Alyssa Baglia

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart” ― Helen Keller

[loubagga0713]

How I’ve been feeling...

Lately, I have almost been at a loss for emotions. So much school work, sorority work, family drama, and relationship drama have been crowding my life. It feels like too much is going on to identify one thing, no one thing is affecting me. The first picture is a meme that I saw this week, that sums up what is going through my head. Too much is going on and I just feel empty about everything. To break it down: 

1) School- I have no idea what is going on with one of my classes. What makes it worse is that I am prone to depression, so when I started to feel discouraged about stats, I started to not have any drive to study or put in the extra work. It feels like I’m being tugged. I want to do what I need to do to pass the class, but I have absolutely no energy to. My bed attracts me to it, calling for me to lay in it instead of doing the work. Then I spend hours staring at the ceiling, not being able to do anything. So I just feel discouraged, helpless and scared about my classes.

2) Sorority- I finally got to the initiation week! I am very excited to be an official member of Gamma Phi Beta. I am excited, thrilled and happy. The slight downside is that there are all these mandatory meetings next week, before initiation. They are all at night and I don’t have a car, they also are hours long and it is a really busy week. I also am losing drive for this as well. Last week I did get my big, which was such a relief. I love her so much and I so excited to get to know her better.

3) Family- Sadly, the doctors are only expecting my grandma to be alive for a few more days. I don’t think I am going to see her before she passes. I am in Tampa with no car and no time. I honestly don’t know how I feel about all of this. I don’t deal well with death at all. But on the other hand, it feels like we have lost my grandmother already. She has been declining rapidly, she had been suffering with dementia. It hasn’t felt like I was seeing or talking with my actual grandma in over a year. I am very lost for emotions. I am happy that she's not going to suffer anymore and her soul can be at peace, but I am sad because I am losing my grandma.

4)Relationship- As I stated in my essay, I have been going through a lot of problems with loyalty and trust in my relationship. I am very hurt and conflicted about this. 

All of these emotions are combining together and causing me to feel empty. There is too much going on for me to feel any one emotion at a significant intensity for a significant period of time.

[loubagga0713]

How I’ve been feeling lately...

I have been feeling overall really relaxed lately. In class the discussions that we have about our emotions for the week, I have noticed that an overwhelming amount of the time, students are upset or stressed. And clearly as a college student I understand that. This last week I had two tests, one of which I was completely unprepared for until the day of the exam. But even with this stress I have been feeling a lot of bliss. I have stayed up cramming for the tests, and getting angry with myself for not starting to study sooner. Even through all of that I have been able to remind myself that it all will work out. I like to live by the quote, at least I try to live by the quote “Everything will be okay in the end; if it’s not okay, it’s not the end”. Something about the reassurance in this quote leads me to feeling happy, relaxed and calm. It reminds me that even through the normal human mess ups, that t’s not the end of the world. It is really easy as students and just people in general, to think that if you mess up on a quiz or an assignment that it’s going to ruin everything. But most of the time it doesn’t ruin anything. I have always thought I’m going to fail classes if I don’t do great, but I have never failed a class, ever. I always pull through. And that quote and mentality help me to feel understanding of myself and acceptance that I am just human and mess up, it’s okay to mess up every now and then. I have accepted that not understanding that being stressed about a test doesn’t mean I’m going to fail a class. Even if I do mess up and fail one class, failing does not mean I’m going to do nothing with my life, I can still achieve my dreams. The picture is from this weekend, I finished all of my work and decided not to stress. I pushed aside my school stress, which I normally do not do, and went to Halloween Horror Nights and had fun. I forgave myself for not spending that time doing homework and just relaxed and enjoyed being carefree. So to recap, I have been feeling relieved, happy, accepting of myself, understanding. And even though it is not an emotion, I have been feeling overwhelmingly human, and that’s okay to be.

[loubagga0713]

How I’ve been feeling lately...

I have been feeling really stressed. This last weekend I thought I was going home to relax. The trip started a little bumpy because I had to pick up my parents from the airport at 5 in the morning, drive them to Orlando and then drive another two hours to my boyfriends house. But when I got to his house it was bliss. I had previously done all of the homework that was due that weekend and we had plans to go on a bunch of dates. That day went off without a hitch. By that night I was so tired and annoyed with being awake that i slept like a baby. The next morning is when the bad stuff started to happen. I had to drive another hour up to my house. I got there late so I got yelled at. I felt unappreciated because I had come up and saw my parents and I felt that that was what they should focus on, not the fact that I slept in and was late only 40 minutes. But the day got way worse. I had to leave my house at 3 so I could make it back to Tampa in time for a meeting I had to go to for my sorority. I was off to another late start because my nieces did not want me to leave, but by the time I got on the road I had not eaten for the day, I was starved but I didn't have time to get food like my mom wanted me to. The drive started nice, I listened to a podcast, I was making good time so I was less stressed. Then when I turned on my cruise control, the lady in front of me decided to brake going 70mph, and she braked hard. I tried with all my power but I couldn’t get my car to stop in time. I hit her car. My airbag deployed in my face. Thankfully everyone was okay. Everyone expect my car, I got a ticket, I got a bruised nose and a hurt back, I got stuck without a car, and she got to drive off. Life felt very unfair at that moment, I understand that I should have had more space between our cars but she shouldn’t have nearly stopped on the middle of a highway. That was on Sunday, today is Tuesday. I feel very lucky right now, I am lucky that everyone was okay and lucky that the events can easily be fixed. I also feel terror. I keep reliving and experiencing guilt. Every time I close my eyes I can see my car hit hers, I can feel the panic I felt when I realized I wasn't going to brake in time. Every time my neck moves it hurts, and every time it hurts I remember the feeling of the airbag slapping me in the face. I feel lucky that I have been able to get rides from people to school and back home, but I also feel like a burden, I normally hate asking things from people. I also get scared and panicked every time I am in a car now. I feel stressed because of the insurance and dealing with everything and not knowing how long till my car can be fixed and dread that it will be fixed soon and I will be forced to drive soon. I am feeling a lot lately, but I should be focusing on how lucky that I got away with just being sore and bruised.

