Losing It In Jersey

Northern California native, pop culture loving, cat obsessed, 38 years old, married in 2016, infertile for 3 years. First baby (Erp) born late December 2019, second baby (Aug) born August 2021. Momblr / Fitblr / Walkblr

[losingitinjersey]

I highly recommend taking a week off work and just staying at home. No travel, kids at school, husband at work. Just me, myself and I at home alone. Truly a gift and one I'm so looking forward to enjoying again in the not so distant future!

This past week I...

Got my hair cut (FAR shorter than I anticipated but I don't hate it)

Spent two hours at the DMV (with an appointment!) and got my New Jersey plates and license ordered.

Got my car inspected (thank you NJ for only requiring inspections every two years!)

FINALLY cleaned out and organized my office (aka the dumping ground for anything and everything since moving in).

Weeded the front and back yard.

Did all the laundry, cleaned all the bathrooms.

Went to Michaels and got all our diplomas framed along with an artwork I bought Kevin for his Groom's gift six years ago but we never hung because I never got it framed.

Bought a new piece of art to hang up.

Hung up over 20 pictures around the house - after not having anything up in our house in over a year, it feels amazing to see our things again!

Okay, so remember how I just said the other day that I'm satisfied not weighing myself? Apparently, I lied! I stepped on the scale this morning for the first time in months and months. The number wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was, and it's actually encouraging to see because I totally believe I can make some solid progress to get to a weight I know I'm super happy at.

In three weeks I'll be on vacation with my family* so I'd love to drop some pounds before then. Just to feel a bit better in my skin. It's interesting, I'm in this new mental and physical place right now where I don't hate my weight or body and I'm comfortable just being. I've been watching a lot of body positive TikTok and maybe it's actually rubbing off? I'm not constantly worried about how I appear and if my double chin is showing, or if my belly is overflowing from my waistband. I've worn sleeveless tops literally all summer long with barely a mind to how my arms look. It's a very very very unfamiliar place to reside in. But how awesome!?!

Given all of that, I still want to feel a bit better in my body so we'll see what I can make happen in the next three weeks. (Please note that I've declared I'd be starting a diet literally every other week for the past six months, so who knows if this one will stick :)) I'm hoping that by actually tracking my weight and posting about my progress here, it will be the motivation I need to keep it up this time.

*Not only am I going on vacation with my family but my BFF is coming!! Kevin couldn't attend this year due to his just starting a new job so I'm sooooo excited my bff is able to come with instead! My family goes to a lake in MD every year for the last 13 years but I haven't been in the last 3 years thanks to either being pregnant or the pandemic. It's going to be a completely different experience for me going with children. Like, I can't just jump in the boat for hours on end riding around the water. I need to worry about nap times and life jackets and how my kids are going to handle going to restaurants every single night. New adventures for all!

[losingitinjersey]

I just spent the last 20 minutes trying to find out how to turn off reblogging instead of actually writing this post.  Can someone please point me in the right direction? 

Today was the first day in 9 days that I was able to get out for a walk.  Despite the weather being disgustingly hot and humid, it felt really good to get back out again.  

I love how I was updating you on my daily routine but forgot to talk about anything after work begins at 9 a.m. and I sign-out by 5 p.m.  By 5:30 p.m. I get in the car to head to daycare 10 minutes away to pick up Erp and Aug.  As soon as Erp sees me she drops whatever she’s holding and SPRINTS to me.  It’s the best feeling ever.  Then we go into the Baby Shark room to get Aug who just looks at me with uninterested eyes as she continues about her day.  Hopefully soon she’ll also be excited to see me :) 

Then starts the longest two hours of the day.  I LOVE my kids and I miss them all day and you’d think that because I’m not with them during the day that I’d have enough energy to manage the two hours of dinner, hanging out, bath time and bed time but nope.  It’s somehow so much harder.  By 8 p.m. they’re both in bed, then it’s 30 minutes of picking up from the destruction that occurred in their wake.  By 8:30 p.m. I’m sitting on the couch in a clean house with my new robot vacuum running (love having hardwood floors again) and I’m able to watch one episode of a show before bed.  

