K Hart is finally pretending to be professional.

-Unpublished author seeks literary representation and in the meantime wallows in the fact that she has no discernible social life - There will be occasional posts not related to writing, which can be removed by blacklisting #khartnotwriting. Just so that people don't get too frustrated with this! New rules: I'm asking everyone to send any answers to questions I ask into my inbox so that I can reply properly to you and my blog is easier to navigate! Hope you all understand!

[longfullandemptywithwords]

Why I withdrew, and why DID is not your game.

Okay, so I haven’t been around in quite a while. And I’ve specifically not posted why so far. But right now, I consider it to be very important for me to say this. But first, a few disclaimers:

1) This is not an attack on anyone. This, if anything, is directed at those who claim to have DID who do not (I cannot comment on any other form of multiplicity as I am not educated in those matters AT ALL and would not wish to get anything wrong). You will know who you are. I don’t need to tell you. This is not a matter of those who doubt themselves or their diagnosis, but those who roleplay and toy with mental illness as though it’s a game. I know some incredible, genuine folks on here that I wish all the best to. I also have no intention of stirring up drama. The purpose of this message is purely to make others aware, particularly those who may be wondering at my absence, why I’m not vocal and around as I was.

2) I am still here. If people wish to speak to me, they’re still welcome to. I’m also still writing, and always appreciate input. I’m still writing about DID, with the wonderful help of some systems who have retained contact with me.

3) I don’t have DID. I have tried to make this as clear as possible from the beginning, and have corrected anyone as soon as I realised that people have misunderstood. This means that ANYTHING I SAY ON THE MATTER comes from a position of (relative) ignorance. I would ALWAYS suggest anyone talk to systems themselves if they wish to learn more. But, of course, politely.

So, with all of those disclaimers out of the way, the reason I left:

I haven’t been around here that long. At one point, a lot of folks were interacting with me. As a writer, I thought, great. People are willing to help me out with this, and thank you so much to those who did. Several of you still talk, and those who don’t are always welcome. Both as people helping me out with a writing thing, and, if you wish, just to say hello.

As time went on, a lot of the folks I became very close to began to leave. And this, I noticed, was because they felt lost and overrun. This was because they were sick and tired of swimming through a sea of roleplay, fanfiction, and people who thought DID was a game. There were people around who were, essentially, pretending that DID was something fun they could play at for a while.

Not everyone did that. But in general, I came to see just how hard it was for systems to speak up about their experiences. How many people came to Tumblr and the community here hoping for acceptance and recognition, where they’re able to be themselves regardless of the restrictions on them in real life, and to be able to talk to others who have the same experiences. And instead, what they found was a roleplaying game with DID as the setting. They came for genuine, fellow feeling and support, and they found a game.

One thing I can say for certain, even as an outsider, is that DID is not fun. No mental health issue is fun. Having people there to help you out sounds great, right? ... Until you realise how bad it has to get for you to not be able to deal with it WITHOUT having those other folks there. And alters. Great, right? You could have anyone, of all different backgrounds, right there in your head. Except... three of them carry severe trauma memories that keep them awake at night and mean they can’t even interact with other people properly without being terrified something will happen again. Two of them block out their trauma with addictions. One of them lashes out because it’s the only way they know how to protect themselves. Another one hasn’t smiled in all of the years you’ve been alive because every time they look up, they see something that reminds them of what they went through. And those are just the beginning. And not just that, but several of those could be the same person.

So this is a note, but it’s also a plea. If you are on here and you think DID is a game, think again. Think how it would feel if you finally spoke up about things that you’ve lived with in silence for years to someone you thought was the same only to find they’ve been pretending. Or how it would really, honestly, feel to have to deal with the dark side of DID. The non-pretty bits. The bits no one wants to talk about and no one wants to see. THAT’S what you’re pretending.

