I am going to share with you a story
of Remus Lupin, Professional Beard
It started when he was in uni and Marlene McKinnon was crying because she didn’t want to go home for Christmas and be interrogated about why she didn’t have a boyfriend
(spoiler: it’s because she is Very Very Gay)
Remus is a very sympathetic and attentive listener
and maybe a little hard up for cash
so he just blurts out, “I’ll pretend to be your boyfriend for fifty quid and I’ll go home with you for Christmas and meet your parents and you have to feed me while I’m there.”
she stares at him for a solid ten seconds before bursting into tears again and hugging him
it’s a good thing they’re already best mates because there a hundred and one pictures of them together on each of their phones and various online places that they can use as evidence
“no mum he really is my boyfriend look at this picture where his lips are on my cheek”
“this was right before we started making out”
“his tongue was practically down my throat we’re seriously dating”
when they get back to school, Marlene pays him almost double what she promised because her parents are officially off her back and she is now free to go smooch cute girls whenever she wants to
(as an added perk, when she informs her parents a few months later that she and remus have had a very messy and painful break up, she’s able to use that excuse for years until she finally gets fed up and deliberately gets caught snogging her girlfriend of three years in her parents’ kitchen)
but anyways Remus is pleased with the money and Marls was very impressed by his acting abilities, so when her roommate Lily gripes that Potter the High King Arsehole keeps insisting that she’s single because she’s secretly waiting for him, Marlene recommends Remus
The fake relationship lasts longer, almost three months
Remus gets paid on a weekly basis
It’s lovely, Lily is a lovely person and they get along splendidly
Actually, it’s not just Potter that they manage to convince that they’re dating
eventually he gives up though, so Remus and Lily fake a mutual breakup
(it is an unending source of amusement for Remus that she ends up marrying James a few years later after all, and he never lets her hear the end of it)
but actually it’s a good thing that they did have that arrangement
because Lily was so impressed that she suggested he do this sort of thing more regularly
she sets him up a website, prints out business cards, works with him to figure out various rates for different services
date to a party, staged kissing/cuddling/hugging photos to show off to friends and family, going home on weekends or breaks to show off in person
He literally makes so much money that he only has to work part time after graduation
It makes having a relationship of his own a little difficult, but he survives and he has a ton of really close friends
then one day Lily, now his sort-of manager, says she has a special job
“family discount, you remember James’ friend Sirius? It’s for his cousin”
of course Remus remembers Sirius
Sirius Black is unforgettable and Remus hasn’t so much carried a torch for him as his has miserably dragged it around behind him
thank God the man travels a lot
he met him in passing a few times in college
and then of course at the wedding
he showed up in a blindingly yellow coat to match Lily’s bridesmaids’ dresses (and Remus’ tie, but that was unintentional and all the groomsmen had yellow ties anyways so it wasn’t like Sirius matched him on purpose even if it did make his stomach squirm a little bit)
but anyways, Nymphadora Tonks is really tired of her mother’s less than subtle hints that she needs to settle down, so she needs to give the appearance, for two weeks at least, that that is exactly what she’s doing
really she’s just aro as fuck and could care less but she knows her parents won’t understand
luckily, her second cousin’s best mate’s wife’s best mate exists and sirius said he’d foot half the bill
after all, he’ll be there for the two weeks, too
at least not until he’s in the car on the way there, working out a backstory with Nymphadora (”shut your fucking mouth, you call me Tonks or I’ll shove you out the window”)
and she says that they met through Sirius, James, and Lily
“Sirius knows, by the way, so don’t worry about him giving us away”
Sirius cannot give away anything because isn’t he in Vietnam right now connecting with his roots????????????
WHAT DO YOU MEAN SIRIUS IS BACK TO VISIT YOUR MOTHER FOR CHRISTMAS
he has never bailed on a client before though so even if the thought of seeing Sirius every day for two weeks terrifies him he will stay
at least until Tonks just casually mentions that the two of them will be sharing the guestroom
“because mum has some misguided notion that you and i will shag if left alone for two minutes”
remus has never jumped out of a moving vehicle before but he is seriously considering it now
too late though they’ve pulled up to the house
and there is a disgustingly familiar bike in the driveway
this is the end of life as he knows it
but he is a professional so he will handle this gracefully
and not blushing and stammering every time sirius fucking black walks in the room
or walks in the room, looks around, sees Remus, and THEN smiles because he is just reading too much into this he absolutely is oh fuck no
he sneaks into Tonks’ room at night to moan loudly and bang her bed against the wall for her parent’s benefit
(their rooms are at opposite ends of the house so he’s not actually sure they can hear them pretending to have sex, but it gives him an opportunity to talk to her without being overheard)
and generally what they talk about is “your cousin is really fucking hot and i died three separate times today”
“tonks he handed me a plate and our fingers didn’t touch but they almost did and I nearly cried”
“he pretended to have rabies while brushing his teeth and then started laughing so hard at himself that he choked and I had to pound on his back until he spat the toothpaste back up it was the most precious thing i’ve ever seen in my life”
“do you even know how perfect his abs are they’re really perfect and I sort of want to lick them”
Tonks just nods and pats his head comfortingly while she gets ready for bed
two weeks go by and remus has nearly gone insane
he was tempted several times to call lily and ask her to fake an emergency for him so he could leave early
but also he really likes tonks and wants to help
and he maybe wants to spend some more time with Sirius
it’s Christmas, after all
maybe he’s a little desperately praying for someone to leave mistletoe around
maybe the thought of mistletoe being left around makes him throw up a little bit in his mouth
well fortunately for him no mistletoe was left carelessly hanging in strategic points throughout the house
unfortunately for him, Nymphadora Tonks has magician’s fingers
which is why he doesn’t even notice her tucking a sprig of mistletoe behind his left ear
he definitely does notice when Sirius pulls it out
it’s just a little peck but remus is actually dead this time, no exaggeration, 100% no longer alive
he has transcended this plane of existence
he has become a being of light
he has been standing there for three and a half minutes saying and doing absolutely nothing until Tonks grabs his hands and drags him away
and says that she will come out to her parents once and for all if he’ll go back out there and tell Sirius how he feels
“by which i mean I’m coming out to my parents anyways because this was fun but way too much effort, but they’re gonna freak out so you need to distract them by making out with my mum’s cousin, capisce?”
and Remus is a very selfless person
he doesn’t want her family to be upset with her
thirty minutes later he and Sirius have hardly stopped making out and the Tonkses are all chatting happily about romantic and sexual orientations
Sirius decides that he’s connected with his roots enough and would like to examine the rest of the plant
he doesn’t fucking know Remus just did something with his tongue and he sort of lost the metaphor
but anyways it boils down to he’s gonna stick around for a while so he can date Remus and kiss him and hold his hand
he’s gotta thank Tonks later