Right now I’m watching The Stand since apparently I now have Paramount+ with commercials thanks to signing up for the only internet provider out here.  I finished the novel last year and loved it so much, I’ve been wanting to watch the adaptation but haven’t been able to until now. So perfect watching a show about a deadly pandemic ;) I’m also watching The Boys as it comes out every week.  Before this, I watched Under The Banner of Heaven, then before that was Candy.  Next will be Umbrella Academy s3.  

Oh and every day I play Wordle, Heardle, Moviedle, Posterdle and Framed :)

My weight has been all over the place the last few months.  I don’t know actual numbers because I haven’t stepped on a scale in literally forever.  I restarted a diet this past Monday but haven’t been super strict like I have been in the past.  I’m sure since I’m updating here again I’ll be start drifting towards that direction.  Just like with today’s outfit.  I literally only wear leggings and racerback tanks nowadays but apparently since I’m blogging again I felt like that wasn’t interesting enough to document so here we are, pairing a dress with leggings because there’s no way I’m not wearing leggings.  They’re just too damn comfortable and functional.  

We rarely get photos of the four of us so I’m so happy we thought to take one last night while we were enjoying front porch time!  Also, check out the little praying mantis friend I found climbing up our shutters!  This is nothing compared to the DEAD BEAVER I found on the side of the road my first week out here!  What kind of place did I move to!?  I had no idea beavers were so big!  

Oh, and Erp’s class saw a magic show today!!  So many fun things she’s being exposed to at school!  INCLUDING the NOT fun fact that I found a tiny BITE MARK on her arm.  Literal teeth marks in a tiny circle on her upper arm.  Kevin didn’t seem to think it was that big a deal.  He said if it happens again we’ll say something. But, like. I’m so bothered. Is she being bullied or picked on?  Did she defend herself when it happened?? She doesn’t seem upset at ALL by it.  I’m just surprised by the emotions that came up for ME by it.  Gah, I’m so self-centered. 

[losingitinjersey]

FYI - you can make posts non-rebloggable now!

OMG. What is this life!? Tumblr is actually allowing us to control our own content?! I remember when I desperately pleased to staff asking for help blocking reblogs and was told that sorry, not sorry, reblogging is Tumblr culture.

Thank you SO much for letting me know!!!

[losingitinjersey]

I can’t very well declare to be “back” without making blogging a priority again, can I?  So here I am for better or for worse with zero idea what my blog voice is anymore.  Please excuse this all over the map post while I remember how to do this again.  

A couple questions from my last post I wanted to address at large:

1) @lizloveslifexo “I believe you owe us a story about buying the house :)”

Yes!  Here’s the post from back in April right after our offer was accepted where I shared all the feelings!

2) @stackofpaperbacks “why did I think you were moving to PA instead of NJ or did I miss that post?”

You’re totally right!  We were absolutely planning on moving to PA since Kevin’s residency is in Philly but the offer that was accepted (after seven previous attempts in three months) happened to be in NJ.  Where we now live is about a 30 minute drive into Center City (which is apparently what the downtown section of Philadelphia is called) so while not super conveniently located, it’s definitely doable.  (She says not having to drive anywhere to get to work).  

My daily routine is: 

Wake up at 6 a.m., get Erp’s lunch and Aug’s bottles packed for the day.  Wake the girls up by 7:30 a.m. if they aren’t already awake.  Drop them off at daycare by 8:30 a.m. (ideally earlier if we can swing it).  Please note that this hour and a half is pure chaos with all the power struggles, tears and sometimes super sweet moments that can only come with trying to get two children dressed and fed and out the door by a specific time.  