To all DID systems out there, you are incredibly strong people. Every single one of you. What you have had to deal with, what you are still dealing with. In my experience dealing with some of you, it has been (and hopefully will continue to be) incredible. I have made some incredibly close friends since creating this blog, and each one of you is important to me in a different way. And that is part of the reason I find myself so sad that your lives are treated as something ‘fun’ or trivial. I know probably around 10% of what it’s like. Nothing more. And even I can see the struggle, the journey, and how serious this is. And I’m just a novelist writing a story. People need to learn that mental illness is not a game or a hat you can try on, and mentally ill folk (I am also mentally ill, but in a different way) are not just the front we put up. It’s hard, it’s horrible, and it sucks. No one WANTS to be mentally ill. No one chose this. If anyone wants my mental illness symptoms, they can take them. Gladly. I’d pay you to do it. So why is that different for DID?

- K Hart

[longfullandemptywithwords]

I’m feeling the need to apologise to everyone again... mostly because the thing that most people are here for, the novel Alternate... well, there’s no news. Nothing to say. I’m waiting and doing my best to get the right kind of attention for it, but for most publishers unless they think there’s a market, and enough people who want the novel (and of course unless they think it’s good enough), they’re just not interested. I will keep trying, always. But my currently rather melancholy brain is unsure. Keep crossing those fingers for me, folks.

- K Hart

[cognitivevariance]

Attention neurotypical writers!!!

It annoys me to no end that neurotypicals want to write about what its like to have DID.

No. I don’t want your privileged ass to pretend to know our stories. Yeah, some of us will fall over helping you- but I refuse to believe that a neurotypical can write about DID accurately.

This is the biggest bunch of appropriative bullshit we have ever heard. Let Us Write Our Own Stories

[longfullandemptywithwords]

I’m really hoping cognitivevariance doesn’t take offense to me adding to this, because we have spoken briefly and I like to think we got along! I’m not neurotypical, but I DON’T have DID. And I decided to write about it. 

I get exactly where this is coming from. And YES oh my goodness please let people have their say, write their stories themselves. That’s a huge deal to me. But I made a wordpress post a short while back... I don’t think it’s wrong to write about something you haven’t experienced... I just think it’s hard. And far, far too many people take the easy way out and write cliches or tropes that are seriously harmful.

I think the big important thing to ask yourself when you’re writing about something like mental health, is why you’re doing it. If you’re trying to write in a ‘crazy’ person to add interest or because you think it’s exotic or ‘fun’. Back the hell away. If, like me, you want to write about these things because you’re sick to death of reading about people who are white, who are neurotypical, who have the same character arcs, the same problems, as the last 3,000 books you read... then you REALLY have to do your research.

And not just that, you grab some of those people, if they’re willing. You ask them to read it, and tell you anything that’s accidentally offensive or awkward or just plain nonsense. Then you make sure that if they say something’s offensive, or not true, even if your whole story hinges on it, YOU CHANGE IT. You change that misinformation immediately and you listen to them about what THEY want, what they want to see and what you have got wrong. There is no such thing as artistic license when you’re dealing with delicate subjects. NONE. And you bow to them, at the end of the day.

- K Hart

[longfullandemptywithwords]

Syfy’s The Magicians

Okay, so I don’t normally do this, but anyone who knows me even slightly well in person knows that for many years I have had a huge, fangirl style, obsession with a set of books by Lev Grossman referred to as The Magicians’ Trilogy. It was actually a huge deal to me, both as a reader and as a writer, though it was widely criticised. I am so much a fan that I interviewed Lev Grossman himself around this time last year, over here:

https://longfullandemptywithwords.wordpress.com/2014/05/03/i-managed-to-get-an-email-interview-with-lev-grossman-author-of-the-magicians/

And now, guess what? While the last book may have come out and I thought I had nothing more to look forward to, THERE’S A TV SERIES. I don’t even watch much TV, but I will be gluing myself to the screen at this point. And I don’t want ANYONE to miss out on this set of books that made my life so much better for a large proportion of my time as a student and ever since. 

Now, there is a BIG WARNING. At the end of the second book, there’s a particularly graphic sexual violence scene that made even me feel very uncomfortable, and sometimes prevents me from recommending the books. I sincerely doubt they would be able to include it in the television series, but who knows? So do watch out for yourselves and feel free to ask me (believe me, I’ll be watching it), if it’s safe so far at any point in the show. 

