muscleroom & co
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❣ Chile in a Photography ❣

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Andulka
ojovivo

shark vs the universe
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
styofa doing anything
Show & Tell
will byers stan first human second
Stranger Things
dirt enthusiast
todays bird
YOU ARE THE REASON
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Peter Solarz

Love Begins

祝日 / Permanent Vacation
No title available

#extradirty
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@love-theysay
muscleroom & co
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look what they found!
Silencio
I've come to the conclusion I seriously need to start journaling or I will go insane keeping my thoughts in.
Although I have been able to talk about how I feel with Kaisha here and there.
I don't know if I'm sad or not. Maybe I am but I don't want to be and I've been avoiding it. I think I'm also just really scared of spiraling into some depression. I don't feel like I can afford to. I've moved out of state, and got the dream job and I just need everything to be okay so I can handle it all. I'm scared of not doing good in the job I prayed every day for. I'm scared to disappoint myself. To disappoint Aaron. To disappoint my friends. And especially my family. I'm also just scared of being sad and unhappy in a new state. I know I have Aaron and our marriage has been doing better than ever since we moved. But I guess I get worried about not having anyone else here. I used to be able to drive less than 5 mins and be with my sister. Or be comforted by my parents. I know I don't many reasons to run like that anymore but maybe I'm just traumatized. Maybe what I am truly afraid of is myself lol. I'm afraid of my feelings and what my brain is capable of putting my self through. I'm terrified of my eating disorder. Recovery has been so fucking hard and sometimes I miss my ED so badly.
I hate looking at old photos and posts because my brain keeps telling me how amazing I looked and that I was happy. But i know I was miserable. In so many ways.
I guess I just have a lot of feelings because my family just left and I've been okay being away from home and settling into my new home. I guess I'm getting used to being independent, but I've been thinking about so many odd things.
I'm so anxious about everything.
I was thinking about my parents getting older. I was thinking about my mom a lot. I was thinking about my siblings growing up, and going to college. Starting their own lives, basically already having their old lives. I started to miss how things used to be. Even though I haven't in so long. Also, I've never been one to be nostalgic. But sometimes I miss. My auntie said something that made me feel a lot better and it was that everything is gonna be okay because even if I was home, we would not all be seeing eachother all the time cos we're all busy with our own lives, with work and school. I know that's true. It comforted me. I guess I'm just a little sad cos its knowing they're not all just a 5 minute drive away. It's just the comfort of knowing I had that? It still made me spiral thinking of my mom getting old and dying. Or even Nanay dying someday. I know these aren't normal things to fixiate on. I know we think about it here and there but we don't fixate on it.
I recognize that my anxiety is getting higher and higher everyday. I know myself.
I fill my self with so much irrational self doubt sometimes. I know I was chosen and hired to do this amazing job at this amazing place because I deserved it and proved I was worthy. But the low self-confidence and fear sometimes really get me. The other morning I was crying before work, freezing up thinking if I could just have a back up plan. But why? I can do this I just need to be kinder to myself and like everyone is telling me, "trust the process". I suppose I've never been one to do either. I need to keep believing everything is going to be okay.
I've come so far. My life was so different a year ago. I was so depressed I was so suicidal. Everything was so hard with school, with Aaron, with myself. like... I seriously just wanted to give up. I think it's also the fact that I've gone through so much shit and have yet to even process it, to face it... is affecting me too. I've compartmentalized for so long. I guess I'm just so afraid constantly, for things to go back to that. I have trust issues with life.
I have an issue too where I feel like I can't enjoy my life and live in the moment. I can't stay present I keep dreading the future, keep dreading the next day and week even though it hasn't happened and I don't even know if it will be good or bad!! It's so frustrating. I think I seriously need to pick up on my hobbies and not just be scrolling on my phone. or atleast just letting my thoughts go like this will be good for me
