Lost in Quicksilver

vent blog. adult. this is my place to put down what i carry about OSDD, religious trauma, neglect, covert SA, mutism, etc.

[lostinquicksilver]

hi, you can call me kira

this is my vent blog about religious trauma, mutism, neglect, and various types of abuse (incl. covert SA and spiritual abuse.) you're welcome to interact if you have similar experiences (18+.)

i grew up in an independent fundamentalist church (creationist, biblical literalist, total depravity, apocalyptic, etc.) escaped during college. love to fellow apostates <3

i'm part of an OSDD (otherwise specified dissociative disorder) system. i'm the depressed one of our bunch. i remember stuff and carry all the emotional pain the others think they moved on from. i usually reference my other me's as "them, the rest, the others."

[resignedseraph]

which Awana team were you on/felt most connected to?

Red

Yellow

Green

Blue

Voting ended onMar 27

pls share thoughts on this in the notes, I’m very interested to hear others thoughts on this lol

[ferventlyviolentsecret]

If one more person tries to tell me it doesn’t make sense to have so many comorbidities I’m gonna reincarnate them into my family and see how stable they come out

[writing-is-a-martial-art]

Me, picking at my wound: ow

Wound: what did you think would happen?

Me: I don't know. I didn't know. I wanted to find out.

Wound: well, this is what happens. You hurt and my work is done a little less.

Me: what work? Bleeding?

Wound: no, not-bleeding. You seem to misunderstand. I am not the violence. The violence is no longer in the body. My job is to be a wound - so that you won't bleed out on me - and then a scar, so that you can go on with your doing. I am not smooth skin, sure, but I am not the violence.

Me, suspicious: but you come from the violence. I remember. Perhaps if I dig in a little I will find the thing, the secret thing to pull out to heal all at once and to not even have the memory of violence, which is what you are.

Wound: what you'll find inside is just tired old flesh. There is nothing here but you. Even I is you. That's why you are the one hurt when you pick at my scabs. I am not telling you anything you do not know.

Me: but the knowing doesn't help.

Wound: yes.

Me: I am still unhappy with having a wound as opposed to not having a wound, even though I know that isn't the choice in front of me.

Wound: yes. You will just have to wait.

Me: for you to heal?

Wound: maybe, if I am a wound that heals all the way. I do not know. Perhaps you have to wait for my work to be as done as it gets and for the itch to stop. The itch, at the very least, will subside with time.

Me: okay.

Me: that sucks but, okay.

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me, picking at my wound: ow

Wound: what did you think would happen?

[astriloquum]

[reneesociety]

[wumblr]

beautiful women named magenta cartridge low are trying to contact me on my printer

[astriloquum]

[semiplural]

Memory

Memory is weird.

[creekfiend]

it's weird that so few people seem to know that mormons largely run the troubled teen industry. ppl will imply that I'm religiously intolerant when I badmouth mormonism and it's like well. they child trafficked me. so. lol

[creekfiend]

it's why Utah has the worst youth rights laws in the country; bc the troubled child industry lobby fights all legislation designed to give kids more rights. it's a state-supported industry of child abuse run by the Mormon church 🤷

[phieuva]

"Original pic"

"Tell me about the fear of solitude, the fear of facing your own thoughts, and the fear of being consumed by others.". -phie-

[theshoesofatiredman]

"I sign off all my emails with 'undeserving of his grace'" awesome bro I just threw up in my mouth a little

[theshoesofatiredman]

The hatred and self loathing is served in thick heaping spoonfuls inside fundamentalist Christianity. You are not good. You are not worthy. You are dirty. You are dust. You do not deserved to be loved.

This thinking is poisonous and does such a tremendous amount of damage to the psyche. I went through this daily self flagellation as a Christian, because I genuinely believed it. I thought I was so lucky that someone as disgusting and sinful as me could be loved by God. The shame and guilt this produced in me compressed the lungs of my soul and I could barely breathe most days.

If humanity is so beautiful, so reflective of this transcendent image of god, why are we so unworthy of love? Why did our brokenness make us so undeserving of being put back together? The divine potter saw his sculpted clay shatter and he said his creation wasn't worth being saved? That it didn't deserve his grace? Are we to pity Jesus for dying for such disgusting creatures as us? Why do we have to hate ourselves to be loved by your god???

[lostinquicksilver]

I relate to this so much because I have a core memory of looking up "disgusting" in the thesaurus to find a stronger word for my journal entry about myself. the lower you are, the greater god's love is supposed to be. but if you're only great because of how small someone else is, how great are you really?

I literally believe ts is psychological torture at this point.

[orchardsys]

A comic about something that happened a while ago,, I still feel guilty in a way that I was there that day.

[prokopetz]

Team “not actually oblivious to flirting, just terrified of appearing presumptuous” represent.

[prokopetz]

“Yes, in the balance of consideration this person’s behaviour could certainly be interpreted as flirtatious, but it would be purest arrogance for me to just assume they actually meant what they said. I should gather more evidence. Forever.”

[orchardsys]

A comic I did about wishing I could just go to sleep and see everyone

[doviesangelwings]

i wish i could melt into seafoam

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

req'd by @silvertongue-records

we're rolling up our sleeves, 10k hours of sims style

text: Well it's not playing god if you take the task more seriously than he did