- K Hart

[longfullandemptywithwords]

When it starts selling, I want to be able to buy it. As in, I don't want to wait for t to come to my bookstore. I want to brag about it before everyone else hears of it. :P

I like you :P.

I’m hoping that when it comes to it, I will be able to post a link asap to wherever it is online. The current aim is very much for it to be traditionally published, so I will exhaust all avenues there before looking into the messy self-publishing side if necessary. Which means I won’t have that much control over marketing and knowing where and when it will be sold except what I’m told. HOWEVER I will keep everyone updated with all of the information I know, when I know it (and when I’m allowed to tell!)

- K Hart

(When it starts selling, you can say ‘hey, I spoke to this person... she’s sorta weird and told me she likes me!’)

[longfullandemptywithwords]

Well, it’s been a while.

Today, I received my first response from a literary agent. This time, the match wasn’t right. But there are others, and there are a couple in particular that I would really love to take this novel on because from what I know about them, they’re exactly the kind of people that could make it so much better and market it just right. So wish me luck!

One thing I want to say is that I promise that one way or another, this book will exist. If I can’t do this the traditional way, for whatever reason, I WILL find a way of putting it out there. Because before I started writing it, I didn’t realise that so many people actually needed it.

I normally waffle, but that’s it. That’s the thing. I promise however long it takes, whatever happens, this novel will exist.

- K Hart

[itsonlythefirstdraft]

What are the best ways to introduce a minor/second character that is trans?

I’ll be honest, I’m still trying to work my away around how to introduce trans characters respectfully–for lack of a better word, it’s not that I have no respect for them.It could be the fact that I’ve spent a lot of time on tumblr and have since had this ingrained fear of having people jump down my throat because I accidentally used wording that might not be correct. *Side note: for real, this kind of poisonous tumblr mindset really needs to die soon. But, if I were in your shoes I would treat it as any other case with introducing a character that might be different from the MC: do it subtly. Unless the point is for it to be made a huge deal in the narrative, then don’t point spotlights to it. You know how some authors describe different races like, “His chocolate brown skin glistened in the sun, and his smile like pearl-white marshmallows,” you know, food descriptions that are super weird and obvious in their attempts to be subtle because they don’t want to say he was black (unless the MC is a chef/foodie and describes everyone that way)?Don’t do that. Ask people and research correct terms to use instead of dancing around the subject. Because I haven’t written a trans character yet, I haven’t done much research, myself. So, I am, unfortunately, pretty ignorant on the subject.I used to have a reference somewhere, but I can’t find it now. :cIf someone else can offer help from experience or just knows a really good resource, please speak up!

[longfullandemptywithwords]

I suggest introduce them as their gender. Their preferred gender. Depending on their character, they may have elements of the gender in their physicality that they're trying to get away from that the MC may notice, such as a more masculine or feminine figure than they would like. But ultimately, the trans part comes out in conversation, or even when you know someone better.

The problem with ‘introducing a trans characters’ is that for most people, that’s not the first thing you notice about them. Trans people I know... all I’ve thought is ‘wow, she’s pretty’, or ‘I love that top’. With some, it took me ages to even know, and it made no difference when I did.

It’s different from the colour of someone’s skin. You can’t necessarily ‘see’ whether someone is trans. If you’re desperate to make this known (and good, we need more trans characters), then I suggest going into it a little. Even if it’s something as simple as seeing this person’s old pictures and having them casually mention it, or have them discuss hormone replacement briefly. That tends to be how you find out.

I hope that helps!

- K Hart

[longfullandemptywithwords]

Beta-reading, publisher hunting, bookworm life and my disappearances.

Some people may have noticed that though I always reply to any messages given to be here asap, I do tend to vanish occasionally. Just to let everyone know that this isn’t intentional... I have simply been kidnapped by day-to-day life.

So, with that done, I have two things to say:

1) People! If there is anyone that wants to beta-read in the second wave, contact me. Several of the people who were reading this book first have, through no fault of their own, been unable to. I would appreciate greatly the feedback, and especially from systems. If I do the whole ‘mad axe DID murderer’ thing, I want you to leap on me with the vengeance of however many souls you are able! (Disclaimer: no axes will be used in the making of this book).

