Lost Sixpence

always looking for something

[lostsixpence]

5 minutes after 'the announcement' and power goes out to just the room with our router & modem. Welcome to the new America. Not even our internet wants to deal with this outcome. Side note: I work from home. Without the internet I can't work. Yay for day off without pay. Currently in a panic attack

[lostsixpence]

Yesterday I was afraid to leave my house because of my crippling social anxiety. Tomorrow I'm afraid to leave my house because I don't want to see how broken we've become.

[lostsixpence]

my dreams have crumbled just a bit more

saying i feel gutted would be putting it mildly. 

i tried to be optimistic at new year’s. i had just quit a toxic job that was running me down and spent the first christmas with my family in 5 years. i had a new job i was focused on getting and a small resurgence of confidence that this could be the year that i really pull myself together and make positive changes.

four days in, i lost a cousin who had been battling an addiction with drugs. i had seen him 11 days prior. i gave him a hug and wished him well on his new job that was supposed to help him battle the addiction that complacent doctors had created just a couple years before. 

i had forgotten how close we were growing up. our mom’s are sisters & we’d regularly make a 6+ hour drive to spend a week with them, they’d fly out to visit us, or we’d spend the summer at our grandparents in nebraska with the rest of our cousins. 

his services were four months ago. i have outlived my cousin. 

the searing pain of his loss sneaks up on me every couple weeks or so now. but what makes it even more overwhelming is that it serves to remind me that only a year before, i was at such a low point in my anxiety, depression, and overall mental health, that i had begun making plans to take my own life. never acting on it, mainly because when i was low, i simply did not have the energy to do anything. 

since then, i started a new job. which should have been a big plus for the year, but the 60 hour weeks are beginning to run me down. it leaves little time for my freelance film work, two different independent film board membership responsibilities, non-profit volunteer leader responsibilities, and just life in general. last week i was getting 4-5 hrs of sleep a night, and still not getting everything done. 

i constantly feel like i’m screwing things up. it’s never helpful when people try to tell me that i don’t have it that bad, then try to tell me how their life is so much harder. not having as much time as you want for your creative endeavors does not trump the fact that for weeks on end, i have been stretched to thin by people like them, telling me that i ‘only have to give up an hour’ to whatever it is they want from me.

when friends aren’t telling me i’m not doing enough, then i’m painfully reminded that i’m just out of reach of my dream job. i was up for a design job for mtv before they decided to ‘go with someone that could do it full time’. fair enough, but it’s a sharp reminder that i’m not doing what i want to with my life. 

now to top things off, my dad has been diagnosed with breast cancer. 

any hope i had of finishing my degree feels like it’s now been completely taken away. my parents even said that i might have to take on the financial responsibility for my entire family. 

i’m not ready for that. 

i can’t remember the last time i didn’t feel completely crushed by the stress of my life... 

[berniesandersdaily]

Source: http://m.imgur.com/a/hB6kz

[eviltessmacher]

And he stood up for all of these positions years before Hillary did.

Actively fought for them in the face of conservitard obstruction.

Hillary changed to these positions after Bernie’s poll numbers started going up.

[lostsixpence]

i’m changing my blog

i’ve had a lot of time to myself lately, which hasn’t been good for me.

my mind begins spiraling because of my anxiety, which is only getting worse, and i can’t make it stop. i overthink and stress every tiny detail of everything i encounter each day, because if i plan for every possible outcome, then i should be able to handle it, right? i end up feeling extremely overwhelmed and end up using my ‘spoons’ up too fast. 

