Diary Of A Lost Girl

"And so being young and dipped in folly I fell in love with melancholy.”

[lost-poster]

[lost-poster]

7/19/20

Dear diary,

              While there has been some good parts of my life , right now I just feel empty; let me explain. The good things are soon we will be moving to a new house, one that my dad didn’t die in and one closer to family. I got a new job working with animals which I love. I have even been soul searching and trying to let go and deal with my inner demons as well as working out. But tonight I got a text from my friends asking me to go out with them and I realized I didn’t want to be their friend anymore. They didn’t do anything I just think about it and it is exhausting.  A part of me never felt like I fit in and I just don’t want to anymore. I just think I’m in a different part of my life. A big part of it is how they are changing their morals and goals for guys. I know I don’t let go of some people that easy but I would never go against my own beliefs and over look big red flags to be with someone. Then they talk to me about it and I tell them the truth and they get mad and defensive  and they say “ well no you just don’t understand when you’re in love you do this and this”. Like I haven’t been in love before ? and no that’s not love. You shouldn’t have to fight everyday to keep it. It should be easy in that it should fall into place and just happen you shouldn’t have to wonder if they love you, or if this is the right path. You should naturally want to be better for them not to get them. Love shouldn’t bring you heartbreak and pain especially in the beginning , it should bring warmth and joy. And part of me gets it for both of them they never had a bf before and so they don’t know. I remember my first few bf I was convinced I loved that and that I had to fight for them it wasn’t until A that I understood. You don’t know love until you’ve had it. Things with A were so different , I didn’t want to cut anymore , for the first time in along time I was happy. I didn’t have to fight for his attention and he was busy, he had school, work and then worked out at night but he always made time for me even if he was dead tired. I learned what love was and how to give it because of him. The truth is they never saw me in love before, they didn’t know me when I was with A the only person they heard about long term was D and that wasn’t love either. But they have to figure that out for themselves.

[lost-poster]

[lost-poster]

[lost-poster]

6/23/20

Dear diary,

Trying to rebuild after my dad’s passing has been hard but I feel like I’m doing okay. Aside from the anxiety I’m okay.  The thing that gets me angry and has me stressing out is my mom.  A few months before my dad died she had been talking to other men and , for lack of a better word, being a hoe.  I was mad my post about that was laced in hate and distain. After about a week or so of being mad I felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t keep living like that; I thought about going back to old habit but I refused to have scars because of her. Then something in me decided to go to a higher power. I know religion and God aren’t for everyone and I would never push my views on anyone but this what I believe and how I coped. I began to forgive my mom and I stayed true to that path for a few weeks and then slowly started to pull away. Then I caught my mom in yet another situation of infidelity, I was convince it was because I had pulled away from God. Not because he was punishing me but because he knew I would need him and wanted to keep close. So once again I turned to him and stay on that path until about few days before my dad died, and after he died I definitely went back and started trying to live more involved in God and I have to say that helped me a lot during the hard part. Then for reasons ill go into later I pulled away again from God. and ofc caught my mom in another “hoe” situation. This time though I didn’t take the high road, I had already forgave her twice I needed to be mad I needed to be a bitch, my dad hadn’t been gone that long and she was already moving on? Was she happy when my dad died? Relieved ? now she was free and could go out and do whatever. That how I took it and I took all of her tears and word about my dad as lies. At the funeral people were saying “ he was lucky to have a wife like m mom” and once that last incident happened I went back to those word and thought “ what a load of bullshit, she didn’t care about him”.          I stayed mad at her for awhile but then I realized how unfair I was being and slowly started to ease up but even now theres this pain in my tummy that just gets so mad at her. I try to be understanding but some nights I just want to get away and not have to understanding I want to be mad and hate her, I want to hurt her like she hurt me, but then I feel bad. Every time she is on her phone I freak out , one because its like her life depends on her phone, like she has to be  on it and I know part of that is cuz it reminds me of the times she was talking to other men but none the less it freaks me out and I get that panicky , anger in my stomach and I just want to get away from her. Logically I know it shouldn’t matter cuz my dads is gone but its like he just died hasn’t even been a year and I feel like she is going to find someone and I have to relive hearing her moan or catch her doing something and there’s nothing for me to do. Plus at times it seems like her phone is more important than me like now that my dad is gone her ties and responsibilities are done and part of me feel like once she moves on that will be it ill be irrelevant. So I want to pull back before that happens so I don’t have to be that hurt. Its like needing my mom cuz she is all I have know but also at times hating her so deeply and idk what I want or how to fix it. Honestly idk if it can be fixed there only so much a person can take before u have to just move on, idk It just feels so fucking overwhelming. She spends a lot of time out of the house and I get mad cuz im left here alone and I get lonely but also its like I can breath I don’t have to worry about having another incident but also my mind starts being paranoid like “ oh she out doing stuff with someone, that’s why she is out without u.” its just a constant push and pull and I hate it, idk what to do or how to move on I just want it over. It got so bad that about two weeks ago I just had to fucking cut cuz it was so overwhelming , my leg was covered in cuts , I just wanted a release , but that didn’t help. So idk here is where Im at .

