whispering out loud

I’m 24yo and autistic. Trying to get back to writing

[mellosdrawings]

So I wait.

[lonesomeandlonging]

One thing about me is that i spent years in therapy treating anxiety and then even needing meds for it when the problem is that my anxieties and worries were actually becoming real. Like, i remember thinking "can you even call it paranoia when its actually true?". People (irl and on the internet) always say "your friends don't secretly hate you, that's just your anxiety" but then i discover my friends did secretly hate me. AND THAT SHIT HAPPENED MORE THAN TWICE!!! So forgive me for worrying about my friends secretly hating me when this has an historic of happening. Is this still anxiety? Or just recognizing patterns? So how can my anxiety get better when this keeps happening?

[lonesomeandlonging]

So i hate seeing those posts saying "stop thinking your friends secretly hate you" it just feels like toxic positivity.

"that’s a little mean. I wish you wouldn’t picture me that way" well, you gotta understand where I'm coming from

[lonesomeandlonging]

One thing about me is that i spent years in therapy treating anxiety and then even needing meds for it when the problem is that my anxieties and worries were actually becoming real. Like, i remember thinking "can you even call it paranoia when its actually true?". People (irl and on the internet) always say "your friends don't secretly hate you, that's just your anxiety" but then i discover my friends did secretly hate me. AND THAT SHIT HAPPENED MORE THAN TWICE!!! So forgive me for worrying about my friends secretly hating me when this has an historic of happening. Is this still anxiety? Or just recognizing patterns? So how can my anxiety get better when this keeps happening?

[honeydewdrops333]

what doesn’t kill you makes your nervous system more sensitive for the rest of your life

[lavenderlemniscate]

feels like im always recovering. when do i get to live

[lavenderlemniscate]

"it's okay to rest for as long as you need from burnout" how long is it actually going to take though. there's stuff i wanna do.

[shushututu]

People seriously underestimate the long term effects of constant loneliness

"why are you so weird?" Idk, maybe because being completely isolated while growing up has destroyed my brain and now I'm nothing more than a human-mimicking creature that bases all of my actions on what I think is normal human behavior rather than just doing things naturally

[sunlit-mess]

Just give it one more day

[wiingdings]

on colors and being different and not being enough for yourself

(please reblog instead of liking)

[ren-maybe]

Cw: g0rey, goo from the body, mold (?)

[zemfruit]

i feel so completely directionless

[thedisneybarbie]

Loneliness will one day eat me from the inside out. I’m grateful for what I have in my life, I’m grateful for my family and the very little friends I do have but I feel I’ll always be “lost” The worst thing I hate about being autistic is the loneliness and isolation…everyone around me has groups of friends, other halves, colleagues etc where I only have a long list of failed friendships, unrequited loves and none existed relationships. I’ve gotten close to people who’ve just left because I’m so replaceable, Most of the time I hide away, there’s so much I haven’t done in life and I’m scared I won’t get to experience much…Depression, anxiety and OCD take over and I overthink and over worry everything 😣 I try to keep it all together, I try to always remain hopeful and positive but one day will things be better?

[snorlaxatives]

good morning cruel world

[the-little-engine-that-couldnt]

Don’t you mean goodbye?

[snorlaxatives]

no i meant good morning. this world may be cruel but i’m still kickin’

[thrassisfras]

The goal is to feel well enough to do everything I want to do, even if I don't feel 100%.

[chai-penguin]

On Isolation

[chai-penguin]

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

i am giving myself time to grieve the versions of myself i was and the versions i never got to become

[inkskinned]

i must not let the fatigue get me i must not let the inertia take me i must not lie down, i must keep fighting. oh giles corey, patron saint of more weight, protect me as i walk forward, endlessly. so many days now i wake and the exhaustion presses her hands on my shoulders. she asks me what more can you do? and i close my eyes to her. i have given up so much already. i must not kiss her. she dances so beautifully. she makes this bed into a promise. i must not lie down, love. i must get up. i must keep fighting.

[petaltexturedskies]

I hope you believe that you can still make a beautiful life for yourself even if you lost many years of it to grief, or darkness, depression, or a wound that wouldn't close.