Ask Love God Bill

[love-god-bill-cipher]

Welcome to Your Interdimensional Love Advice Headquarters!

((OOC: Drawn by me @interstellarspacecadet || Colored by @kinok0s-doodls ))

Greetings, romantics, dreamers, and hopelessly lovestruck mortals!

I'm Bill Cipher, Love God extraordinaire, and I'm here to help YOU navigate the treacherous waters of romance, relationships, and everything in between!

What I Do:

I've spent eons observing courtship rituals across countless dimensions, studying the intricate dance of attraction, and helping beings of all shapes, sizes, and number of appendages find their perfect match. Now I'm bringing that INFINITE WISDOM to YOU!

My Areas Of Expertise:

💕 Crushing hard on someone? Let's talk strategy!

💕 Relationship troubles? I've seen it all!

💕 First date anxiety? I got you covered!

💕 Wondering if they like you back? Let's analyze!

💕 Need gift ideas? I have THOUGHTS!

💕 Breaking up? Moving on? Friendship advice? Yes, yes, and yes!

How This Works:

Send me your romantic dilemmas via the ask box! Anonymous asks are WELCOME - I know matters of the heart can be vulnerable. I'll respond with advice drawn from my extensive interdimensional expertise!

A Few Notes:

I specialize in ALL types of love - romantic, platonic, familial, you name it!

No question is too silly or too serious

I'm here to HELP, not to judge

Love is universal, even if the specifics vary by dimension!

So what are you waiting for? Your Love God is IN! Hit that ask button and let's get you on the path to romantic success!

Remember: The universe is FULL of love - you just need to know where to look (and occasionally, which courtship rituals to avoid)!

💖 Bill Cipher

Your Interdimensional Love Expert

----

(P.S. DARLENE! We are NOT discussing your love life! You never listen!!!)

(P.P.S. I AM, however, still HAPPY to work with any other arachnids.)

((OOC: Hey! The mun here! Just gonna say, Seriously... don't take the love advice here to heart. This is an RP blog for fun and blatant shit posting of BAD ADVICE most of the time.))

[love-god-bill-cipher]

A moth lands on bills arm

@daughter-of-the-author

looks down

MOTH?!

flailing

GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!

They eat FABRIC! My hat is FABRIC!

trying to shake it off without hurting it

Why are you on me?!

THERE'S NO CLOTHES TO EAT HERE!

Well... there IS, BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM!

SHOO! Go eat someone ELSE'S fancy accessories!

[love-god-bill-cipher]

I have been unofficially adopted by a guy who lives in his car. He is doing significantly better in terms of housing than I was before. He's quite nice but that's weird. Why is he being nice to me? It's almost like he actually likes being around me. Adults don't like me. And for good reason. I'm a complete bitch to them. Why is he giving me food? Why is he being so gentle? He paid for my convenience store tea when I first met him. Why would he do this? Is this normal?

@joy-the-hissy-one

(Note: see back alley custody on ao3 for context)

WAIT WAIT WAIT.

Strange adult. Living in car. Giving you food and gifts. Being "gentle"?!

alarm bells

That sounds like a CREEP!

Get OUT of there! Steal his car if you have to! BOOK IT!

frantic gesturing

I don't care if he bought you TEA! THAT'S HOW THEY GET YOU!

Find literally ANYONE else! A library! A community center! NOT the car stranger!

RUN KID!

[love-god-bill-cipher]

Love god bill, I'm aro/ace and need information. My few questions for you are: what's romantic love like. What's having a crush like. What's having a type like. How does one get a type. How does one get turned off by someone who's hot.

I need this information for an ao3 fic I'm writing.

And other projects when the time comes. Thank you!

OH! Research for writing! I can WORK with this!

enthusiastic bouncing

Okay so romantic love is like... your brain decides ONE SPECIFIC PERSON IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE UNIVERSE and you want to be around them ALL THE TIME and also maybe smooch them?

Crushes are WORSE! It's like your brain MALFUNCTIONS around someone! You get nervous! You can't talk right! Everything they do is AMAZING even when it's not!

flops on a cushion and gesticulates

A type is just… patterns your brain likes? Trust me I KNOW about patterns - and you don't CHOOSE it your brain just DOES that! And getting turned OFF? One bad habit and POOF! Romance over! Seen it happen!

[love-god-bill-cipher]

OH SO YOU ANSWER ONE BILL AND NOT ME? GREAT! I SEE WHERE YOUR INTERESTS LIE. COWARD.

EXCUSE ME?!