2) I will, within the next couple of months, be hunting for the best fit of publishers for the book, which means news may die down a little as it can be a very long process. I want everyone to wish me luck, and hope for the best with it! One day I will be able to direct you all to the novel, I hope!

- K Hart

[longfullandemptywithwords]

I know some1 who writes stories 4 fun & I know it's a good idea to use experiences but this person used her schizophrenic aunt. The character is a divorced lady w/schizophrenia who tried to abort the baby by stabbing her stomach. It's not a main character but she is the ex-wife of 1 of the main characters. Apparently something similar happened w/this person's aunt. Plus it feels like she's using the disorder to give her character depth. It struck a nerve. She only comes out in the beginning. :/

…

This hurt to read, honestly. The thing is, to all writers, use your experiences, use you. Use everything you know and the things you’ve come across and how you felt about them. Many of my characters have traits that I have, at one point or another, displayed in my life. Or traits I’ve liked in others.

But using disorders for depth, and only showing one side of the story, is not how to do it. Sure, sometimes things like that happen. It’s relatively rare, but they do. But that’s not all there is to know about the person. That person will have, if they have schizophrenia, experienced terrifying moments of clarity where they feel that real life isn’t real anymore, where they hurt because the things they did while lost in a delusion haunt them. They will also have an explanation for their actions. At the root of schizophrenia, there isn’t a lack of logic. There is a delusion. And that might be that she was told to do a particular thing by an authority figure, or desperation, or so on. But there is still a reason. The reason may just not make sense to people who don’t understand that way of thinking.

You don’t find that out with stories told about your relatives. Unless they’re very close, they wouldn’t tell you. And no one else would know. You hear the sensationalized parts passed around by the family gossip… you don’t hear the thoughts and what it’s like. 

I’m sorry that hearing about this hurt you, and I’m sorry too that someone is out there doing this… because it can hurt, even if it’s not you… and I can only imagine how this person’s aunt would feel to know. The simple fact is, you use your OWN experiences… not other people’s… not directly like that.

- K Hart

[longfullandemptywithwords]

Thank god. I am so tired of hearing people say that DID is a middle class white woman's disorder. I know a Hispanic transgendered male who has DID so I don't know why they keep saying that.

I hear that an awful lot myself. The simple fact is, there are no ‘middle class white women’s’ mental health disorders. Mental health doesn’t discriminate. Sometimes, it is more common that someone of a particular background is DIAGNOSED, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that only those people actually have the disorder. And it certainly doesn’t mean that people who don’t fit that background don’t have it.

- K Hart

[longfullandemptywithwords]

We do know IRL a born male person with DID. We've met a few of his alters. He mainly presents as male but has a few female alters. I can't speak for him much though as I am not him, but definitely they exist.

Thank you for sharing this, anon!

For the anon asking about systems in born male bodies, this is a little more than my vague insistence that there must be some!

- K Hart

[longfullandemptywithwords]

Knot sure how to ask this...when alters remember memories do they think "I remember when this happened to me" or "I remember when this happened to the owner of the body."? Is it weird holding memories that aren't your own? How do they feel sharing similar memories with other alters about the same person?

Perhaps some people could answer this better than I could, but I know that most people who talk to me about their memories, or seeing old photographs, they see it as ‘oh well this happened to… Fred. or whoever’ (disclaimer: I do not know anyone called Fred… feel free to wave if you’re called Fred). But it can be pretty weird. Do bear in mind, though, if you’ve lived like this for a certain amount of time, while it’s weird at first it becomes something you get used to.

In fact, the other day I was talking to a friend that may or may not see this, who pulled on memories from another alter in the system, that weren’t his at all. That was odd and slightly amusing for me, but very practical and necessary at times.

- K Hart

[kaxoeun-deactivated20150607]

Hey, I saw the “maybe someone could answer this better” bit and thought that I would answer. K is right largely, but I’ll give some description here.

For a bit of background, myself and Jess have been around longest in our system, so everything “should be” mine or Jess’s. 