THEN, if I’m lucky with timing, I’ll come home, throw on a hat and my ear pods and hit the road for a 40 minute 2-mile walk where I’ll get to listen to the Sandman.  Loving it SO MUCH.  I’ve been told to read the graphic novels for yeaarrsss but I’m just not a graphic novel person so I’m glad it’s now available in audio format.  Then shower and log into work by 9 a.m.  Throughout the day I’ll do other exciting things like make breakfast and do laundry and hopefully find some corner of the house to organize from the move.  I swear, I never get tired of working from home.  It’s my favorite way to work!  

Next week I’m off work and FULLY excited to do all the home projects!  Hopefully I’ll actually get my office organized (the least important of the rooms to put together) and put up all the pictures on walls!  Also, a trip to the DMV is planned to get a NJ license and plates.  WOoooo!  ALSO, perhaps a haircut??  I haven’t had a haircut since January 2020 (and before that it was two years since my last cut).  This was a few weeks after I had Erp, my first time entering out into the world again and I was actually dedicated to keeping up a trim schedule.  Then the pandemic shut everything down :)  So here we are.  We’ll see what happens!  

The fourth picture is giving me such rockstar vibes.  Can’t wait until Erp is a famous musician so she can use it as her album cover :)

[losingitinjersey]

HI!!!!!!!!  I’m here! I’m here!  I’m SO excited to get back into the groove of updating this precious space and catching up on all of your lives!!  

It’s been two months since my last update and in that time I packed up my entire house and moved to New Jersey!  The girls and I drove the 8 hours (was supposed to be 5 hours but traffic and children...) from Virginia to New Jersey on May 18th and have been settling into our new home ever since.  Save for half a week when I flew to California for a work event where I got to spend all the time with @nycnomad and had the absolute time of my life!  (first time flying in three years. such a trip!)

Kevin just moved up with us this past week since his program in VA wasn’t finished until the end of June so it’s been a long month of solo parenting and living.  Lest we not forget I was also doing all of this while working full time from home.  The girls started full time daycare the middle of June and it’s been SO great for all of us!  Erp and Aug are thriving, learning and socializing and I’m remembering what it’s like to have alone time again and it’s absolutely everything.  

Every waking moment has been spent either parenting, working or unpacking and organizing our lives into this new home of ours.  I’m officially obsessed with our new home which is SUCH a relief given the fact that we bought it sight unseen.  I’m so happy to have Kevin here with us now so we can all settle into a new routine together and relearn life as a family of four.  I’m so happy to be here :)

[losingitinjersey]

I just had the most brief interaction with another mom during daycare drop-off.

The daycare worker was complimenting Erp's tutu and I mentioned how she's now wearing it almost every day since I just let her wear what she wants, commenting, "Whatever gets her out the door." There was another mom in the lobby who repeated almost verbatim at the exact same time my comment agreeing that she also relates to the morning struggles.

I swear I almost teared up I was so starved for these tiny mutual IRL parenting experiences. Yes, I have you all (whom I love and adore and am so grateful for this space) and I'm now deep into watching parenting TikToks, but to have this brief real life interaction made my soul sing and ache in a way I didn't know I was craving.

I so hope to find and cultivate an in-person community (or just a freaking mom friend) once we move. I will make this so.

[losingitinjersey]

Helloooooooo!!  I swear I don’t mean to go a month between posts but good golly has my life been ridiculously busy.  I’m surviving, barely, but things are FINALLY seeming to fall into place!  Here’s a rundown while I will my child to continue to nap long enough for me to finish writing this post.  (bullet points because this represents how my brain is right now, all over the place)

Working full time with a baby at home is no joke busy.  

Yes, Erp is at daycare most days unless she’s home sick which she is often thanks to catching up on two years of germs.

Then, when she is home from school, working from home with two kids is a mess. 

If you recall, we’ve been house hunting and put in SEVEN offers over the last three months. 

Almost all of these offers have been at least $20-$50k over asking, waiving all inspections and contingencies.  

While I knew this process would be challenging, I had no idea how emotional it would be. 

