LongtimeDepWine

[longtimedepwine]

Bodacious Velvety (Chile) (Red) 750ml 13% 13.99$

Appearance:

Balanced, plain, in a word – generic

The level of rust colour which sticks with the tears is somewhat concerning

Looks like real wine

Aroma:

Poignant upper notes which flow gently through the nose

Balanced and full with a touch of strawberry and cherry

Hints of sharpness

Taste:

A lot going on – part acidic apple juice, part grape kool-aid (the powder mix that doesn't quite fully dissolve, part overripe natural fruit juice, and part hard alcohol (a shot) to the back of the throat

Stings the mouth

Pretty wet, likewhen you're a kid and you stick 4 of those foil-wrapped sticks of Juicy Fruit in your mouth at the same time and things get super saliva-y

Final Thoughts:

“How to name a wine? Throw a couple darts at a dictionary and see where they land”

“Twist-off cap is a nice touch”

“Like falling off your bicycle at top speed and landing in the middle of a lake – it's not the greatest but, damn, it could've been a lot worse”

[longtimedepwine]

Fogo (Portugal) (Red) 750ml 12% 12.49$

Appearance:

I know there's no section for “Sound” but straight outta the bottle it's quite loud and sharp

Nice mid-depth to the dark red colour

Surface so glass-like it looks like you could skate on it

Legs look like they have been badly damaged, perhaps in some kind of farm-machinery mishap

Aroma:

Heavy haze of booze but, underneath, a slight glimmer of hope

Wafts of young fruit

All kinds of sharp on the high-end and deep on the low

Taste:

Hits all parts of the mouth with a wet, uninspiring, flatness

Bitter and dark, almost nutty

Has a roasted quality

Final Thoughts:

“Fogo, foSure”

“It came out of the gate talking like the coq of the walk...and nearly walked it”

“Sour but without much strength, like that curmudgeonly old relative everyone loves but nobody really likes”

[longtimedepwine]

Harfang des Neiges (Canada) (White) 1L 10% 11.49$

Appearance:

Light and Crisp

Nice, consistent, colour

“This looks way better than it has any right to...its almost concerning”

Aroma:

Round bouquet with a hearty floral backdrop and memories of nector

Sugary sweet

Camouflaged booziness, like its lying in a field covered by foliage and netting

Taste:

...the other shoe dropped

Plenty tart and tannin-y

It doesn't make sense necessarily but it's like rotting unripe fruit

Sharp apple

Final Thoughts:

“Did you see that owl?”

“Grammy Smith, your juice has fermented”

“I'm not usually a stickler for the small details but, really, how can you have a wine named HARFANG des Neiges and not have a goddamn wolf on the label?”

[longtimedepwine]

Wish For Luck (Red) (Chili) 750ml $11.49 12.5%

Appearance:

Very much like cough syrup

Heavy and intimidating

Super low legs, like Cotton on King of the Hill

Aroma:

Fruity, juicy elderberries

A sharp roundness

Smells better from a few inches away, get too close and it’s just too much

Taste:

So much sour!

Extreme tannins, long lasting dryness

Shoots up the back of the nose

Does taste like cherries, but the sour ones that make you pucker your lips that little bit

Final Thoughts:

“Wish for...Another Wine!”

“Hang on to that rabbit's foot”

“Drink the wine if you'd like, but steer clear of the lottery tickets”

[longtimedepwine]

Kicking Horse Cellars (Red) (USA) 750ml $10.79 12%

Appearance:

Very black cherry

Foggy, thick, distorted and murky

Kaleidoscope of mystery

Aroma:

A cross between a used wet suit and sterile fruit

Notes of Bactene, or some other comparable ointment

Quite boozy

Taste:

It is long in the mouth

Like an unripe plum, it’s got a sour, bitter, end

Deep fruit action (there may be some cherry flavour syrup in here)

Final Thoughts:

“If Buckley's made wine?”

“Honestly – like a strong deep juice with a shot of vodka”

“Brings out the rodeo clown in me!”

“Like a warm, overripe, bowl of cherries with a few flies buzzing around”

“I'd rather a laying down horse...”