When I remember something I remember it happening to me if it did. Next week I won’t say “oh hey remember when Jess (or Irene as Irene is our primary host at the moment?) replied to that post?” I remember being 10 and walking under an overpass and getting shat on by a pigeon, I’d say it happened to me not Jess (who actually was host then, last time I was host we were super young, I lost interest in things out here for a long time). Now one time for our 7th birthday we got this cabbage patch doll that you feed things to and it ate Jess’s hair. That happened to Jess, not me, so Jess’s hair not mine. Irene vividly remembers that experience and says “my hair” sometimes but others they recall it happened to Jess and they just remember so they say “Jess’s hair. I fed it a penny though and it didn’t like that. Irene got a tattoo on the inside of our left wrist in memorial to someone important to them and Vicki. Technically we have that tattoo, shared body. But “we” didn’t get that tattoo, we just agreed that Irene and Vicki could. So if I was talking about it later on down the road I’d say “Irene/Vicki’s tattoo” even though it’s on my arm right now (when I’m fronting the body is mine so I say my arm, though I never say “my __” about things that make me dysphoric like our hair or chest, I say “the __” or avoid acknowledging it like the plague). 

We share the body not the experience. I can pull up pictures of us and point out all of the ones that aren’t me not only because I don’t remember being there but because I can see all the nuances in posture and expression. I’d point to a picture of our body and say “oh that’s CJ” if it was CJ who was out or I thought it was. No one looks like the body exactly anyway. If we ditched the glasses and got into shape and grew our hair longer then it’d look like Jess I guess (which endlessly irritates me because neither of us can pinpoint which of us was around first or if we’ve always both been here so people assume it’s Jess because girl body). But either way that’s CJ in the picture not her. I’ll always say “the littles went to the zoo” or “Irene took the littles to the zoo” not “I went to the zoo”. The only time I mask it like that and say me or I about things I wasn’t present for is when I’m hiding. 

[I talk too much so have a read more]

As one of the “owners of the body” (I think the term anon is looking for is core or original, though a lot of systems don’t have one or don’t use the term original so it’s kind of tricky), meaning myself and Jess have been here longest, I have a weird angle I guess. If Irene said “I remember when Jess signed us up for 4 philosophy classes in one semester” that’d be off because Irene did that not Jess even if it’s Jess’s name on our student ID. When Jessy talks about traumatic stuff she says “when that happened to me” not “when that happened to Jess/Pete”. So mundane stuff and bad stuff that happened to us individually we remember as happening to us individually, not happening to “legal name” or whatever. 

Ultimately it varies system to system. In ours we own what happened directly to us. I mean, if you want to get nitty gritty and risk reducing people’s personhood I guess the others took things on for Jess and I. We just don’t see it like that. They joined us in our weird little life so what bits of it they have are theirs. Jessy put the harness on the cat backwards, not me. I’m procrastinating on homework I don’t understand, not Irene. If it’s something that affects all of us we say all of us. Whether we remember or not we all would’ve had a son (or I think some would’ve referred to him as a nephew but still). We are all going to graduate college so we’ll all have a degree. Merlynn is our furbaby, I’m her dad and so is Dylan and Will and… You get it lol. 

Now if more than one of us have the same memory (which I kinda approached but not entirely), we say it is whoever it belonged to. It’s like remembering something that happened to your friend or sibling, you remember the incident but you know it didn’t happen to you. If it feels like it did then you word it as though it did because you have the experience and not just knowledge of the experience. You risk finding out you might remember it wrong or in the case of DID that memories were passed on to you because the one who really owns them couldn’t handle it or couldn’t handle it alone, but you’d still word it that way until you found out differently.

I’m trying to cover all the angles in case I misunderstood the question. ^.^;

Pete

[longfullandemptywithwords]

Just going to reblog and leave this here because this answer is actually more than I ever could have hoped for, for the anon!

- K Hart

[longfullandemptywithwords]

More literary advice for writing mentally ill characters.

Okay, so this post was prompted by a book I’ve been reading. I won’t name it, because I don’t do critiques unless asked by the author. But it brought a few more problems to mind.

The thing is, characters with a mental illness are still characters. I see a disturbing trend in books that seems to say that every action a mentally ill character does is because of their condition. Oh, he has OCD? That’s why he moved that thing out of his way. The thing is, all characters have motivations for their actions, just like people do. And some writers forget that mental illness is not in itself a motivation.