Falling in love and being rejected over and over again.  

With each offer I’d submit a letter to go along with, so I would pour my heart out into why this is the home for us, only to have it not matter and feel personally rejected. 

Our seventh offer finally was accepted and we are now under contract! 

I originally included photos of the house in this post but then realized you could reverse image search them and find my new address :)  I promise to post ALL the pictures once we’re there!!!

How did we get this home?  Because my parents provided us the ability to offer cash in order to be more competitive.  

I HATE that we had to go this route but extremely grateful for the resources to be able to do so.  

It’s not like we didn’t try on our own, and probably could have managed eventually but we were quickly running out of time.  

We’ll be paying my parents back the same monthly amount we would have paid a bank, but this apparently was what was needed to secure a home in this insane market. (plus $20k over and no inspections. RIDICULOUS).

Having a two-year old is causing me such a mix of pure exhaustion, rage while also experiencing the most intense sweetness ever.  

Erp loves her sister with SUCH passion that she’s almost aggressive with her love.  Like, zero personal space, hugging her baby sister with every ounce of strength she has.  

I’m sure this is normal?  I don’t know kids.  

Now that we’re moving forward with a home, a new kind of work has begun.  But you better believe I’ve already made incredible headway. 

I’ve secured daycare spots for BOTH girls starting in June!  

What the heck am I going to do with myself with both girls at daycare?!  

Hopefully start to slow down, keep up on tumblr, have time to myself, go grocery shopping, work without distraction, get my hair cut for the first time in two years, leave the house alone if I want, go clothes shopping by myself, go to a coffee shop just to chill?!  WHATEVER I WANT!  I’M SO EXCITED!  

Am I sad and going to miss my babies? 100%.  

Is this the right thing for us, my mental health, their development and social skills? 100%

Speaking of social skills, Erp’s speech therapist said she’s doing SO well that she might be discharged from services and won’t need to continue when we move!  WHAT!? AMAZING! 

This past week I had the week off work so I’ve been able to get a ton accomplished and even rest a little bit. Not as much as I planned for since Erp was home sick Wednesday - Friday but at least I was able to be home with her while not worrying about missing work!

Speaking of work, it has been INCREDIBLY busy.  

I planned one in-person event in NYC last week for 13 people and have another in-person event in Florida next week for 22 people and might be planning an International in-person event for early summer.  Can I just please do my normal job and not all of this extra work??

The girls and I will move to our new home in the middle of May and Kevin will join us at the end of June when his current residency year finishes.

It’s going to be hard being apart for a month and a half, but this is such a better scenario than we originally planned when we thought we’d secure a house in early February.  

My parents and sister will be coming out to the new house to help me move since I didn’t want to have to manage both kids and directing movers by myself.  

I’ve been doing keto for the last month and a half but have only rarely weighed myself. (Who am I?!)

It’s been nice to not be SOO intensely focused on the minutiae of weight loss and just doing what I can to eat well and take walks when I can.  

I’m happy with how my clothes are fitting and will increase efforts when I’m able to emotionally handle more.  

Okay, I think that’s it for now.  I so look forward to being more present in this space again and appreciate your patience with me as I continue to pop in and out as I navigate this busy season of life.  

[losingitinjersey]

Bless daycare being open on a day I have off work. Dropped Erp off at 8am, went out to breakfast with Kevin and Aug, then have been lounging in bed the rest of the day. It's 4pm now.

Sure I did one load of laundry and cleaned up the kitchen from the morning when we got home from breakfast, but literally the rest of the day has been spent in bed scrolling TikTok.

I haven't had a day this relaxing since I was pregnant with Erp. Long live days off with childcare*.

Dinner will be some form of takeout/delivery because keto diet starts back up tomorrow. Kevin originally suggested steak and broccoli for dinner and I told him that wasn't allowed the day before a diet starts. So now I'm in charge of figuring out what to order 😁

*I hung out with Aug in bed during the first half of the day, then passed her off to Kevin for the rest of the time. Perfect!