“Don't be deceived by the wild allure of the kicking horse, its a cherry-coated illusion”

“This is one horse that probably should've made a trip to the glue factory some time ago but it's still kicking and, on some level, you've got to respect that I think”

[longtimedepwine]

Relais des Oliviers (White) (France) 750ml $13.29 13%

Appearance:

Lively and refreshing

Legs like a little person who happens to be a champion short distance runner

Rich colour

Aroma:

Sharp and fruity, verging on cheddar

Wide and bold, perhaps overripe

Dynamic

Taste:

Dry and one dimensional

Boozy through the end with an acidic finish

Kinda taste it up the back of your nose

Final Thoughts:

“If I were on the olive trail, and I pulled into a rest stop, and they served me this...at first I would be like “what’s this?” and then I would get it”

“Disappointed in you France”

“The non-symmetrically cut front label helps to increase the enigma that is this wine”

[longtimedepwine]

Australian Ridge Bin 29 (White) (Australie) 750ml $12.99 12.5%

Appearance:

Colour of grape flesh and not too thick

Certainly not a leggy blonde

Like a liquid chandelier

Aroma:

Acrid and a little sharp

Fruity, but fleeting – like a deer

Touches of old cucumber with a hint of lilac that’s been sitting in a vase a little too long

Taste:

Hits hard and fast with some sour and sharp

Sour grapes, just short of pucker-y

Not much flavour but full of feelings

Final Thoughts:

“I’ve been nursing something that doesn’t need a nursery”

“Have you ever had orange juice that was way past the expiry date?”

“Yes I have, I know what you mean”

“Unlike most, this dep wine got worse as you got closer to the end of the bottle and, for some reason, that just doesn't seem right”

[longtimedepwine]

Valle Della Rosa (Red) (Italie) 750ml $13.79 12%

Appearance:

A touch of purple, and thin, like church wine

A lot like jell-o, but without the thickness

Aroma:

Round and fruity

Mild onset with some turpentine-like qualities

Taste:

Starts sweet and then tart, tart, tart, like a badly proportioned sweet tart

Warms at the back of mouth, lingers in the throat

Quite wet

Final Thoughts:

“I shouldn't have drank it”

“It tasted good at first and then lingered...poor finish”

“Just drink it, it's not bad”

“It's alright, I could see this winning a bronze medal at some kind of dep wine awards somewhere”

[longtimedepwine]

Notting Hill Bin 404 Reserve (Red) (Australia) 750ml $14.99 14%

Appearance:

Ruddy burgundy with some depth

Legs with varicose veins, late occurring

Aroma:

Pretty damn boozy

Harsh and unfiltered, burning

(debate ensues about chemical smell)

Taste:

Round, wide and tart-y

Empty on the high end, like a long-abandoned attic

Rough and bitter

Final Thoughts:

“Two people spilled it, including myself...there are no accidents”

“Bitter to the very end”

“It grew on me”

“I'm still only tasting sour”

“I've got nothing to say...and normally I've got a hell of a lot to say...uninspiring, I guess”

[longtimedepwine]

Les Truffes - Reserve de Chaumet (Red) (France) 750ml $13.29 12.5%

Appearance:

Shimmery with a film-y quality

Decent, deep ruby

Aroma:

Pungent and grimy

Thin, with a hint of artificial black cherry

Like getting punched in the face repeatedly by  a very small boxer

Taste:

Plastic-y, kinda what you'd assume Gumby would taste like

Some sharpness and boozy

Un peu plat with a tartness

Final Thoughts:

“Tastes more of the assembly line than the vineyard”

“It's like when you have heartburn and you burp up shit”

“It's the plastic-y element that really makes it unpleasant”

[longtimedepwine]

Viejos Robles (Red) (Argentina) 750ml $14.59 13%

Appearance:

Dark burgundy-brown

Whole lotta of micro bubbles

Aroma:

A strong roundness with pretty good depth

Blackberry and bark, with hints of highlighter

Taste:

Very active on the high-end, an unpleasant dancing of sharp and sour

Woodsy, baking soda, middle, very flat

A blend of unripe fruit and dried prunes, slightly mousseux

Final Thoughts:

“What can I say, I prefer cleaning out dusty, greasy, vents to drinking this – but I’ll do it anyway”

“Bad for a wine, decent for a flat beer, finishes like a bitter rousse”

“Should be used as a cooking wine, not even good enough for sangria”

“I’m just imagining sitting under a big ol’ tree, relaxing in the waning light, and drinking anything but this”

[longtimedepwine]

Autentico (Red) (Argentine) 750ml $11.48 13%

Appearance:

Like a churned-up bog

Looks boozy

Late arriving, ghost-like, legs

Aroma:

