Finally
No one reads these anyway. After close to a year of trying to fix my living schedule, thinking more positively and taking care of my health, I am now somewhat able to hold a job and work on finishing my education. Ā All of it was due to family and friends actually giving a s**t for once.Ā Lately Iāve been looking for long-term options and the lack of them left me drained and lost. Iām still trying my best to see past my pessimist bs. Ups and downs until the past few days, suddenly friends are cutting me off due to fake bs someone told them. Stressed me out but took care of it. Then my dad starts talking s**t about every bit of effort Iām putting trying to get my shit together, saying Iāll fail at this new job like every other job and Iām a lazy this and that.Ā I donāt have a clue what I did and/or what happened for things to blow up this rapidly, or what to do to fix it. I am still alone in the end and I donāt see any reason to push myself getting healthy. I went to get help for my lack of sleep and hunger, which gave literally no results other than having āchronic insomniaā and āchronic depressionā signed under my name without any treatment. I got told I wasnāt serious and I wasnāt trying hard enough. I canāt help but feel guilty when I wake up with a dry-heaving fit that keeps me pinned on the ground, too weak to eat. I know other people who have actual illnesses and are infinitely more optimistic about life. I gave up on feeling ānormalā. I donāt want people to feel bad for me, as my dad saysĀ āhelp yourself and god will help youā, but I tried and I donāt see any help coming.Ā I donāt laugh anymore, I donāt cry anymore. I canāt even find something to do now that I have money.
I donāt get those chills from life anymore, only when I close my eyes and feel myself falling... Then somedays, I think being aknowledged by someone could also take off some weight.
So Iāll wait until I canāt.



