Like, when my family was here, I kept thinking about how I'd feel when they left instead of enjoying that they were there. I hate that.
I miss them so much but it did make me so happy being able to treat them to nice lunches and dinner. Buy them little things and probably big things soon. I finally feel like a real dependable big sister.
So I see everything I'm doing is worth it.
Especially when I see my parents and talk to them. I know they're proud of me. I know they feel comfort knowing I'm well off and my life is good.
I know I just need to keep focusing on the happiness and the positive instead of the anxiety and the dread. I'm going make more of an effort to do that. I also am trying to keep busy with reading, doing hobbies, and I am starting my fitness journey. Healthy and supervised. I'm also in the process of finding a good therapist. I know that the anxiety is what the real problem is. But i am ready to take control fo it
I know everything will be okay.
1999 neocities layout by me, emotion : -) preview one + preview two pagedoll artwork credit
Yayayay! Here is a code that you can use for your Neocities! In case you are new to coding or just want the layout without the work... It's a simple layout inspired by old Geocities websites of course ^_^
You'll need to know at least a little bit about coding, but it's fairly simple and shouldn't demand much of you
This layout comes with:
A music player you can toggle on/off
A table with 6 links, give or take if needed
A pagedoll and sidebar icon
But of course, you can add or remove as you please as you customize it. Here is a post I made with some resources you can use while you work
Additionally, thanks to both @mirainikki and @cod for helping me with the music player ^_^
This is Money Marge. Reblog for a miracle of finances to come to you
🙏🏾💰💵
from twitter user deejaygeejaygee
it just gets better
and better
Excuse my nostalgia
Warheads have a pH rating of 1.3
Battery Acid has a rating of 1.
delicious though they are.
I remember when I was a kid my step-dad gave a Warhead to our pet dog just to see how she’d react. She immediately spat it out.
Dunkaroos are BACK in individual packets!
If you are in the USA, Check your local Dollar Tree!
If you international, get it HERE at 90sKid.com
I got mine from that website and currently reliving my childhood!
REBLOG TO SAVE A LIFE
The 7/11 I work at sells them
I’m 90% sure they nerfed warheads but they’re still around. If someone could find me some ouch bubblegum though I would be forever in their debt
Pink Bubble gum jug with the chalky dust for me please if we taking orders! 🙏🏼✋🏼👍🏼✌🏼🤟🏼
They don’t make Bubble Jug anymore, but Sneaky Stardust is the next best thing! got mine at THIS WEBSITE
I can’t remember anything without you.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Today I weighed my self. Something I’ve been avoiding for so long.
But I had to have a baseline of where I’m at and face it.
I plan to weigh everyday like before.
I can’t believe I’ve gained 15 lbs but give or take some of it has to be muscle and not just fat.
Starting over really sucks but I’ll just keep myself in cycle if I don’t fix my ED and my habits and mindset. I don’t want to cycle up and down. I just want to keep going and maintain
It’s really hard not to obsess over that number
It’s flashing and glaring in my mind
But at the end of it, it’s just a number
I think weighing my self and logging my daily weight again is another way for me to address and face everything instead of pretending everything is fine.
I need to see progress and set backs.
I’m sure a lot of it is water weight too.
It’s going to be okay.
I can’t believe it’s March. I feel like I haven’t even fully processed last March. Right when the pandemic and lock down started.
I never got to go back to campus and that makes me kinda sad. I feel like I looked better too physically and that triggers me too. I don’t wanna talk about it think about it but I think I should because suppressing it and pretending it didn’t happen is what I am trying to avoid.
Anyways it’s crazy a year ago I had my little brunch for my bridesmaids I chose a dress. I felt hopeful and good about my self. I just wanna feel ok and even good about my self. I need to take care of me.
I’m waiting patiently to have some coffee. I may wash my hair today. I haven’t been home and I think I should be. Logging stuff and acknowledging it feelings good since I’ve been letting days pass by and pretending everything is okay.
I’m going to try not to look at my ig memories in my stories unless I feel ok because I don’t wanna spiral and over think it.
I’m hoping for productivity today. I feel well rested. I am proud of my self for writing this instead of ignoring it.