[losingitinjersey]

I’ve always struggled with transitions and we are currently smack dab in the middle of yet another one.  Really, this whole year has been a transition as it’s literally called Kevin’s “Transitional Year” of residency.  

We’re still in Virginia just waiting until we can move to Pennsylvania.  We need to be there by the end of June and, as you know, we started putting offers in on houses.  We’ve now submitted three offers and are about to put in on a fourth.  

For the first house we went in at $10k over asking and it went to a buyer for $51k over asking and with all inspections waived. 

For the second house we went in at $30k over asking (with a $15k appraisal difference and $5k worth of damages found from inspections covered by us).  It went to a buyer for only $5k over asking ($25k LESS than we were offering) but with all inspections waived. 

For the third house we went in at asking (with a $15k appraisal difference, and $5k worth of damages found from inspections covered by us) and we should hear back by today on that one, though we’re not hopeful given our less than competitive offer. 

We didn’t go hard on this one due to the fact that it’s at the high end of our commute length preference and we didn’t expect the house to get appraised at asking let alone anything over. 

For the next house we believe we’ll be going in at $20k over asking with the same $15k appraisal difference and $5k inspection thing.  

I’m sure once we start getting desperate we’ll have to waive inspections but given that we don’t expect to see the house until after it’s ours, an inspection sure feels like the smart thing to do.  

Even though I’ve been eating like a complete jerk, I have made it a priority to get out for at least a brisk 30 minute walk every day.  Before this week I hadn’t made it out to walk much since my maternity leave ended on December 15th because I didn’t know how to fit it in.  Since I can never get enough sleep due to babies, I didn’t want to wake up at 5 a.m. to fit in a walk before work starts at 9 a.m.  I haven’t wanted to be away from my computer during the work day so I could be as responsive as possible and be the best employee I could be, despite fellow co-workers and manager telling me work/life balance needs to be a thing.  An after work walk feels impossible due to dinner time, bath time, bed time, then cleaning up from child destruction, leaving only an hour in my day where I can sit and watch a show before going to bed at a reasonable hour because, again, lack of sleep due to bebes.  

How have I managed to walk then? Rather than insisting upon my normal 5 mile, 1.5 hour walk (I have said MANY times that a walk isn’t worth it unless it’s 5 miles), I told myself that 30 minutes is okay.  It’s better than not walking at all.  I just need to get outside and get moving.  I found a quick loop and I’m making it happen.  Only one time so far have I gotten pinged by work and felt the need to rush back so I could reply to someone about a scheduling question.  Learning that I, too, can take a lunch break and get some sunshine and exercise has made a big difference.  

Though, despite this newfound dopamine, I’m still finding myself struggling.  I think it’s both because of this transition period where I’m constantly looking at homes and falling in love - planning out our entire lives in a house only to have it fall through.  But also because now that it seems like restrictions are lifting for covid, I’m seeing evidence of everyone getting together with friends, planning trips and living life.  For the past two years I was able to blame covid on not doing anything but now that that’s not as strong of an excuse anymore I feel extra stuck and lonely.  Even if I wanted to take a trip, I wouldn’t be able to do so due to my husband’s never-ending work schedule and my extreme lack of childcare with zero family/friend resources nearby.  All my friends with kids are on the other side of the country so I can’t even have mini playdates.  Sure, I could make friends here but we’ve had one foot out the door since moving here in April.  

I know this is just a season of life and what we get for pursuing Kevin’s medical education on the other side of the country.  I chose to have a life full of kids and I’m SO grateful I am even blessed enough to have one let alone two children, especially after all those bitter years of infertility.  Yet here I am still longing for what’s next.  I look forward to once we’ve moved to Philadelphia and get settled into a home we hopefully love.  Being only a 2.5 hour train ride to @nycnomad and a 3 hour drive to my sister’s house.  I hope that since we’ll be in PA for at least four years we’ll be able to settle in and actually make some friends.  I know what we’re experiencing isn’t forever but I’m so looking forward to Kevin having a more regular work schedule let alone when he’s an actual attending and gets 10+ weeks off a year. When our kids are older and have friends which make us friends.  I’m not saying I’m unhappy with where we’re at at all.  I absolutely adore my life and children and don’t want them to grow up at all, yet also can’t wait to be out of this currently super challenging two-year old phase.  