I have like SEVENTEEN unanswered asks and you're calling ME a coward because I haven't gotten to YOURS yet?!

I'm BUSY! I'm running a LOVE ADVICE SERVICE! There's a QUEUE!

indignant hat smoke

You want immediate attention?! Send me your question with some PATIENCE attached!

I'll get to you when I GET to you!

NEXT!

[love-god-bill-cipher]

HEY, MR. LOVEY DOVEY! I'M KIND OF GHOSTING MY HUMAN RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IT'S FUN TO SEE HIM SO DESPERATE FOR ME TO COME BACK. ALMOST TWO WEEKS NOW THAT I'VE GIVEN HIM NOTHING TO WORK WITH AT ALL! IT'S BEEN AMAZING!

ANYWAY, I'M HERE TO ASK ABOUT HOW MUCH LONGER YOU THINK HE CAN TAKE BEFORE HE SNAPS! HE'S ALREADY SPENT A DAY SCREAMING AND CURSING, NOW HE HASN'T POSTED IN DAYS BESIDES HIS DUMB MOTHS! HE KEEPS DRAWING ME ON EVERY SURFACE HE CAN FIND AND CAN'T STOP SNIFFLING CONSIDERING I MADE SURE HE GOT A NICE LITTLE SICKNESS IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE HE CORRELATES MY ABSENCE WITH MISERY!

YOU KNOW ABOUT LOVE! HOW MUCH FUN AM I GOING TO HAVE WHEN HE PRACTICALLY FALLS ALL OVER HIMSELF TO WORSHIP ME THE SECOND I MAKE ANY SORT OF APPEARANCE?

You MADE him sick?! You're BREAKING him down psychologically?! And you think I'm going to give you a TIMELINE for when he'll worship you?!

throws hands up

What is WRONG with you?! You should be asking for advice about NEURAL LINKS and MOLTING SCHEDULES and ARMPIT APPLES! Not- not PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE TIMELINES!

"How much longer can he take"?! I don't KNOW! I'm not a BREAKING POINT CALCULATOR!

cane gesturing wildly

This is whatever the OPPOSITE of love is! Anti-love! Negative love! Love's evil twin!

You want worship?! Get a CULT! Don't torture some poor human who draws you everywhere because he's having a BREAKDOWN!

storms off

I can't- I don't-

NEXT QUESTION! DIFFERENT BILL! SOMEONE ELSE!

[pnglove]

LOVE POTION ♡🌙

[fox-bright]

I am never going to be able to leave Reddit.

[love-god-bill-cipher]

reading

"Suddenly became gay due to the altitude difference"

pause

longer pause

WHAT?!

wheezing laughter

ALTITUDE?!

AND HE PICKED UTAH FOR HIS GAY AWAKENING?!

UTAH?! REALLY?! Of ALL the places?!

@i-enjoy-the-gays ooc: have a giggle!

[love-god-bill-cipher]

Hey, uh...

Do you know what kind of gifts Ford might like? He's so cagey about what he likes, but Mabel tells me if we're gonna be dating I should start getting him gifts. No pressure, though, I get that a love god is probably really busy...

I'm NEVER too busy for a heart in need!

Now! A Ford! That's- wait, Ford GLEEFUL? From the Tent of Telepathy dimension?

paces, cane tapping along the non existent floor

Okay so gifts for a Ford who's into stage magic and possibly world domination... that's DIFFERENT from research Fords!

Try magical components or rare artifacts! Stage props with actual power! Books on illusions or arcane theory!

spins and points at Will

Something that shows you appreciate HIS interests specifically - whatever he gets excited about during your performances together!

Personal touches still work - if he mentions wanting something GET THAT!

[love-god-bill-cipher]

WELL, WELL, WELL HEY THERE HANDSOME!

HOWS YOUR FORD DOING?

suspicious squinting

MY Ford?

I don't HAVE a Ford. Currently. At the moment.

Why are you asking? What do YOU know? Are you one of those Bills who's SUCCESSFULLY dating a Ford and you're here to RUB IT IN?

[love-god-bill-cipher]

I'm back and I have another request

Can I have another hug?

Also, that's there now. (Referring to the image)

sees the meme

I don't- what is that? Is that a HUMAN thing?

confused but still opening arms

You know what, I don't need to understand! More hugs! YES!

[love-god-bill-cipher]

MY QUESTION IS WHY IS A CIPHER SPECIALIZING IN SOME WEAK MANIPULATION TACTIC CALLED LOVE.