i can’t maintain relationships. something i’m just now realizing i don’t think i every really understood. i can’t leave my house alone, if i do, i end up with a stress headache from the anxiety and burn myself out fast. i can’t sleep because i’m anxious about waking up the next day, which leaves me always exhausted. it take days of preparation before i can place a phone call, email are almost never returned, and have become a trigger. ‘what new disaster waits for me today’ 

i feel like i’m faltering or failing at everything i do. expectations are set so high that they are unachievable, and even though i know that, my brain won’t accept it. i’m fully aware i’m operating on flawed logic, but there’s nothing i can do to change it, especially when i’m told on a regular basis of how i’m not good enough, what i do doesn’t matter, that i’m incompetent, the list goes on. and those are things that i encounter in face to face interactions, with my family. that’s not including interactions from any other family, friends, or anyone else. it seems i’m only here to please everyone else, act how they want or do what they want. i’m always wrong, they’re always right.

the psychological, emotional and physical pain are getting to be too much. after my cousin’s death recently, i confided in a few family members, but even still, i don’t feel that i have anyone to talk to. 

i feel like i’ve been slowly dying inside for a long time and only my mask is left. 

[lostsixpence]

Sesame Street: *adds autistic character*

Me: Oh boy, this could be ba-

Sesame Street: *character is a girl*

Me: Wait w-

Sesame Street: *works with ASAN instead of Autism Speaks

Me: I can't beli-

Sesame Street: *Makes videos highlighting children with autism, including nonverbal children and people of color*

Me: This is

Sesame Street: *has a whole website dedicated to reaching out to autistic children and their families*

Me: I'm not crying you're crying

[joshuascarlson]

Autumn in Arkansas 6 photographs from the Fall Collection

[thundergrove]

[stockphotosofviolinists]

Now…put it back together… ::heart attack::

[intel-i386-deactivated20160703]

Holy fuck look at this man child lmfao

Context: this is the guy who became CEO of a pharmaceutical company and promptly raised the price of a life saving AIDS medication from $13.50 to $750 per pill.

He’s basically been a huge piece of shit in the face of justified public backlash over this (basically playing the “lol I’m rich I don’t care about your criticisms” card). Even Donald Trump has panned this guy. He eventually promised to lower the price (he didn’t say how much), but this hasn’t happened yet.

Recently, he donated $2,700 to the Bernie Sanders campaign in order to buy a meeting with him (some sort of play for power). Sanders and his campaign manager were aware of the situation with this dude and “refused” to take his money. But instead of just giving it back, they donated it to an HIV clinic as an extra slap to the face.

Shkreli has been trying to play it off (also saying Sanders should have given it back instead of donating it), but judging by this latest tweet I just got in my email, he’s starting to crack :y

Sources: http://www.advocate.com/politics/2015/10/16/bernie-sanders-gives-martin-shkrelis-donation-hiv-clinic

https://mobile.twitter.com/MartinShkreli/status/655863780912574464

[k-wame]

[spitblaze]

[morkitten]

He then posted a picture of “his fracture” on twitter from punching a wall. Then someone did a reverse image search of it and found that he couldn’t even punch the wall or fracture himself, he decided to lie about it and just get the X-Ray photo from the internet.

It’s. Precious.

[just-shower-thoughts]

Slate.com says it would cost taxpayers about $77 billion to make College free in the U.S., and the F-35 jet program has cost $1.3 trillion and counting. So a single jet could have sent everyone in the U.S. to school for over 100 years.

[onlyblackgirl]

You didn’t think of this in the shower

[meowmeow-beenz-deactivated20160]

Does anyone else with anxiety get that thing where you just want everything to be quiet and when it’s not, you just get really agitated, and people’s voices just start driving you insane?

[eriebasin]

1915 Art Deco Filigree Engagement Ring

[softgrantaire-deactivated201806]

when the orchestra tunes and it makes The Noise™ and your heart goes !!!!!!!!! it’s show time!!!!

reblog if you agree

[mrplatypusblog]

[signalbeast]

“I bring word from the swamp prince, the old pacts shall be honored, muster your forces at first light…”

[loumargi]

“Konstantin Yakovlevich Kryzhitsky - Lake in the Mountains” “Konstantin Yakovlevich Kryzhitsky - Lake”

[thebestoftumbling]

the window washers favorite apartment