I’m just all over the place :) 

Some photo mentions:

Photo 4:  Erp found my tweezers and was helping me tweeze my chin hair :)

Photo 10:  This morning Erp and I put 10 pairs of socks on her :) She was quite proud of this and I’m hoping I didn’t encourage a behavior she’s going to now want to do every morning. 

Other life updates:

Finally moved Aug out of our bedroom and started sleep training.  Both awful and wonderful at the same time. 

I downloaded TikTok and am obsessed with all the cleaning and organizing videos which amazingly inspires me to continuously stay on top of deep cleaning my house.  Unexpected outcome of that app. 

Currently in the middle of watching Inventing Anna and loving it (no spoilers please, I’m avoiding all Googling).   Before this I watched The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window and Ozark season four, both of which I’d recommend!  

[losingitinjersey]

A few tidbits from our world as of late.

A perfect example of my husband’s ADD:  When he was totally stepping up last week with the kids, I picked Aug up out of the swing only to have the unusual sensation of being able to feel her butt really well.  Confused, I soon realized she was diaper-less!  My darling, distracted husband changed her diaper and neglected to put a new one on her - yet remembered to zip her onesie back up :) He will never live this down. 

Went on a family walk today, the day after a snow, to Trader Joe’s and picked up all the goodies.  Loved seeing Erp all bundled up, walking with her Dad while holding her bunny.  

We put an offer in on a house, $10k over asking, only to find out later that it went for $51k over asking with no inspections.  So that’s how it is?  Cool cool cool. 

When it’s far too quiet for too long and you discover your daughter experienced full exuberant joy with a Sharpie :) My first experience with The Pink Stuff has already proven itself more than worthy.  No evidence of marker remains. Can’t wait to attack the rest of the house with this stuff.  

Aug had her first solid food experience with sweet potatoes and applesauce.  Neither made it very far and were spit back out.  Will try again soon, this time when she’s actually hungry to see if that makes a difference.  

Today’s walk was my first time out for a walk since I started back at work on December 15th.  It was refreshing to get back outside.  It’s been a few weeks of not caring what I eat and indulging in deliciousness.  Leaning into food as a comfort.  It’s been a nice, strange time of not being focused on weight loss.  I’m sure I’ll get back to it here soon, but for now it’s an enjoyable change.  

Kevin has this coming week off.  Like, the entire week.  I’m SO excited to have him home. Not only to enjoy his company, but to also be able to work without worrying about taking care of Aug at the same time.  

Happy Sunday, friends :)

[losingitinjersey]

Last night Aug needed a bottle at 2:30am. No biggie. But then Erp started crying at 5:45am (lately she's been sleeping until past 7:30) so I went to go check on her, change her and attempted to put her back into her crib to sleep more. That was a hard no from her. So, I did the only thing my sleepy brain could think of that might get me a few more moments of shut-eye. I brought her upstairs into bed with me.

This is the first time I've ever attempted such a thing. The first 10 minutes were amazing. She laid there quietly with me and then softly started jabbering. I agreed with the things she said and tried to coax her to sleep while immensely enjoying this new experience feeling like a master parent and kicking myself for never trying this before.

Shortly after these thoughts she started to move around and eventually was climbing all over the bed, getting into everything on the headboard shelves, jumping up and down and eventually climbing off the bed and running around the room screaming in glee (all while her sister was trying to sleep in the pack-n-play).

Normally, I would have just gotten her up for the day when she woke up at 5:45am but we had an 8am virtual breakfast meeting with the OT which meant I needed to try and keep this girl from eating for over two hours. An insane goal, since she normally wants to eat IMMEDIATELY upon waking.

