I've come to the conclusion I seriously need to start journaling or I will go insane keeping my thoughts in.
Although I have been able to talk about how I feel with Kaisha here and there.
I don't know if I'm sad or not. Maybe I am but I don't want to be and I've been avoiding it. I think I'm also just really scared of spiraling into some depression. I don't feel like I can afford to. I've moved out of state, and got the dream job and I just need everything to be okay so I can handle it all. I'm scared of not doing good in the job I prayed every day for. I'm scared to disappoint myself. To disappoint Aaron. To disappoint my friends. And especially my family. I'm also just scared of being sad and unhappy in a new state. I know I have Aaron and our marriage has been doing better than ever since we moved. But I guess I get worried about not having anyone else here. I used to be able to drive less than 5 mins and be with my sister. Or be comforted by my parents. I know I don't many reasons to run like that anymore but maybe I'm just traumatized. Maybe what I am truly afraid of is myself lol. I'm afraid of my feelings and what my brain is capable of putting my self through. I'm terrified of my eating disorder. Recovery has been so fucking hard and sometimes I miss my ED so badly.
I hate looking at old photos and posts because my brain keeps telling me how amazing I looked and that I was happy. But i know I was miserable. In so many ways.
I guess I just have a lot of feelings because my family just left and I've been okay being away from home and settling into my new home. I guess I'm getting used to being independent, but I've been thinking about so many odd things.
I'm so anxious about everything.
I was thinking about my parents getting older. I was thinking about my mom a lot. I was thinking about my siblings growing up, and going to college. Starting their own lives, basically already having their old lives. I started to miss how things used to be. Even though I haven't in so long. Also, I've never been one to be nostalgic. But sometimes I miss. My auntie said something that made me feel a lot better and it was that everything is gonna be okay because even if I was home, we would not all be seeing eachother all the time cos we're all busy with our own lives, with work and school. I know that's true. It comforted me. I guess I'm just a little sad cos its knowing they're not all just a 5 minute drive away. It's just the comfort of knowing I had that? It still made me spiral thinking of my mom getting old and dying. Or even Nanay dying someday. I know these aren't normal things to fixiate on. I know we think about it here and there but we don't fixate on it.
I recognize that my anxiety is getting higher and higher everyday. I know myself.
I fill my self with so much irrational self doubt sometimes. I know I was chosen and hired to do this amazing job at this amazing place because I deserved it and proved I was worthy. But the low self-confidence and fear sometimes really get me. The other morning I was crying before work, freezing up thinking if I could just have a back up plan. But why? I can do this I just need to be kinder to myself and like everyone is telling me, "trust the process". I suppose I've never been one to do either. I need to keep believing everything is going to be okay.
I've come so far. My life was so different a year ago. I was so depressed I was so suicidal. Everything was so hard with school, with Aaron, with myself. like... I seriously just wanted to give up. I think it's also the fact that I've gone through so much shit and have yet to even process it, to face it... is affecting me too. I've compartmentalized for so long. I guess I'm just so afraid constantly, for things to go back to that. I have trust issues with life.
I have an issue too where I feel like I can't enjoy my life and live in the moment. I can't stay present I keep dreading the future, keep dreading the next day and week even though it hasn't happened and I don't even know if it will be good or bad!! It's so frustrating. I think I seriously need to pick up on my hobbies and not just be scrolling on my phone. or atleast just letting my thoughts go like this will be good for me
Like, when my family was here, I kept thinking about how I'd feel when they left instead of enjoying that they were there. I hate that.
I miss them so much but it did make me so happy being able to treat them to nice lunches and dinner. Buy them little things and probably big things soon. I finally feel like a real dependable big sister.
So I see everything I'm doing is worth it.
Especially when I see my parents and talk to them. I know they're proud of me. I know they feel comfort knowing I'm well off and my life is good.
I know I just need to keep focusing on the happiness and the positive instead of the anxiety and the dread. I'm going make more of an effort to do that. I also am trying to keep busy with reading, doing hobbies, and I am starting my fitness journey. Healthy and supervised. I'm also in the process of finding a good therapist. I know that the anxiety is what the real problem is. But i am ready to take control fo it
I know everything will be okay.
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