Dead Inside

venting, journaling, and crying about my dark life | pitch black humor included

[lostmoonfragments]

Life with this has been going. Ups and downs.

IFS therapy gave me a system of personalities in my head to talk to or it's psychosis, or it's supernatural. I'm learning to live with it.

I'm trying hard to love God and Yeshua in the best way I can figure out how. Some of the entities hate me for it, some don't. I've forgiven all those who have hurt me and my knight fights the battles going round and round in my head.

It's difficult.

I had to drop out of EMT classes because of it. I haven't told my instructor yet, I'm afraid to. I have to return the books. I just wanted to help people. All my life I've wanted to be a source of love and positivity. At this point, though, I'm tapped out. I need a lot of recovering and wish I had a real hero of my own. I just have to move forward and do the best I can at any given moment. I'm trying so hard.

I love so much, truly. I'm dreaming of a softer world, a quiet life, and peace. No judgement. Freedom. Security. Love wins every time. I'd like everyone to make it there.

[lostmoonfragments]

I love my family, but I wish they actually took time to know me. People ask why I love them or call them family. They raised me, they love me. They are part of me. But, they aren't my home. My spiritual family is out their somewhere. Maybe someday we'll find each other.

[lostmoonfragments]

I'm trying to figure out what to do...

I think I love Jesus, right? The example that he set. He was kind of a political and religious activist, though. He was pro equality and anti cruelty.

The world is faster now and bigger. I'm not really doing well and have a lot of debt to pay off. As long as I'm alive, I need to keep making money and taking steps to assure survival.

But I care about poc and immigrants. I'm 2nd Gen as far as I was told. I can't afford to learn the skills I need for a white collar job. As a natural born citizen, though, I get free health coverage, food stamps, and housing aid. Immigrants pay taxes for my aid.

I called my family for help recently and they're like "I love you, but you're SOL sry." They call on me and I help in the ways I can. They've also been pretty hateful. I thought they changed. I have issues with the left and right and need friends in both parties to sort things out sometimes. But... I think it's time to distance myself from my family. I don't know if this is right and I'm afraid. I don't want to betray God, even though my family would betray me. Then again, when Jesus was asked why he wasn't with his family and instead sat with murderers and "undesirables", he said that they were his family now.

It's tough. I'm recovering from a lot, barely scraping by, and I need to take care of myself. I don't want to die a hero's death, I want a comfortable death from a place of security. This is not a time of security.

I need to find ways I can take a stand to help more. I actually don't want to throw my life away, I want to be happy. Do protests matter? What can I actually do to help? Do I starve? Stop buying coffee at the store and donate whatever I have? Do I fund religious organizations? Does protesting matter? I have a lot to think about.

I finally got accepted into ENT classes. It's a start. I have to do more. I'm not trying to throw my life away here, martyr myself, or go out in glory, but I want to figure out the right course of action.

I don't want to leave my family. I love them so much. This sucks. Is it the right step?

I wish I could just have a normal happy life with a decent man who would accept and care for me. I hate evil. I just really hate evil.

[lostmoonfragments]

I'm sorting through some things.

Weird stuff had been happening with the "psychosis" (it's totally supernatural idgaf what anyone says).

But also, I think some of it has to do with my bdd, gender identity, and sexuality issues. I spent a long time agonizing over what I am, and it definitely caused a mental breakdown.

For now, I'm just accepting who I am. I'm trying to be more positive and get back into a mindset of gratitude.

Being different in society is... a challenge. We love it, we take pride in it, we embrace it, but we also do face a lot of pain, opposition, and struggle over it. It can depend on where you are how bad it gets, but being a major outlier isn't usually easy.

I might make this into a dream journal overall with a little bit of "psychosis posting". I hope it will be okay.

Sorry to anyone who saw me breaking down and having ocd issues and it brought them down. Thanks.

[ai-dream]

[purplevibesss]

[psykopaths]

Bestfriend

By Artem Demura

[5hiny8laze2ombie]

anotherworldcore

[notdelusionalatall-deactivated2]

[lostmoonfragments]

So, I had my drama fit about my roommates. I need to be able to vent frustrations, but I'm going to remind myself it's not all so bad. Maybe this is autism thinking? I recognize people are good without hating them, but feel really hurt and it can magnify things; I seem dramatic.

1) She's really friendly. When I get home from work, she asks about my day, she asks what I did, and is just nice and curious. I'm antisocial. But, she's welcoming.

2) She offers to cook together a lot. It's nice. I hate doing this, but the social invite is super warm.

3) She always offers to share her food. We barely know each other and she shares whatever she can, and makes some for me. It's kind. I haven't been this giving these days. I was once.

4) She joins me in my yoga stuff sometimes. It can be nice to have a buddy.

5) The boyfriend is quiet usually, but nice. I had a friend over recently with tattoos and he opened up happily and talked comfortably for the first time.

6) She said she wishes I could smoke weed with them in a way that you could see she really wanted me to be included

7) She shows off her weed pieces and decorations excitedly. She's got a lot of joy in her

8) She's fashionable and cute. It's nice having other stylish friends! Just because I like to be able to talk fashion and my friends are mostly tomboy types

9) She does clean up after herself most of the time, at least in the kitchen. She wipes the counters. We're all disabled, so this can be a huge effort.

10) She treats people like family easily. This is something I used to do, but after trauma, I have trust issues. Seeing her be like this reminds me of goodness and hope.

11) She does try hard to be social with me. I'm still recovering from a lot, but she makes efforts. It's commendable.

12) She doesn't complain to me about moving the furniture or my blankets in the living room. I hear she complains to the landlords sometimes about me, but they're also meant to help mediate, so that's not underhanded or anything.

