Journal of a Lost Borderline

25 // old soul // artist + writer

[lostborderline]

9/16/22

I'm really worried about my cat Jynx right now. When he dies, I'm going to be a mess. He won't eat his canned food, dry food, treats, or anything. He's having trouble making it to the litterbox, or constantly going. He's hiding away and being lonely and hissing at his loved ones. I'm just really stressed about it right now cause I have had him for 15 years. He's a huge part of my life, and I'm hoping he pulls through this...

[lostborderline]

Some of us have to grow up sometimes, & so if I have to I'm gonna leave you behind

[lostborderline]

9/13/22

I just can't bring myself to write about what happened, maybe it's a response to the trauma, maybe I feel guilty. I don't know. All I know is the numbness hasn't gone away and I feel it's a good enough sign to just drink whatever and whenever I can to feel something. I'm sick of not being able to feel anything but disgust.

[lostborderline]

T R A U M A T R A U M A T R A U M A T R A U M A T R A U M A

Caucasian hands with those damned cerulean veins protruding from them will simply be the death of my vacant soul,

I am a tainted human specimen just begging to be validated 

Regret being the weight of the world, -- the universe, maybe

            Flowers that bloom between my dirty fingers only tells a story of life – and why it has to be so difficult. Magnolias, posies, daisies of varying vibrant colors create rivers of tears down my swollen, rosy face. 

Oh, how your rugged hands caressed my peachy, plump body only create disgust that lingers inside myself & how I cringe when I think of you. I’ve never felt so dead & the void behind my once colorful, hazel eyes only gets larger until it will one day consume my entire being, 

Emptiness clings to my soul much like salmon pink gum stuck under cafeteria tables during lunch time … 

trau·ma

/ˈtroumə,ˈtrômə/

 (noun)

A deeply distressing or disturbing experience 

The transformative experience of a man violating a woman leaves me with new insight, and perhaps a shell of a being 

The active soul has since darkened to a murky, blackish color 

A formal exit; 

The hollow feeling of dissociation leaves me with the deep desire to be buried six feet under 

Some days I feel exceptionally numb & I cry in attempt to feel something – just… something 

Gnawing at my cheeks in anxiety and uncomfortable situations has gotten particularly common  & in times such as these I simply drink the pain away  Pleasure no longer is pleasure 

Pleasure is torture and torture is numb 

Maybe I am already dead 

[lostborderline]

9/12/22 (update)

My eyes feel so heavy and they burn. I physically feel tired but my mind is racing with ten million thoughts. I should write poetry, since sadness and trauma inspire me the most. Sometimes when I post on here, I feel extremely vulnerable. Like somebody is actually reading my thoughts. It's whatever, dude. I need to finish my movie, so I think I'll do that, and write a couple thoughts down. I'm just in a very writing mood today.

Also, an update: I am not dead. I just committed to journaling more on paper instead of Tumblr cause it feels more organic to me, in a way. But also I like looking back at my very depressing posts haha. I am doing... hmm... well, but also not well. I am back at my job at the casino, and I have a new bestie, I'm married now, and like I also still have hella depressive symptoms and way more things to stress about but I'm trying to manage. :)

[lostborderline]

4/7/22

I am now tiring down, honestly, before I got home from work I had an energy drink. And then like before that I had a caramel macchiato... so I am pretty wired, well, was. Anyway. I want to get my life together, and it's just the motivation that gets me. Starting, I should say. I need to get back to doing schoolwork, I took a term off, and classes start back next month... Ugh I am nervous. So when I got home from work today I laid down for a second, and then I got dressed and went to the gym for about 40 minutes. That's pretty good for me actually. I was perfectly in my zone cause there was no one there but me!!!! Yay! I did back and biceps this morning. I am going to start going after work now, cause I definitely want to work out but just not where there's a lot of people. Anyway... I am going to probably go to sleep now.

[lostborderline]

3/25/22

Ughh oh my god it's 8 am, I woke up like 40 minutes ago and made breakfast, and coffee. Am I going to regret this since I only had like 2 hours of sleep? yes. I think I'm going to do something worthy with my time like stretch and meditate or some shit. I feel like that will make me tired and I can get like 2 more hours of sleep. I did all the dishes, and cleaned the floor, or will clean it more, cause I had to clean the mop first. There's just so much work around the house that needs to be done oh my gosh. I'm like trying to get out of my depressive phase.

[lostborderline]

Some photos I done took & edited :))

Also it’s me!!! And my fiancé!!

[lostborderline]

ideas

So like I have another blog and it's basically like a picture blog, one picture a day for 365 days. I've been thinking of starting that up again tbh, so if anyone is interested, it's Called notesofanobody. Besides that, school starts back up again January 10th, and I'm taking multicultural psychology so yea.

[linkinmoon]

Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

[alwaysbeenjessica]

11.29.2021

i am finally done with my fall semester and back home! i am so excited to be able to read and write again with no worries of school. hope you all have been doing well and good luck with finishing the semester! 🤎

[lostborderline]

1/5/22

So I'm stuck home due to having Covid, of course, I can't go back to work for another I don't know how many days I don't feel like counting. It's less than a week though. I have barely any symptoms anymore thankfully and that's probably thanks to the Mucinex I have been taking. I got a new car for Christmas which is pretty cool, I traded in my old one, Manson. My new car's name is Dahmer. Anyway, I am going to go do some kind of productive shit. Just wanted to post to update.

[cafai-deactivated20141130]

Drink too much coffee, wear lipstick that’s too dark, and never settle for a life you don’t want.

[lostborderline]

💕sticker alert!!💕

If you are a borderline individual like myself and you are not ashamed of what you are, why not show it and spread some awareness!!! Find me on Etsy or Instagram as @misguidedsoulsshop ✨ stickers are $2 a piece FREE shipping! And they are waterproof💕✨

[lostborderline]

I tried to kill myself

Bold title. I know. But it is true. Yesterday I tried to kill myself. Obviously I did not succeed. I wrote a suicide letter and I said my goodbyes, and I took two fistfuls of Benadryl.

The symptoms I experienced were scary.. my body felt super heavy, but I felt extremely lightheaded. my vision was blurry, and I felt like I was losing myself. I didn't sleep to make sure I did not die in my sleep. I was really really tired.

After the fact, I treated myself to some new shoes, and new stuff altogether. I spent a lot of money but I felt that I deserved it..

[lostborderline]

5/29/21

So I'm moving next month, the 15th. I'm super psyched about it. I took a term off of college so I could move easier and all that. I won't have internet for like the first day or so, idk. Anyway, I started practicing my French again. I'm about to complete the self care list I posted just now so that's on my list for the day.

[lostborderline]

2/28/21

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. So many life changes. Firstly, I got into another car accident back in January. I think I posted about it. Secondly, I did get my car back a few days ago. I'm so excited that I get to have my car back again. My college classes are doing fine. I just finished a five page paper for my psych class and a two page paper for literature class. Both were fairly easy but a little time consuming. I am super passionate about my psych paper. The term ends next Friday thankfully! Next classes are biology and poetry which I'm super psyched about. My relationship is doing absolutely wonderful. I'm also on new medication! I am seeing a new psychiatrist which is amazing! I'm taking Vraylar and Visteral right now which help my moods and anxiety and restlessness. I'm still taking propranolol for my heart. Last night I dreamt so vividly like I had such an uninterrupted sleep and REM lasted forever.

I just finished studying for chapter 11 for my Psychology exam next week. I'm going to review what is for next week and do some replies and then start on some self care after dinner. I'm not sure what I'm going to have for dinner, I'm not super hungry. I may just skip on dinner.