The Story Never Ends

[lostatheart]

I can’t wait to be eighteen.

So I can smile at the cute girl in the grocery store without feeling like I’m committing a crime.

So I can speak freely of my opinion, and know that if I get kicked out, I could leave anytime I want anyway, so what does it matter?

So I can learn to love myself, because I’m sick of people telling me why I should hate myself.

[lostatheart]

It sucks having the guy I like, encouraging me to be with some other dude.

That shit hurts bro.

[lostatheart]

I think my biggest flex is being totally into women and being at my stepmom’s homophobic parents house on Mother’s Day (:(I’m a girl btw)

It’s a different kind of power because they have no clue.

I feel like a god

[lostatheart]

Yesterday, Valentine’s Day 2021, someone that I went to elementary school with killed himself. I found out this morning. And ever since I did I just keep hearing the word ‘death’.

I guess I never really noticed how much death is mentioned in my everyday life. I hear it in a joke that someone tells me, in TV shows that I’m watching, in my own head.

I don’t think I’ll ever really be able to think about death again without thinking about him. I wasn’t very close with him, but my brother was, and he wasn’t a bad person.

I never really thought about how much not wanting to be alive would effect other people, until I myself was effected.

Think before you act is what I’m saying I guess.

[lostatheart]

Something that makes me happy:

Normalizing non-binary roles in society. For example, I took an online writing course this semester, and at every turn or check point in the class I would always be asked to fill out a form. The question that always made me happy was this:

Please select your gender identity:

•Male

•Female

•Other

•Prefer Not to Say

It just made me think, ‘wow, this wouldn’t have even been an option ten years ago.’ This is a class where we were supported no matter what, and we weren’t judged. I actually cried later when I thought about it.

Even if I myself am not trans; non-binary; genderfluid; bi-gender etc. it still warms my heart to know that there are people who acknowledge and validate those who are.

[lostatheart]

Those people at parties who don’t want to be there and just silently cry in some secluded corner because they don’t feel like talking to no one or being around anyone and really they just want to go but they don’t know where because they don’t want to go home but they just want to go.

Those people are the strongest because even surrounded by happiness they felt alone yet they still tried to stand strong.

[lostatheart]

“I just want to feel like I matter to someone, is that so much to ask?”

Yes and no, the answer is blurred.

[failedtosendtryagain]

"I love how quick people are to see that my depression never stops, and that I cry about the same things. Because by that point they've decided not to worry when I say things like, I want to kill myself. Just because I haven't done it the first nine times doesn't mean that I won't the tenth."

[http-xxaxx]

Do you see the struggle

In my eyes

Do you see how I’m trapped

Inside of my mind

Do you see through my mask

Because it’s slowly cracking

Do you see my hidden tears

The ones I’ve been masking

Do you see my imperfections

The ones I try so hard to hide

Can you see my contemplation

When I think thoughts of suicide

Can you see that I’m trying

But it’s never enough

Can you see I’m a failure

Although I never give up

Do you see how my smile

Never reaches my eyes

Do you see how I’m just a girl

Hiding in disguise

You would never call me pretty

If you could see my scars

You’d never think I’m worth it

If you looked through my eyes

Can’t you see

All I am is a broken mess

Like a shattered mirror

You can never fix.

-Alex Bayes

[lostatheart]

When everything hits hardest is after I’m coming home. Like after I’ve spent the night at my friends house and I’ve had so much fun, and it’s so warm there and happy.

And then suddenly I’m home, lonely, cold, where everything comes crashing back because that house isn’t my home, and it’s not where I belong.

That’s when it hits hardest.

[lostatheart]

“I just want to be your friend”

Has to be the saddest sentence ever to exist, because you’ve sunk to the low point of admitting that you’re lonely and all you want is a friend.

Just one.

I just want to be your friend...

[lostatheart]

Love isn’t everything.

If you are just recently out of a relationship, and all you can seem to do is think about that one person, find something else to do.

Find a hobby that you like, uncover an old interest, go hang out with your friends. Do something that makes you happy.

Improve you.

It’s not replacing them, it’s finding something better than them-that something is yourself.

Find yourself and hold on tight, it’s a long bumpy ride.

[lostatheart]

Never be afraid to share your interests.

They make you who you are, they are a part of you. Some people may not like the things you like, but in the end when it comes to what you like, only your opinion matters.

Never let anyone else’s opinion sway your own, you are an individual, you are you, not them.

People will love you for that.

[lostatheart]

Self love is important. I know you feel like putting others before yourself, but once in a while:

take a break

slow down

breathe.

You’re a person too.

[lostatheart]

When you punish a child for their honesty, they begin to lie.

If your child has the courage to tell you something-listen. Don’t be mad, just listen.

Oh you drank? Your first question should be if they’re okay.

Oh you smoked? Your first question should be if they did it in a safe environment.

Oh you went out with your friends? Your first question should be if they had fun, and if anyone got hurt.

Never make a child feel like they’ve done something wrong for telling you the truth. Never yell at them because they chose to be honest with you.

Remember its a choice-because sometimes lying is easier.