[loubagga0713]

How I’ve been feeling lately...

In this picture I am posing with my niece Monroe. I attached this because my nieces, as well as my whole family make me feel really good. This last weekend I got the chance to go home and spend time with my nieces, my mom, my dad, my sister and brother and their spouses. It’s almost like my family is a big group of friends. When I was younger I saw my family as just any other family, being forced to spend time with them was draining and always made me feel inadequate because I couldn’t live up to what they wanted me to be. But I have recently realized that those feelings of inadequacy were just my teenage brain not giving my family the credit they deserved. After I turned 18 and received a few of the privileges of being an adult and my family stopped trying to control me, I realized they were only trying to protect me all those years. Since then they have all become my best friends. I call my mom daily which makes me feel connected with her and never truly alone. College has been a scary and difficult time for me. I have faced a lot of struggles with being lonely and feeling like a disappointment. It is hard to not internalize these feelings and see them to be true. Going home this last weekend was a good reset. I got to spend time with people that make me smile and know the real me. They made me feel elated and confident in myself again. They also help me to realize that not everything is the end of the world, at the end of the day I still have an amazing family I can always turn to. 

So in short, I have been feeling relieved that I got to go home, the entire experience has made me feel joyful and at ease and confident in myself.

[loubagga0713]

How I’ve been feeling lately... 

The top two pictures are from December. I was feeling really sad one day and decided that I was going to take control of my life, well at least a part I could control, my hair. I bleached my hair, MYSELF, and over the next 4 months I decided to dye my hair pink, bright pink, fuchsia, blue and grey. Needless to say my hair is now dead. I had to dye my hair back brown before I went on my study abroad trip and the third picture shows me currently with very boring brown hair. When my hair was colored I felt proud, confident and liberated. It made me in control of an aspect of my life and made me stand out. that brought me so much joy. Since I colored my hair myself it wasn’t always the most beautiful color or the most healthy, but doing something fun filled me with excitement and made me feel giddy. Bringing it back to the present, I am craving that exhilaration again. I have been feeling disappointed with myself and irritated with my situation. School is an isolating experience for me and I know there is nothing I can change about that, I have to get an education and be away from my family and loved ones. I am joining a sorority and clubs and trying to change my feeling of being alone, but it’s not changing. If I can’t control how lonely I feel even when I am surrounded by people, I at least want to go back to controlling my own hair. Which is why I have been craving either cutting my hair, shaving my head or dying it again. I want to go back to this because I feel lonely and not in control of my own life, I crave the positive feelings that changing my hair gave me.

[loubagga0713]

I've been feeling...

With everything going on about the hurricane recently I’ve been overwhelmed and exhausted by the news. After I helped get family and friends evacuated from my home town, I felt a mix of relief and tremendous responsibility. My tiny apartment meant for just me and my cat now has two massive dogs, two people and a cat in it. It’s been hard to de-stress and stop worrying about everyone.

Earlier today was the first time I got to focus on myself and do things I needed. I got homework done, cleaned and cooked. Though those all sound melancholy, but I loved it. It got rid of things I had been meaning to do and helped to bring me a sense of relaxation and helped me to be proud of myself.

After I took care of the things I needed to do I felt happy with myself and my outlook on everything shifted. The dogs and my boyfriend weren’t a burden to be staying with me anymore. I got to lay down and be at peace. I was filled with love and got to be as peaceful as the dogs were sleeping, as pictured. I need to remind myself that any negative emotions I might be feeling could just be related to stress, as soon as I get my barrings I could be in a much different bracket of the emotion circle.

I am hoping that through this class I will be able to learn more words to express to others and myself when I am feeling overwhelmed and sad, that are more specific than those two.

[emotionshonorscollege]

Emotions I’ve been feeling lately…

This bunny I photographed doing yoga stretches reminded me that I need to stretch and breathe and connect to the earth and the moment. When I feel a little out of control or overwhelmed, like life is spinning and I have no time to rest or think or be, I recall these images, this moment, the bunny stretching, taking time out to care for itself, and find one small thing I can do to make myself feel less harried. Remaining in a persistent state of stress and turmoil leaves me feeling fried, burned out, exhausted, depleted. I have difficulty doing what I need to do and worse yet finding the energy to do pleasurable things when I let stress and my to-do list overwhelm me. 

Being in nature calms and soothes me. At the beach, I focus on the sound the water makes as it splashes and churns. I close my eyes and feel the sun warm on my skin. I open my eyes and watch the birds float, dip behind foamy waves or pace and skitter along the shoreline using their beaks to pierce the flat smooth sand in their search for sand gnats and coquina clams. 

I feel at peace when I am at the beach.