[lost-poster]

4/19/20

Dear diary,

This is truly the hardest post I will ever write. This past month has been the hardest in my life. About a month ago my father passed away. It was sudden and traumatic. I’m not going to go into details of that night because I relive it enough. I put off writing this because I knew this would make it real. I spent most of this month in denial or like just ignoring it, but today I just couldn’t pretend anymore. There's many things that make me sad but I’m not someone who cries in front of people much, or cries at all for that matter. I remember that night once we were told he was gone I told my mom “ he won't see me graduate college” and then I said “whos going to walk me down the aisle when I get married”. But theres so many other things on a daily, like just our random talks about historical events, or him sending me tik toks or him just fucking being here. I miss him alot and there's nothing I can do to ease that feeling, I just have to push through. I desperately tried to stay distracted so I wouldn’t have to face it, but here I am crying and trying to accept it. I know I’m still going to bed sad for awhile and ill never stop missing him i just hope one day it gets easier.

​I have a strong belief in trying to find lessons in tragedies and the thing about death is that it makes think of your own mortality. Tomorrow isn't a given; we all like to think we'll be old and grey when we go but the truth is we don’t know. I spent too much time waiting to start living, waiting for myself to change but not putting in the work needed to change.So here I am, 22 with regrets because I spent all this time stuck and letting life pass me by. My dad taught me alot in his life but the biggest and greatest lesson came in his death. The lesson of just living. He had the odds stacked against him from the beginning and he worked to be better than what he was given. Even when he went blind he didn’t just stay stuck he worked and made something out of his situation, he even pushed others in similar situations to do the same. The greatest lesson my father ever taught me was even if life deals you a shitty hand you can fold or you can go all in and win.

[lost-poster]

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11/4/19

Dear diary

Let’s talk about fall. I feel like most people’s fav season is fall; and I am no exception. Like with most of my favorite things fall is a nostalgic time. There’s something about the slight chill , the sound of the leaves falling to the ground and the smell of the crisp air that takes me back. Takes me back to middle school walking my horse of a dog and not caring about anything in the world. It’s such a specific moment in time that I go back to all the time when the first sign of fall is here. I can see the street , the sweater I wore and the color of my dogs leash. I don’t know why it’s always that memory, there was nothing special about that memory but fall always brings me back to that time. Perhaps it’s because that dog, buddy and time represented a time of hope for me. Before we rescued buddy I had been is the worst time of my life. This is a time I don’t remember much from as I spent of that time riddled with anxiety and self harm. A truly my darkest and scariest time. My only Solace was the animal shelter. I was fortunate to live in a no kill city and there was something about being surround by dogs that eased my mind. And that’s when we got buddy. He was the biggest dog I ever had but ultimately the best. He wasn’t what we wanted or what we were looking for but it wasn’t up to us he chose us. I’m not going to say that my recovery from that time was all due to him because that would be a lie and unrealistic but I will say that he speeded up the process and helped a lot. There’s many reasons why I decided to go into conservation work and why I decided to open up my own animal shelter. In my darkest time that shelter was the only things that helped, and my dog was the only one who I let see me cry and who never left my side. Being able to give that to possibly give that comfort to someone is what keeps me going, I don’t need to be rich or have all these nice things if I can just save two lives, and shed some hope in this dark world I’ll be happy.

