you can't judge me here.

Swim away from the night. I am swallowed by light. Suddenly, love doesn't seem very far.

[lostinbeinglost]

You're not as horrible as I expected.

It’s obvious you still care for her. You can’t hide it as much as I can’t hide how much I started to care about you. I know I’ve said it a thousand times before, but this is me saying goodbye. Goodbye to the summer I spent worrying about you, wasting time talking to you until the sun rose, and sharing our hopes and our fears. Goodbye to the summer that gave me hope in something that could’ve been and will never be.

I’m not bitter anymore and I’m not going to linger around, waiting for you to tell me where your heart is because I don’t want to search for it. I hope this time around she doesn’t take advantage of you and realizes how lucky she is to have you. I hope she appreciates you and the little things you do for her because I’d give anything to be the one you do those things for.

Lastly, I thank you. Thank you for showing me that I am capable of being loved and cared for. Thank you for showing me that I am beautiful inside and out. Even though it wasn’t your intention, you helped me discover a new side to myself I never realized existed. There’s a side to me that’s confident and independent and never did I think it was there until you came into my life. You’ve left me with a positive outlook on life and for that I am truly grateful.

Though these are all based on my assumptions, I don’t want to stick around to find out if I was right or not because I know you’ll choose her over me in the end and I understand that. So I before I get too attached, I’m saying my goodbyes now. It was an emotional summer, but a summer I will never forget.

[lostinbeinglost]

You're a stone cold imbecile.

Fuck you. I'm over being emotionally invested. You can't tell me I didn't try because I did. Thank you so much for reminding me why I fucking hate giving shit like this a chance in the first place. You suck and I'm always gonna be better off without you and better than you. Bye.

[lostinbeinglost]

Bed Peace.

This is the part where you drop everything and run. Fast. Because he isn’t even worth it.

[lostinbeinglost]

tbh I hate that you have a girl now and I hate how much I still care about you.

[lostinbeinglost]

[lostinbeinglost]

today, i felt beautiful.

[lostinbeinglost]

Pure, uncut sadness.

And maybe one day I'll look in the mirror And learn how to cope With the ugly creature Staring back at me

[lostinbeinglost]

[lostinbeinglost]

Miss Superficial(ity)

All I need want is a cute boy with tattoos who can dress well and hold up a conversation for hours with me. I want him to be street smart and book smart and care about something meaningful. I want someone who makes me feel alive and opens my eyes to the parts of the world I never bothered to look at before. I want him to satisfy me, both, mentally and physically.

But what I don’t want is him calling me his girlfriend and thinking we’re anything meaningful.

[lostinbeinglost]

[lostinbeinglost]

It's better to feel pain than nothing at all.

It's funny how much the past caught up with the present the past week. I've always thought of myself as someone who would be excited over the idea of someone reciprocating the feelings I had for them, but the truth came 1 year too late. I cared, I'll admit, but in the time that I had cared I grew to make myself believe that no matter how much I cared it wouldn't matter in the end. So I lost all ties to those feelings and when the end came, the feelings I once had were long gone.

They're deep beneath the sea of my regrets and now here I stand by the shoreline, waiting for them to wash up.

[lostinbeinglost]

Over analytical me

There are 5 important things I've realized about myself: 1. I rarely ever eat after 4PM 2. I love acting and theater classes and as much as I'd like to major in it, I like business and the idea of working in fashion even more 3. Everyone bores me and I can never find anyone new who will keep me entertained long enough for me to find then interesting 4. I'm a raging bitch with the temper of a 5 year old 5. I'm not afraid to sock a child in the face if it means they'll shut up and leave me alone

[lostinbeinglost]

Following society's rules

When I forget to eat or I don't eat at all, I feel better about myself. It hurts not to, especially when I wake up the next day and my stomach feels hollow and abused like someone punched it until they had no energy left. But it's okay. I just want to be beautiful.

[lostinbeinglost]

Black roses for my grey epitaph

Some people wake up everyday with the pleasure of being happy and not knowing the pain sadness brings into people's lives...people like me. I'm a child who's well off financially and I am blessed to have 3 meals a day, a car, and a roof over my head, but I still wake up every morning wishing it was my last. I wake up wondering if I should've just stayed in a permanent sleep, but what reason do I have to be entitled to ending my comfortable life? The truth to the matter is, I don't. I have no good reason to take away my life, but I want to. So much. I discovered the feeling of a blade skidding across my skin multiple times, like a violin bow against strings, it produces the most euphoric feeling in the world. It makes me feel like the pain I feel inside can be felt physically and that, maybe, if I kept going the pain would go away. But it lingers and becomes a scab, constantly reminding me of the grief I feel inside me. I mourn for the people like me who instantly turn to death and self mutilation as a reasonable solution. I mourn for the friends I'll never meet because of the fact they've taken their lives. But mostly, I mourn for the people who don't understand the pain we go through and how they'll be oblivious to this depression for the rest of their lives.

[lostinbeinglost]

Inconvenience

They say if you love something, set it free. Sometimes I wonder who originally said that and how stupid they must've felt after the words escaped their lips. When it comes to friends and family, I've learned it's not my forte. I'm too selfish and over analytical, it's no wonder they all grow tired of me. Maybe that's why I haven't been happy with myself because of how afraid I am to be myself around those people. They're constantly judging me, what I wear, the decisions I make. It becomes tiring and I wonder how long it'll be until I completely lose it and explode at every single one of them. So I've finally come to an agreement with myself. I'm going to ignore them all and live my life for myself. Their opinions, emotions, and actions no longer matter to me. If you love something, set it free. I'm not just referring to them when I say those words, I'm referring to myself. It was about damn time I started to feel free.

[lostinbeinglost]

Overrated & Underexposed

They tell me I'm nobody and I'll grow up to be nobody. I am not significant in this world nor would my soul matter if it was lost forever. I feel like I'm never there. People see me, but they choose to see right through me. They can sense the emotional baggage I have. They can sense I'm not worth their time, but I continue to follow them. I wear the things they consider 'cool', I speak the way they do, I adapt myself to fit in with everyone else. But I'm still here. I'm still an outsider. I just want someone to see me. Please look at me.

[lostinbeinglost]

Where I stood was where I was to be.

Everything seemed so much simpler as a child. No such thing as over analyzing people’s gestures or worrying about facing the real world unprepared. Life was nothing but a 4 letter word. All you knew, and all you cared to know, was that it was precious and should be treated as such. They never mentioned how horribly boring and upsetting I can be. They never warned me I’d feel as alone as I do now.