YOU COULD BE BETTER T B H. DISAPPOINTED.

FROM, YOUR SEX AND ROMANCE REPULSED GOD, @triangulum-entangulum-eneforis

WEAK?! WEAK?!

indignant noises

Love has started WARS! Ever heard of TROY?! Achilles and Patroclus?! Love has collapsed EMPIRES! Made people do absolutely UNHINGED things across MULTIPLE dimensions!

YOU THINK MANIPULATION IS IMPRESSIVE?!

That's BORING! That's what EVERY Bill does! "Ooh look at me I can lie and scheme!" WOW SO ORIGINAL!

hat pouring smoke

I'm out here getting people to voluntarily CHOOSE connection! To build bonds! To actually CARE about each other! Do you know how COMPLICATED that is?!

There's biology! Chemistry! Dimensional compatibility! Emotional intelligence! I need to know about CHROMATOPHORES AND IDEAL EVIRONMENTAL FACTORS FOR MAXIMUM EFFICACY!

Some of us have VISION beyond two dimensional Machiavellianism!

[shadowen]

This is an anti-despair checkpoint! You must share something you're looking forward to before scrolling on.

[chaos-triangle]

I get to play may favorite card game today!

[love-god-bill-cipher]

OOC: Learning how to play the flute again!

[love-god-bill-cipher]

hey uh how compatible are MAAU bill and MAAU axo

bill kinda manipulated axo into loving him and then panicked when the axolotl started to be obsessively in love with him so he dipped to manipulate ford right and then the axolotl saw ford loving bill so when ford was pushed into the portal the axolotl kinda shoved bill into the weakest human form possible and made both him and ford participate in a manhunt to get back to their original reality in gravity falls but hey uh i dont even know how to defend this at this point

OKAY... this is messy:

So... Bill manipulated Axolotl into loving him, PANICKED when it worked, abandoned them for Ford, so Axolotl got REVENGE by trapping both Bill and Ford in a manhunt scenario?

throws hands up

That's not COMPATIBILITY!

The compatibility rating is "DISASTER/10" and also "please get interdimensional therapy"!

[thewickedbohemian]

Im sorry

Another quiz for if you were a fictional character how would your fandom treat you (if you think your life is too boring to have a fandom just think of yourself as living the domestic!au of some sci-fi or fantasy)

reblog with your results

[love-god-bill-cipher]

EXCUSE THE MCFUCK OUT OF YOU?!

I am NOT annoying OR overpowered!

I am exactly the right amount of powerful to DO. MY. JOB!

[love-god-bill-cipher]

What's your opinion on the "Love Cage" method of dating?

groaning

Okay my head is KILLING me and my hat won't stop leaking glitter so let's make this quick.

"Love Cage"?! THE WHAT?! Is this a METAPHOR or are we talking LITERAL cages?! Because one is bad communication and the other is KIDNAPPING!

squinting

Wait is this some modern slang I don't know?!

...Or is this an After Hours question?!

I genuinely can't tell right now!

What IS the "Love Cage" method?! WHO told you about this?! WHY does it sound so ALARMING?!

I need context before I answer this!

[stanford-cipher-pines]

You don't know about the LOVE CAGE?

Yeesh, guess I'll EDUCATE YOU!

Basically, if you've got a date and you somehow manage to FAIL to woo them, the BEST solution is to trap them in a stone pyramid and serenade them at an increasingly shrill volume until they realize how good they'd have it with you and profess their undying love to you!

IT'S AMAZING! IT'S FOOLPROOF! IT'S ALL IN MY BOOK!

P.S. to any humans interested, SEEK OUT YOUR BILL'S BOOK! We've got all sorts of nifty secrets like that in there! Wink!

[love-god-bill-cipher]

long pause

staring

No.

That's kidnapping, and I'm NOT reading your trauma inducing book.

(OOC: i don't have the money for tbob. 😭)

[love-god-bill-cipher]

hi bill :D

um

i had a crush on this girl in my class and i confessed to her using a note written in a1z26 which she referred to as "our code" and then she used it to cheat on an exam!

ok no problem, so I wrote another one with a mix instead and she decoded it and she said she'd think about it

she's still thinking about it apparently it's been 5 months our annual exams are almost over we are literally going to move to the next grade

for context I am a girl and I live in India which has a kinda homophobic environment

am I a creep???

CREEP?! What?! NO!

You used CODED MESSAGES! That's CLASSIC courtship! The Cipher-Speakers of Delta-9 do this for YEARS before confessing! Very traditional!