For many fall is the season of creepy and scary things , turkey and the promise of winter. For me fall was the time of brokenness and finding hope. It’s the time I found my calling and the time of year where everything is like breath of fresh air.

[lost-poster]

10/22/19

Dear diary ,

*please read, get mad with me*

So I had originally wrote about the fall weather and my dog, but sometimes the universe pushes you to other inspiration. Unfortunately this one isn’t fun and nice this is a real issue and it grinds my gears so much. My friend Jenny is working towards being a special education teacher, she is in her last semester of student teaching. She was telling about about her kids and the teachers and the overall lay of her new school. Now here is where it started to make me mad, she was telling about these two high functioning kiddos she has. These kids go back and forth between specials and general class. Their general teacher doesn’t like these two kids and doesn’t try to make it a secret. She scoffs , rolls her eyes and just treats them like they aren’t worth her time. This are just kids they are 9 and they are going into their specials class and telling my friend and their specials teacher “ it wasn’t a good day she just doesn’t like us.” Excuse me?! Umm no, that’s not okay. Oh! And get this their grade was going on a field trip and this shitty ass teacher “lost” their permission slip so they couldn’t go. Thank god for their specials teachers getting permission again so they could go. So now she is being rude and keeping them from learning? What the hell kind of teacher is that.

Now I know what you’re thinking special teacher should go to the principals, only guess what? She is on the generals teachers side. Wtf! Umm pretty sure your school Is getting money for these kids just like all the other kids if not more, they should be important just like the other kids. The principal’s reasons is that “ they get to do more stuff since they are in specials”. What kind of back wards, Dr. Mengele shit is that? Then because once again “ they get to do more stuff” cut the special education budget by 73% and took that money and out into the arts. She left the special education department with scraps, barley enough for anything. Literally I make more a month then she gave the special ed department for a year. I make triple digits a month.

When I heard this I was so mad. I’m not a kid person I’m an animals lover all the way but this injustice in this day and age? How is this fair? The kids don’t understand they don’t know why you don’t like them. They have it rough already why make their school life worst by buying mean to them? Yes they aren’t able to learn as fast as the other kids but they will never learn if you hinder their education in such a drastic way.

Ugh! This got me so heated and angry that I couldn’t let it go. This isn’t okay , and I understand schools have to make budgets cuts but when it is done simply because you want better arts and don’t feel that it is important for this population of student, that so old world and backwards that I can’t even beginning to justify you being a principle.

[lost-poster]

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10/2/19

Dear diary ,

So this is something I haven’t really talked about just cuz I’ve talked about with a lot of people already. Plus the story is long, complicated and stupid so I decided to just skip the background because that not why I’m here.

Back in early August one of my good friends decided to just unfriend our group of peeps. Which was a lot of misunderstanding and stupidity and honestly I was over it by the third day. So I kind of just pushed it away and felt nothing towards the whole situation. I was numb about, it just sucked that she just left without really tell us why and so I just left it and moved on. I let my anger kill off the sadness and grief.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. When met up with her and talked things out and I still felt mad and annoyed and just wanted to leave it alone. She was legit one of my friends I thought would never just bounce like that and I guess that why I was so mad about it. Basically that meeting was kind of waste but it got the door open I guess.

I am not so angry anymore and find myself missing our times just driving around jamming. I want to able to move on and get back there but idk if I can. Which is so fucking weird and hypocritical of me cuz I have literally forgave other for doing way worst. Aside from what she did she was awesome. She gave me a memory that meant more to me than anything, her taking me to the blink concert was the best night not because it was a free concert but because of what blink means to me. She took me to interviews, work, school, she was there for me. More so than other I let back in did. But aside from all there we understood each other more than my other friends even my best friends. Her life story and mine were so similar with our dark childhoods and the self harm it was crazy. I want to move past this and forget it.

[lost-poster]