”Do one thing everyday that scares you.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
Today was spontaneous. Which is something I’ve never truly been great at, but today I accomplished a goal. I went to the San Genero Festival and I didn’t have a full blown break down.
For my new followers who don’t know me, I suffer from CPTSD, which normally makes crowds really challenging for me. I never really enjoy attending large format events because I get overwhelmed, claustrophobic, anxiety ridden, and I can have panic attack’s.
It was the first time, in a very long time, that I actually enjoyed something so crowded. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t free of disarray, but it could of been much worse that it was.
I went early afternoon with @l.a.sjogren and her mother, and hunted out a restaurant for lunch. Then we walked around for a bit, and the crowd got really thick all of a sudden, which instantly started to make me insanely anxious. It passed quickly and we escaped the heavier crowd, then we did some light shopping. The anxiety passed as the day went on...
However we had left before I got to get some Italian sweets, and I had my mind set on buying these gold oak earrings I was eyeing earlier that day. I went uptown, to see if some friends would join me, but no one was free tonight. So I made a decision, to push through and go alone to the festival again. Something I never do, because I’m always too scared, I’m gonna have a problems with someone or myself.
I nervously headed back downtown as the sun set, with the earrings as my mission, and turned up the Spice Girls blaring in my ears. As I began walking up the subway stairs, I was stunned. The crowds were much worse at dusk, and upon arrival, I felt the middle of my chest start to throb relentlessly. I was starting to have a panic attack, and I felt utterly hopeless that I’d come all this way to have to go home.
I stopped, brought myself over to the side, and focused on trying to stay calm. I counted down from 100 by three, and tried to remind myself how much I wanted those earrings, rather then send myself into a panic. I started to relax, then I pushed myself into the crowd. Bobbing and weaving through the masses. My temples and cheeks began to become soaked wet with sweat, as I maneuvered through the people. Passing by strollers, wooden barricades, and even some tattooed white police officers.
The festival was alive at night, a beast in its own authentic right, but I tried to concentrate on the goal. The smells of the food, the loud brazen conversations, and rattling music created a haze clouding my mind. I started seeing the little lights down the blocks, bead up and then star out with gleam. I was becoming overwhelmed...
And then, I came across something, that struck the very core of my soul. In the corner of my eye, across the street... Candied grapes. Little red orbs on skewers, all poking out of round foam bowls, with the other candied fruit. These were something I truly loved, as a child in NEPA, and not something that’s findable everyday for sale. They sold them at the Italian Festival in Scranton, Pa - every late summer.
I couldn’t help but think of the sweet memories my mind began to conjure. Times when my family wasn’t arguing, times when I just got to be a child, and times when I was happy. Too often happiness was something I used force myself to be, when I wasn’t really happy at all... but today, it cleared the thick haze in my mind, from blinding me of finding joy in the festival at all.
I admired the candied grapes, like a dog eyeing a chunk of fresh beef, savoring the very moment it would touch my lips. I waited at the counter, asked for the treat, exchanged cash with the old Italian man, and grasped one straight off the skewer before I could even snap a photo.
It crunched in my mouth, as the grape bursted open, flooding my tastebuds with tart juice. The now hollow sticky sweet strawberry flavored shell, cracking with each snap of my jaw. Oh what heaven! What sweet solitude! I teared up a little, and thought about how something so utterly simple, could bring me back to a place of such joy.
I stepped between two booths, and thought to myself, how I wouldn’t of even remembered that, if I didn’t come back to the festival on my own. I took some deep breathes, pulled out my phone, and changed the music to Cher. Her voice began to echo between my ears, and I started breathing a little easier. Time to find the earrings...
Along the walk to the earring booth, I rattled through a grilled corn on the cob, a pink lemonade, one oversized chicken spedi kebab, and some homemade zepolis. Belly at max capacity! And while my face was covered in powdered sugar, I saw the booth shining across the street. Finally, I had reached my destination, and I was still somewhat in one piece.
The booth owner, who’s curly grey hair was now tied up, instantly remembered me. I had joked with her while admirering her wares. She greeted me with a warm open smile, grabbed my hand, and asked me if I had enjoyed the festival today. I smiled and nodded, then expressed my interest in the gold oak earrings. She wrapped them up, and as I passed her the cash, she made note to tell me “she’d knew I’d be back.”
I kindly thanked her, then continued further into the crowds, heading towards the exit end of the festival. As I reached the end, with earrings and even an extra grape skewer, wrapped up in my freshly bought bag. I wondered how much of my life I’ve missed because of fear... and how much I’d given up, because of it.
Something that might not be fixed overnight, but something that I’ll keep working on changing for the rest of my life.
Our journey does not define us, but reminds us, of who we truly are. Don’t let fear taint your existence.
#writer #writersofinstagram #transexperience #m2f #trans #transgender #cptsd #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #onedayatatime #lessfearmorefun #creatingchange #vunerability #growth #survivor #myjourney #transtumblr #blog