13) She's soft and gentle. Like me, she's been hurt a lot. I think we're both scared and need some protection. She's overall nice. I have to remember this, especially when something she does hurts me. We're similar.

[lostmoonfragments]

Today, I finally did something... decent.

Last year, I was homeless. It's hard to come out of that. But, this month, all my bills will be paid. I survive off of welfare and my part time job.

A lot of people actually helped me last year. Well, at least 10. That's a lot, right? I wasn't always a whiny crybaby purging my trauma. I actually had people who liked me for my personality. Some barely knew me and were nice, but maybe I was someone they actually liked? People donated their hard earned money to me.

So, today I did the bare minimum and paid a couple people some of what I could. I owe more, but I'm happy to finally return some debts. It was something I've always wanted to do, but wasn't sure when I would be able. I wanted to spend $13 on a fast food dinner. The money was better spent on the people who helped me.

I won't pretend this was entirely noble. Part of me does hope I'm tormented less in doing so, but I also know it's the right thing. I hope one day, I'll be able to pay everyone back and then some.

It's hard when you're in extreme poverty and you need a lot. But honestly, my basic needs are met for now, and I might as well do this while I can. These people didn't have to help me at all.

I hope they see the notification and get excited! Like omg! Random money I didn't expect? Yay! It'll be nice.

[obscurix]

*imagines myself dying in brutal, violent ways as a form of coping*

[obscurix]

i feel so left out. like everyone around me knows how to be a human and i don’t.

[eternallybpd]

when did i become a problem instead a person

[94sghosts]

the type of horny that can only be fixed by someone who is deeply in love with me

[lostmoonfragments]

I'm a mediocre person. I thought I was good. I was mostly honest, I don't get drunk, I've never been violent, I don't steal, I make careful choices. I only lash out or yell when I'm being attacked first. I'm helpful. If someone needs something, I'm usually there. I was, anyway. Then I got burnt out and my disabilities kind of overtook my life.

I ended up costing people. I've lived off the government and goodwill of people. My mom didn't help me grow, but I had a place to live. I've had a lot of helping hands. I did what I could to help back. Genuinely, there's times where my disabilities get in the way of doing what I can, but there's also times where I'm too easy on myself.

I'm kind, loving, open, comforting, usually helpful, usually generous, encouraging, supportive, and nonjudgemental.

I'm also messy. I have too much black and white thinking, I see myself as a victim first and later reassess. I overthink and get obsessive. I get stuck on details. I'm headstrong. I act like a teenager outside of the home, honestly. I also compliment people too much, I think it's nice and brightens people's days, but I think it's time to keep my mouth shut. How can I be so mature and such a child all at once?

After last year, when I had psychosis or whatever happened, I've also been really bad. Like, I wasn't ever truly awful until I was homeless and kind of crazy. I'm still recovering. I really wronged people. It wasn't on purpose, I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, but I did. And, I did get mean to people who I thought knew better and were hurting me on purpose. That was the psychosis, but it showed me my shitty behavior.

I want a new life, but I have to keep going on with this one. I have to find the right path. I learned how to interact with the world through the Bible, movies, books, TV, and youtube. I never felt safe going out. I never felt worthy of friends. I spent my whole life hiding away feeling worthless, and then I broke and became awful.

I'm trying to be better. I don't know if I'm ever going to be good enough for anyone, not even myself. I thought God liked me, but maybe he was just showing me I suck. I'm never going to stop trying to improve, not for god, not for me, but mostly because it's the right way to go. Still, I fear I've been too destructive without awareness that there's no hope for me. It's sad. It's just sad.

I hope I do get a next life. I hope next time, I catch myself sooner. I hope I have more strength and less illnesses. With the way I've been in this one, I don't know I'll earn any better. I don't even know if I'll be allowed. Maybe this is all I get.

I'm stupid. I'm genuinely just, so completely incompetent and in my own way. I'm trying to get better, and I'm working hard. I want to be normal. Not normal in the sense of lacking fun and joy and unique qualities and quirks, but functional and able to socialize properly. Maybe one day.

[lostmoonfragments]

Examining my wrongs...

There's definitely a few major mistakes I've made. Mistakes, wrongs, bad choices.

First, I could have gotten away from my mom sooner than I realized. I did choose using weed and keeping pointless belongings over it. My therapy clinic offered affordable housing and, had I gone there, I'd be in a much better place now. My family was crappy to me, but I chose the safety of what I knew and a drug over the unknown escape.

Second, I chose to go to art school instead of getting into Healthcare. It was dumb. I was young, I was exhausted, and I really did think I could be an animator. I can't.

Third, I can't keep my mouth shut. I always need the correct answer to be found. If I'm wrong, I'll change my opinion or behavior and correct myself. If they're wrong, I expect the same. I do get this from my mom, but it's time I let go and accept that justice and truth aren't my responsibility.

Fourth, I can't let people go. I need to stop reaching out, even if I was wronged. I just need to move on and let things be. I... don't know how to do this. I know it sounds simple, just don't reach out, just don't explain yourself... I'm obsessed with closure. The world doesn't offer closure, and people don't owe it to me.

Fifth, I did get a car that was out of my budget. My mom said I could stay with her until it was paid off and I trusted that. She forgets this, and I should have gotten something cheaper. It's not a fancy car, but it wasn't something I could afford.

I'm trying really hard to grow up. It's hard and I don't know how to teach myself. I'm trying. I'm in a weird place. I'm too old to not know these things, so I don't get grace. I'm also a mess. I don't know how to overcome what I've been through, and I've been really chaotic and destructive without trying to be. I'm working on it.