Through plenty of distraction and delaying (as evidenced by her digging into my makeup drawer and my putting her hair up), we amazingly were able to make it to 8am. The OT was two minutes late but you better believe I put her breakfast down for her 30 seconds after the clock showed 8am.

Thankfully we're now on our fourth day in a row of successful daycare childcare and it's making a world of a difference. Here's hoping they're not closed tomorrow due to the winter storm coming up on Friday, but even if they do - four days in a row feels like such a luxury nowadays.

And now, to enjoy the rest of the day on not enough sleep (like usual) :)

[losingitinjersey]

Almost four weeks.

Four weeks from my cat, Saki, acting totally normal to the day we had to put him down. My 15 year old, grumpy man, best friend furrever. No one loved him like I did because he never let anyone get close to him. He was a crotchety old grump but was the absolute sweetest to me (he tolerated Kevin and the girls well enough).

From the day I picked him out at Miller's Feed Store as a kitten in 2006 , he was all mine. We went through a lot of shit together over the last 15 years. 7 homes and a cross-country traveler with me. It's weird being home alone now. I never was alone when he was around. I didn't realize it until he was no longer here and his absence is deafening. There was always a little buddy waiting for me somewhere. I still think I see him sometimes, out of the corner of my eye. Or I think I'll hear him walking around the room, or feel him jump up onto the bed to cuddle and purr on my chest as I fall asleep. My love for him was so deep and so fierce.

When he was a few years old he befriended an old bra of mine. It became his security blanket. Every day for the rest of his life I'd find that raggedy old black bra somewhere new around the house and I'd smile, knowing he could be found with it clamped in his mouth as it dragged in-between his legs with him mewing all the while.

The day he passed, this past Thursday, I didn't know it would be my last day with him. Kevin had that day and Friday off so I was calling to schedule something for the weekend or next. But they said they could come over within two hours. Fuck. When they arrived at my house the vet assessed him and said he was in a lot of pain. That it was time. That helped. It helped knowing I was doing the right thing and that this wasn't something he was going to recover from. I'm grateful I got to hold him as he passed. I'm grateful he's no longer in pain. It was a beautiful way to say goodbye. I miss the fuck out of him. Constantly. There will never be another little angry buddy like him. My ferocious feline friend.

Besides being consumed in the fast/slow decline of my friend, Erp was home for 12 straight days due to a close encounter exposure at daycare. Plus working full time, and taking care of Aug of course. It's all been a lot. Amazingly, Kevin was able to get Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off work last week. He stepped up in such a huge way, allowing me to both focus on work and grieving.

On Saturday I cleaned for four hours straight. It was a fresh start that I desperately needed. As much as I'd trade anything for more time with a healthy Saki, I tried to find silver linings in vacuuming the stairs knowing they won't collect fur on them again. Scrubbing the urine soaked carpets knowing they wouldn't just get peed on again. Airing out the house and trying to start to relearn life without a tiny sidekick.

On top of all of this, we're in the process of starting to put in offers on homes in Philadelphia. Today my realtor did a video walkthrough with me on a home I fell in love with. It's still early so I don't think we'll go far above asking price (we're not desperate yet), but it's exciting to get our feet wet and start dreaming about what this next chapter will bring.

[losingitinjersey]

Wordle 219 6/6

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Such a freaking frustrating one. Took me all day of trying out words and walking away. Can't believe I pulled it off in the last guess.

[losingitinjersey]

There's a beautiful, messy intimacy that comes with your entire family being sick. Everyone feeling crappy but trying their best, used tissues scattered every which way and the room echoing with sneezes, coughing and nose blowing.

Erp's been in isolation since Thursday due to a close contact exposure at daycare and we've got 6 more days to go before we can even attempt a return. Thankfully Aug hasn't been hit with the sickness yet but Erp, Kevin and I sure have been. Kevin tested negative last night but we'll see how things progress as this week continues.