A wetness

Gentle touches of Hawaiian Punch

A bouquet of something, perhaps even aroma 

Taste:

A tingling in the jowls

Kinda sour with heavy alcohol

Round with some staying power

An open ended start with a disappointing finish

Final Thoughts:

“Label better than contents”

“Disappointment aplenty”

“It’s like Kool-Aid without the sugar”

“Leaves me where I started, a non-fan of Argentinian wine”

“Stamp this one: Not the Finest”

[longtimedepwine]

La Masseria D’Italia (Red) (Italie) 750ml $10.29 12.7%

Appearance:

Dense, deep burgundy

A little bit muddy

The thin, fast legs of a giraffe when a lion is about

Aroma:

Pungent, solid bodied

Hints of cherry with rumours of licorice

This one would do damaged if huffed  

Taste:

Soft and round to start and the goes sharp and boozy

Unripe blackberries

A salty disposition

Final Thoughts:

“A kick in the nuts…but not too hard”

“A wonderful whistling wine”

“It ain’t mouthwash, but it could be”

“Whistling is the worst”

“It’s like the island of misfit toys, you’ve got some kind of soft spot for it but there’s just too much strange shit going on”

[longtimedepwine]

Marquis Du Mericourt (White) (Canada) 750ml $10.99 11%

Appearance:

Appealing tone, although quite light

Bright and reflective

Leggy once it gets warmed up a bit

Aroma:

Sulphur-y, with a hint of tires

Low, sour and flat

Dirty cheese (not the good kind)

Taste:

Pretty innocuous to start but then all kinds of sour

Very dry, with bad aftertaste

Seems like something is a little off

Final Thoughts:

“I just chugged it cause I didn’t want to deal with it anymore”

“It’s not so bad after a cigarette”

“Caused a back spasm…I’m taking a bath”

“Like when your mom tells you it’s macaroni and cheese for dinner, and you spend the whole day looking forward to it, finally you get home and race to the table only to find she’d forgotten to mention there’d also be tuna, green beans and mushrooms thrown into the mix”

[longtimedepwine]

Tango (Red) (Argentina) 750ml $11.89 13%

Appearance:

*bonus points for interesting bottle design*

Very rusty

Long, widespread legs

Thins out quite a bit around the edges

Aroma:

Thin and high, tingles the tip of the nose

Boozy with hints of alcohol

A gentle roundness just under the surface

Taste:

Super fruity, round start with tart finish

Good touch of alcohol

Hits the top of mouth

Got spice, like the tall redhead you pass briefly on the street

Final Thoughts:

“Like cutting yourself on a rusty fence on a drunken summer night”

“It’s very boozy man”

“It’s like that night when, after a lifetime of ignorance, you get wasted and decide you actually know how to dance…this is that kind of Tango”

[longtimedepwine]

L’Heure Exquise (Red) (France) 750ml $15.63 12.5%

Appearance:

More brown than one would assume is healthy

Murky halo with very distinct meniscus

Many tiny bubbles

Aroma:

Emphatic vinegar-ness and sickly sweet

Hits very gentle for something so sharp

Seems to be missing some smell components

Taste:

Starts flat and gets flatter

Tastes like a welch’s knockoff, made in the 3rd world, and sold at your local Dollarama

Weak and wet, with a gentle little tingle on the end of the tongue 

Final Thoughts:

“For all its failings, definitely lives up to the expectations given by the label…”

“Pretty forgetable”

“Not sure if I’m leaning up against a dune, or if it’s just the camel that died getting me here, but either way there’s a sandstorm going on and this wine ain’t doing nearly enough to make me forget it”

[longtimedepwine]

L’Entre Côte (Red) (Canada) 750ml $12.95 11%

Appearance:

Soapy/bubbly like a whirlpool

Light in colour whilst being heavy in substance

Like the kid who gets hit in the face at dodgeball and can’t quite hold them back – tears are quick and ashamed 

Aroma:

Gentle hints of red fruit (berries)

Blend of booziness on 2 levels: i) high and piercing, ii) ambush from the left flank

Not a lingerer

Taste:

Bitter and sour with a sharpness at the end

Like bad cranberry juice that’s been watered down, only the watering down hasn’t helped, its just managed to bring out more of the bad

A wet wine, very gentle sensation-wise

Final Thoughts:

“On top of the rest, I hope my teeth haven’t gone all red”

“At least by your 2nd glass you’ve realized you’re not going to puke”

“Sorry George, this one just don’t got it”