Frustrated Poet

just a backburner

[lostambivert-blog]

I have long been restraining myself

from looking into your profile

As I don't want to know and figure out

any glimpse from your past life

But curiosity tempt me to do so

to fix this question and stop confusion to grow

As I scroll and navigate, my heart starts to ache

One glimpse tells a story, as I look at her and see me

I don't know her qualities, the way she speaks or she do her things

But one thing is for sure, I look at her and saw myself in a blink

As I understand that you only like me because we are somehow alike

The belief that you like me because of me already died

She's nicer I guess and that's one of the difference

She's also cuter, the way i see myself when i am younger

Do you think of her when you strokes my hair

or

Do you see her eyes in the dept of my stare

She's prettier and bare

and that makes me more sad

Maybe you just care

because I look slightly like the one you had

Is that how you like or how you love

you project her to me, am I right what the fuck

I look so dumb and naive

thinking we're real, and the love i seek

You're just confused and sees her to me

I don't know now how to make myself free

Free from insecurities arising from not being chosen

Free from doubts, of knowing that someone liked me just because the face they're looking at

Is the face of someone they truly love and seek

-lostambivert

#confusedlove, #projections

[lostambivert-blog]

It started with desks and shared work routine

Two friends finding something that grew in between

From simple gestures to intentional touches that is not so shy

The tension increases as the weeks drifted by

The soldier in me died as the muse did rise

I found a new softness behind my own eyes

I shut down my brain, let you choose, let you guide

Finding a rest that I'd long been denied

I'll make myself believe in the love that I feel

Whether you're mine or it's not even real

I'll enjoy every moment, the touch and the spark

Without fearing the quiet or fearing the dark

As I became disappointed and triggers the man in you

You take courage to kiss my cheeks out of the blue

In the corners of our secret world, there became an attempt

To seal my lips with yours in a slight mayhem

It all felt we're in the right recourse

Forgetting our reality with no remorse

You'd smell my hair and pat my head

Finding the words that I never quite said

But now you pull back and you whisper of 'eyes'

Using the crowd as a clever disguise

We held hands before when the meaning was thin

Now you fear who is watching the state that we're in

You're a gentleman to all, with a kindness so wide

It leaves me feeling foolish with nowhere to hide

So I've started to mirror the distance you shown

I'm pulling my hand back, I'm also lying low

I'll give what you offer, no more and no less

To let you feel the weight of this cold emptiness

I've found how to rest, I'm keeping the key

This softness belongs not to you, but to me

No longer expecting, no longer in pain

I'll match your own shadow while I wait for the rain

But despite the composure and mirroring the blue

One lingering question still ties me to you

I have no right to demand or to strife

But I just want to ask

"Who am I in your life?"

-lostambivert

[lostambivert-blog]

Anxious and depressed

From the depth of your caress

Feeling both warm and sadness

That maybe I'm just your temporary madness

I have been blind long before I met you

I forgot someone will love me this true

And it's hard to accept that it is real

Cause it was illusion that I always feel

-lostambivert

[lostambivert-blog]

The Sacred Rest

The world knows my fire, the strength of my stride,

The walls I’ve built up, the power I hide.

But with you, the commander lays down her sword,

In a kingdom of touch where you are the lord.

In the world that I rule

I forgot that I was once a bull

It starts in my palm, where your fingers trace rings,

A gentle reminder of the peace that it brings.

Then the slide of your thumb at the back of my arm,

A rhythm that soothes and keeps me from harm.

You tease with a pinch of my nose, a light play,

Chasing the weight of the morning away.

Then a pat on my head, a soft stroke through my hair,

I am cherished and safe in the depth of your care.

Your lips find the map of my face, bit by bit—

My cheeks and my eyes, where the soft shadows sit.

The arch of my eyebrows, my forehead, my crown,

Every kiss is a ribbon that ties my soul down.

You tuck back a strand that has fallen astray,

Then your hands find my waist in that slow, steady way.

A graze on my inner thigh, electric and deep,

Stirring the secrets that only we keep.

We interlock fingers, a bridge made of bone,

In this union of skin, I am never alone.

A soft, lingering kiss, then the heat of my neck,

Keeping my restless mind always in check.

But when the sun sets and the distance returns,

It’s for every look, every touch, that I yearn.

In the quiet of home, when the loneliness stings,

I wrap myself up in the ghost of your wings.

I imagine your hug, the steady, warm beat,

And the coldness of logic bows down to the heat.

We are first timers here, in this blurred, gray line,

Both coming from lives that were "healthy" and fine.

I ask if we should stop, if we should turn and run,

Before we are scorched by the light of this sun.

But you shake your head, with a look so divine,

Refusing to leave this heart that is mine.

You tell me you won’t go, you won’t pull away,

That in my presence, you’ve chosen to stay.

For you are a Godly man, steady and true,

Yet you’ve found a home that is entirely new.

