I'm a mediocre person. I thought I was good. I was mostly honest, I don't get drunk, I've never been violent, I don't steal, I make careful choices. I only lash out or yell when I'm being attacked first. I'm helpful. If someone needs something, I'm usually there. I was, anyway. Then I got burnt out and my disabilities kind of overtook my life.
I ended up costing people. I've lived off the government and goodwill of people. My mom didn't help me grow, but I had a place to live. I've had a lot of helping hands. I did what I could to help back. Genuinely, there's times where my disabilities get in the way of doing what I can, but there's also times where I'm too easy on myself.
I'm kind, loving, open, comforting, usually helpful, usually generous, encouraging, supportive, and nonjudgemental.
I'm also messy. I have too much black and white thinking, I see myself as a victim first and later reassess. I overthink and get obsessive. I get stuck on details. I'm headstrong. I act like a teenager outside of the home, honestly. I also compliment people too much, I think it's nice and brightens people's days, but I think it's time to keep my mouth shut. How can I be so mature and such a child all at once?
After last year, when I had psychosis or whatever happened, I've also been really bad. Like, I wasn't ever truly awful until I was homeless and kind of crazy. I'm still recovering. I really wronged people. It wasn't on purpose, I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, but I did. And, I did get mean to people who I thought knew better and were hurting me on purpose. That was the psychosis, but it showed me my shitty behavior.
I want a new life, but I have to keep going on with this one. I have to find the right path. I learned how to interact with the world through the Bible, movies, books, TV, and youtube. I never felt safe going out. I never felt worthy of friends. I spent my whole life hiding away feeling worthless, and then I broke and became awful.
I'm trying to be better. I don't know if I'm ever going to be good enough for anyone, not even myself. I thought God liked me, but maybe he was just showing me I suck. I'm never going to stop trying to improve, not for god, not for me, but mostly because it's the right way to go. Still, I fear I've been too destructive without awareness that there's no hope for me. It's sad. It's just sad.
I hope I do get a next life. I hope next time, I catch myself sooner. I hope I have more strength and less illnesses. With the way I've been in this one, I don't know I'll earn any better. I don't even know if I'll be allowed. Maybe this is all I get.
I'm stupid. I'm genuinely just, so completely incompetent and in my own way. I'm trying to get better, and I'm working hard. I want to be normal. Not normal in the sense of lacking fun and joy and unique qualities and quirks, but functional and able to socialize properly. Maybe one day.