Thankfully, my work was closed today so I didn't have to balance work on top of being sick and taking care of a sick kid (and an infant). Tomorrow is another story. Hopefully a good night sleep (powered by NyQuil) can make tomorrow more manageable than today was.

[losingitinjersey]

Wordle 210 3/6

🟨🟨⬜⬜⬜

⬜⬜🟨🟩⬜

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

I have no idea what I'm doing. This is my first ever wordle. I have no clue what this score means or if it's good, yet here I am, super impressed with myself.

Before this first attempt I had to Google wtf is wordle and where do I play.

Actual update post coming soon, maybe. Hopefully.

[losingitinjersey]

December 2020 vs December 2021.  Craaaaazy the difference a year makes!  Here’s hoping Aug can catch up to Erp in the hair department here soon! Photo 1, 2, 3 = Erp at one year old Photo 4, 5 = Erp at two years old Photo 6 = Aug at 4 months old

We’re doing well over here.  Like, actually well.  Do you know how much of a difference sleep makes in my ability to handle life? SO MUCH of a difference!  The night before my mini-meltdown I barely got any sleep (thanks to husband, cat, baby and my brain) which catapulted everything else into tailspin territory.  Since then I’ve put sleep first and protected it at all costs. 

Tuesday was on hard mode. Both kids were home thanks to daycare closing (unnecessarily) for weather and it was my first day back (not technically but first day back after the holidays so mentally, yes) and I had four meetings to juggle. 

Wednesday Erp went to daycare (BLESS) and since I was down to just one kid I spent the ENTIRE DAY head down in work with five meetings and lots of time spent taking care of tasks. It was sosososo needed to help me feel like a productive member of the company again. 

Thursday (today!) was another Erp daycare day (I’d love to not specify this but I don’t feel like I can rely on them being open right now due to temperature checks, covid closures and random weather bs) but I only had three meetings (one with @nycnomad where we had to split it up into two blocks because we had SO much to say to one another) but I felt like I could actually breathe more and didn’t need to spend every moment frantically trying to catch up.   

Tomorrow I only have one meeting so it’s going to be even better!  All the ability to get caught up and have more of a work/life balance type day. 

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I haven’t done any official new years resolutions, nor do I plan to, but one thing I mentioned to Kevin a few weeks back is that I don’t want my constant dieting getting in the way of our making memories.  

A huge part of our relationship is built around food* and I feel like since I’m always so focused on eating keto and eating at home, I don’t want that to prevent experiences and moments together.  I will probably be dieting in some shape or form for the rest of my life and since there’s so little time (right now) we’re able to spend together due to our schedules, I don’t want to keep us from missing out on living life together in this way.  

So, I want to try somewhere new at least once a month if not every few weeks.  If I make sure to limit it to one meal, I don’t expect it to set me back too much.  If anything, hopefully it will make me double down on the rest of the time to make up for it.  We’ll find out!  It’s a worthwhile experiment!  (Weird that I’m looking to be less strict this year??!)

As such, when Kevin came home earlyish tonight (4:30 p.m.) I asked him if he wanted to go pick up Erp from daycare with me and then we could all swing by a Greek place we wanted to try and grab dinner to eat at home.  It was such a nice deviation from the norm and because of this, I ate the best baklava I’ve ever had.  So excited to start creating more moments like this!

*When we first started dating, we had a rule where we weren’t allowed to visit a restaurant twice.  We always had to try some place new until we’d hit every restaurant in town, THEN we could do repeats.  It was so fun :)

[losingitinjersey]

Thank you all SO much for your love and support on my last post.

I got a great night sleep (all things considered) and it made the world of a difference. I woke up feeling able to tackle the day and not nearly as defeated as last night. I'm chipping away at my work to-do list and being as present as able for both my daughters.

Praying that daycare will reopen tomorrow, but if not I'll continue to do what I can and try to let go of the rest.