Not everything we do is down to our mental illness. That is sometimes how we are treated in day to day life by people who don’t understand it. We can be normal, we can have days when we’re better or worse, and we can have dreams and ambitions beyond being in recovery. Often our dreams get put aside, but they’re still there.

So next time you write a character with a mental illness, write a CHARACTER. Then you tell me how this character deals with their mental illness, and how it affects who they are. Please don’t turn them into just their mental illness.

- K Hart

[longfullandemptywithwords]

To any alters who feel like they're worthless

I want to tell you a thing.

You exist because you were needed to help deal with something that couldn’t be dealt with without you. You are needed. In fact, you’re some of the only people in the world that can say that they exist entirely because someone could not live without them.

If that’s worthless, or useless, I think the rest of us really have to step up our game.

- K Hart

[riyukandcraig]

Fuck I started crying near the end. Its hard to be told Im meant something when no one means to talk to me. Ive always known my entire purpose has been for Craig, but being told it and it being something to be proud of meant a lot to me Thank you -Riyuk

[longfullandemptywithwords]

I hope you didn’t mind me reblogging this, Riyuk, but it was the only way I could get a message to you. You do mean something, believe me, both as yourself and as the person who helped Craig. Don’t ever forget it. And I hope you get to see this somehow. I really do. Because you are important. And you have every right to be proud of you, and who you are.

- K Hart

[longfullandemptywithwords]

So on average how many alters usually have PTSD out of everyone? Also do all the alters who hold bad memories have PTSD? Do all persecutors (mostly the ones that self harm or are suicidal or anything of the sort)have PTSD?

I couldn’t honestly tell you on average, but most alters I’ve come across have trauma of some kind, whether its the body’s or their own. Though there are some trauma-free littles, or even others, if that is what is needed.

Essentially the important thing to remember is that alters are people, too. So in the same way that not everyone who suffered trauma has PTSD, not every alter will, and not even every alter who has trauma in their past will suffer PTSD either. Everything is very much individual.

As for persecutors... again, they’re people. I’ve come across a lot of persecutor alters with PTSD, but that does not by any means mean that all have it. It’s very difficult to diagnose an alter with anything, particularly as the chances of them alone getting a diagnosis from a professional is small. If an alter has a condition, often it is considered by others, who see one body, that there is a person with DID and, say, schizophrenia... when in fact there are people with DID, and one of the people living in there has it. This is why it becomes rather complicated as soon as DID comes into the mix.

- K Hart

[longfullandemptywithwords]

Do all protectors have PTSD? Sorry if it's a stupid question.

No, not all. But a lot of people, in general, with DID have PTSD as they’re very common together. Not to mention if you consider the logic of the situation: if you’ve been through the kind of trauma many systems have and come out unscathed with only DID, you’re pretty lucky. But that doesn’t mean it’s a requirement for everyone in a system, or even theoretically anyone (though I must admit to not coming across a system with no alters with PTSD) to have it.

Hope these answers are helping! This one may be a little late because… well… timezones and occasionally my body actually allows me to sleep! 

Also, no such thing as stupid questions! You should have heard some of the things I’ve had to ask...

- K Hart

[longfullandemptywithwords]

Can protector alters have PTSD?

YES. 100% YES. In most systems I’ve come across, they do, in fact. As do others.

The simple fact is, your own difficulties, your own trauma, NEVER NEGATES how well you can protect others. Protector alters are often strong, strong people. Not necessarily physically, but certainly strong of heart. They often need to be, for the job they do to fit them. But strong people can hurt too. Some of the strongest people I’ve ever met had been to hell and back and brought back some ashes from the journey.

Those ashes may still burn sometimes, they may hurt, and for some they may never go away completely. But they do not define you. PTSD does not define who someone is, it just changes some things.

- K Hart

[longfullandemptywithwords]

Don’t make a habit of reblogging my own posts, but for those of you who follow me here but couldn’t care less about writerly ramblings... This is big and important and I want you to see it because it’s important even without DID stuff. No condition that I have ever come across makes you incapable of doing good things, being amazing and strong and helping others!