Through the guilt and the noise, you finally confessed:

In this forbidden love, I am your rest. The alpha is gone; I am soft, I am small,

The princess who waited behind a high wall.

Finding my peace in the man I shouldn't keep,

Falling for you while the rest of the world is asleep.

Falling for you in every heartbeat

-lostambivert

[lostambivert-blog]

Never have I imagined, that I would write again

I thought from love, happiness is what we all gain

Loving and to be loved is a big of an irony

You try to give your all, but to yourself was left is pity

Thought my low self-esteem was started since then

But time pass by realization becomes to dwell

That all I have back then is love to myself

Self-esteem and Confidence is all I ever felt

Loving someone proves, that it was all soon be lost

And losing oneself is all it cost

I'm tired of begging, for an unrequited love

All I think about is to let go and give up

But i'm already binded, no chance of escape

Since it is my child is all I wanna save

Hoping for a complete, and happy family

Even it will cost my own insanity

I will just let myself continue to be lost

Pretending to be okay, is what i'm good the most

Hoping to be found and heal as time goes

Hoping it's me again i am gonna chose

-lostambivert

[lostambivert-blog]

I've always wonder how it feels to be inlove and be loved

Never have I imagined that this could be so painful...

I made myself believe that love is beautiful...

Now that i've felt how to be inlove and be loved..

I guess keeping the butterflies is truly a hard-earned job...

Never have I seen myself that i have this very little self-esteem...

Cause loving makes me insecure of all kind of things...

You know what's hard in loving??

It is about giving your all and not saving for yourself...

And when there's no other love left for yourself....

you start to feel lost wanting to be kept...

wanting to feel again but there's no one to help...

wanting to smile again but sadness is all that's left...

-lostambivert

[lostambivert-blog]

Why is it easier to write sad stories ?

[lostambivert-blog]

I don't know what to answer whenever someone asks me why I'm still single 'cause I'm also not sure why... I guess... it's not about having high standards nor not meeting what I have expected from them I guess... the problem is just really about me I guess... I'm just so afraid to be hurt or to feel embarrassed if ever I've made a mistake or have chose the wrong decision I guess... no one can't really take the kind of attitude I have nor the kind of life I live in I guess... it was really me who's the problem in here though... I am not regretful at all 'cause I don't want to change who I am just for someone to like me just for someone to accept me I don't want to be a beggar of love that's why I'm the kind of person who's hard to love I value myself too much to the extent that I don't want to take risk nor try to the extent that I'm not giving anyone the opportunity to love me.

[poems-and-words]

[poems-and-words]

Book of the day: All The Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr

Get the FREE Kindle Reading App

[lostambivert-blog]

I used to be alone yet I always want to be taking cared of by someone needy af yet i don't want to ask anything from others

[lostambivert-blog]

weird tho I'm not broken hearted or have a lovelife or someone who's special weird again My problem is myself

[lostambivert-blog]

I've been wandering in my dreams and fantasies with a different name different attitude different face and different emotion to escape to forget and to be alone.. ..again

[wnq-writers]

I like being alone and I am alone, but I don’t want to feel alone.

occlumans (via wnq-writers)

[lostambivert-blog]

4 am thoughts make me always a different person different from what others see I hate to think that I'm the one who always save someone the one who always understand everyone the one who's brave i hate that others see me as a strong person the one who's very independent the one who can manage doing something without the help of others I hate that I was born like this I hate it when I tend to be strong just to feed someone's view of me I hate it whenever I prevent myself from asking for someone's help even though I nearly can't do a thing, even though I hardly need it, even though i'm tired and even though i'm alone I hate to think that I can't admit to others that I need them I hate being strong I need someone I need someone to take care of me like the way I care for others I need someone to make me feel that i'm special I need a hero 'cause I can't save my own self from being like this I need it yet l don't wanna look weak I don't wanna look weak and that's what l hate the most about myself I hate everything about myself I guess no one will ever love me No one will ever understand the reason why am I like this No one will accept me No one No.... one.

[lostambivert-blog]

You tried to hide yet i'm not blind I can see the truth from those compelling eyes You never stop loving me 'cause you never love me since then They say prevention is better than cure but for me they are both lame suppressed feelings will 'cause you pain yet being risky will cause the same.

[lostambivert-blog]

Several things have changed from "Please don't go" to "I am ready to let you go" from "How are you" to "I don't care anymore" from "Do you ever felt like you miss me" to "It's okay if you don't" from "Are you trying to ignore me" to "It's okay if you do" from "I love you" to "I miss you" and from "How have you been" to "Who are you again"

[lostambivert-blog]

I have never asked anyone to pay back all the good things I’ve done for them. I just want to know and feel their appreciation ‘cause I know that by doing things for others will benefit not only those people but also myself. Myself, for feeling good whenever I've done something for someone without asking them to return the favor. By remembering those times when there’s no one there for me, I end up giving someone an opportunity to feel what it is like to be cared by someone ‘cause I don’t want them to feel that same feeling I’ve felt before.