don't feel the need to

[lolalillyy]

Yes I bought low sugar froot loops and LCMs today

If you’re going through life terrified of food or calories, and there’s something that brings you a lil joy, fkn get it if you can.

If foregoing some nutritional value for the day in favour of froot loops makes my day brighter, sorry yoghurt and fruit I’ve eaten you every day for months I think you’ll cope

[lolalillyy]

I had to sit down while making breakfast today, my knees couldn’t cope holding me up

My eyes refused to focus or wake up for like three hours after waking up

I’ve been a moody bitch all day

I’m not about to recover, I’m in too deep, but I think I’m just gonna try to eat a more normal amount today, cause as much as I wanna be skinny, I don’t really wanna die anymore

[lolalillyy]

We come here to express how alone we feel in the world, to reaffirm the cries of all the other lonely souls we will never know, and fight for them to hold onto their light just a little bit longer.

This is your reminder that your light is precious and you deserves the love, kindness, and support you put out to others.

Try to do something to show that love to yourself today. 💕

[lolalillyy]

It’s not so much that there’s a point where I get “too skinny” for myself, it’s more there’s a point where it becomes too obvious and I’m paranoid people will catch on

[lolalillyy]

There’s a lot of focus on the I hate myself depression

There’s the everything hurts and existence exhausts depression

Plus the the world and life is too unbearable to endure depression

But one that I don’t acknowledge enough is the abysmally logical depression

The depression that isn’t warped by perspective, but is filtered through a harsh enough bias that it feels entirely cognisantly that it is hopeless and deserves it. It freely and actively continues to punish itself with blame and hatred.

So at least there’s options at the genetic dessert bar

[lolalillyy]

Check in on yourself and your needs today:

Have you drunk water?

Are you in any addressable pain?

Have you seen the sun lately?

Have you been neglecting a nutrient or type of food lately?

Have you taken your meds?

How can you can be kind to yourself in this moment?

💕💕💕

[lolalillyy]

I don’t just do this to feel fragile and small

I do this to take the power that I never got to control, never got to relish in for fear of being too much, too big, too loud

I want to be a weapon

I am the sword, the daggers of my hips may be dented and scratched but they will still take what they are due

I am the poison, pestilent sweetness, appeasing and beaming as I slide down throats and wreck havoc on insides

I am the honeyed plague they brought upon themselves when they told me to replace the vinegar

I am the biting wind and radiating chill I carry with every step

I may break, but I’ll be damned if I don’t take them out with shards of bone along the way

[lolalillyy]

Cant decide whether i wanna be ballerina boneless and bendy or pointy and sharp as a blade

[lolalillyy]

It’s really weird having moderately frequent pain AS WELL as all the random phantom pains that come with an ED - not only is it a fun lil guessing game of discomfort, but being paranoid about other people catching on makes it like playing roulette of

✨who’s gonna get institutionalised today✨

[deadpooltrash]

[calorieskill]

🏃🏼‍♀️

[lolalillyy]

This is honestly like 70% of why I smoke weed…

[lolalillyy]

In case nobody told you lately:

I believe in you.

There is magic in your soul and warmth in you heart, and I hope you can show it to yourself sometimes.

Please be kind to yourself today ☺️