Confessions of a Cassie of 10 Years.
(I hate computers. It just erased my long essay of my confession that i had written. I’m never using the keyboard shortcuts to italicize and bold my words)
It’s been a while since I posted something on tumblr. But I just had to speak my thoughts out to the world, and this is the best way to do so, in my personal opinion.
I dedicated all my childhood and my youth to dbsk (actually half of my life… if I think about it), and they were my everything, and my memories fall onto every song I listen to of dbsk. I grew watching, listening to them, where I reached the point where you ask me things about dbsk, I’ll be able to answer most of them, no matter how hard it may be. My best friend who just converted into cassie because of me, admitted that my love for dbsk is the biggest she has ever seen of a fan girl. I’m not saying my love is greatest of all, but I am just mentioning how much I loved them and still do.
But the past few years had been difficult, being the hardcore cassie that I am, and I know for sure I am not alone when I say this. I will go on more when I actually start my confession. That resulted in me looking elsewhere putting my love for dbsk aside a little bit. This is when all these boys group started to come out. I tried staying loyal, but… it was hard and I think I gave in at one point. But my love for dbsk was greatest of all.
Before I begin, let me point something out. This is a confession of me, expressing my own personal feelings and my opinions. Therefore, if you agree with them, then great. I’m not alone. You disagree with them, then go ahead. Everybody has their own personal opinions and I respect that. That being said, I’ll give you the option now to either read on, or just go back and keep on whatever you were doing.
I was only 10 and I had just moved to abroad from korea when they debuted. Until then, I was a bit old fashioned, and I had no interested in boy groups or anything. I loved music, but the music I listened were songs that kids my age wouldnt normally listen, or even know to begin with. But… DBSK was all it took to make this little girl without any interest of guys to open her eyes and be in love with 5 beautiful boys that became everything for years to come.
I mean, the lyrics and melody of HUG, and the beauty, I mention again, was all it took.
Yoochun, with that gorgeous smile.
Junsu, with that baby cute face.
Jaejoong, and his beautiful face that was prettier than any average girl.
Yunho, with that charm of his that was cute but also boyish in some ways.
Changmin, and that maknae cuteness he somewhat had.
All these different charms of dbsk opened my eyes, and the song and lyrics was enough to make a ten year old’s heart pound like hell. I mean, how can you not resist it? When 5 guys with beautiful harmony that was enough to be like the prince charming girls imagined at least once sang that they wanted to be always by you, and that they wanted to be your bed, and your cat. If the songs they released afterwards from the first album wasn’t that great then I would have stopped my fandom. But from the way you are to thanks to to Whatever They Say the perfectness of these boys were enough to continue on my love and my fandom. In every songs of the album had Junsu’s singing that added the beauty of the harmony, to Yoochun’s gorgeous low voice of rapping and narration that added a charm to the songs, to Jaejoong’s unique but pretty voice, to Yunho’s dancing to Changmin’s another singing skills that added on.
(Since this is my confession, I’ll be honest. When Triangle came, I was about to stop my fandom…. But I just survived with the other beautiful songs that was in the album)
But I was only 10. How was I supposed to buy albums when I wasn’t even in korea and had no money, no connections.
In between they had songs like Hiyaya, which was enough for me to start dreaming of my very unrealistic dream of going to bora bora island with these boys. Magic Castle? Oh, this is when they truly became Prince Charming to me in that white suit they dressed in the MV.
Soon after, they come back with the al bum that had one of the legendary song to fans, Rising Sun. I have to admit, I love this album personally, since this album has one of my favourite songs of dbsk. When they came back with Rising Sun, I somewhat knew that I was going to be in love with them for many years to come.
I recall, this is when I started my I-love-Yoochun-more-than-anything phase. Yoochun had that goldish brown/orange hair with white tail. I thought that he was the most beautiful man I ever saw. To make things even greater, he spoke English and he even had the perfect aegyo. Oh dear Lord, I remember thinking, save me from these irresistible charm of Yoochun.
But this was not all. Jaejoong. You and that black somewhat straight hair opened my eyes to what sexiness meant.
Junsu, you and your red highlights on your black hair… that was enough reason for me to have red streaks to my hair, which I did, against my mother’s strong will against it. Dancing you did in Rising Sun, what can I say. I thought Yunho was the best. But damn, I guess I was wrong. Your arm movement when you stretched your arms and how you flapped your shirt in the beginning of rising sun was enough to make me change my mind. I still can’t forget it. But at the same time, your cuteness reached to the max which was made me enough to scream along with Yoochun’s aegyo. The nickname Angel Xiah was true indeed.
Changmin and Yunho, your charisma was enough for me to know what manliness meant.
They were my definition of perfect guys with every charm men can have.
This is when I started searching for other moments of dbsk, since this is when they became more active, with All About DBSK DVD Season 1 to Xman. The charming moments they showed in the performances was completely gone. But in a good way. They were all so funny, charming and cute. That added fire to my fandom. Slowly, their information started storing in my head and still remains in me after long years.
I have mentioned that this had one of my favorite songs. I was still 11 back then and I still had no access to their songs other than the ones that was famously known, like Tonight and Rising Sun. But when I finally got all the albums in my hands and put all the songs in my old ipod (I remember, in my first ipod, I had only 100 something songs, and majority of them were dbsk songs), I listened to Beautiful Life, Unforgettable, One, and Always be there. They were one of the best songs I have ever heard and it still is. I still have butterflies in my stomach and my heart melts every time my ipod plays these songs. The choruses of One and Unforgettable made me cry in my heart. Beautiful Life…. Hah. I remember, after finding out that this music video was filmed in Jaeju Island, I dreamt of going to that place. And… After years of hoping, when I finally visited korea and Jaeju Island, I had asked my dad to take me to the hotel that they filmed the music video. When I did, my heart pounded madly. While I was there, the singer Rain had a show in the hotel but I didn’t care. I had stepped in to the lobby where they filmed part of the music video. Always be there, that snapping and the acapella harmony made me proud once more as a dbsk fan.
In between this is when they went to Japan, and my guys who were at their highest point had to go back to the very beginning when they debuted in Japan. Now, they are like legends even in Japan, and this makes me proud, for I know how hard they have worked to achieve that place. But I’m going to skip the Japanese albums, for I only know about them in small detail, except for songs like Sky and Bolero (I still love the harmony and live perf of Bolero. They are like one of the best ones, I admit.)
After that long wait, the third album came out. And Damn. This is when I went from Yoochunism to Junsuism. When this album came out I also I had received every album of dbsk and… since then new chapter of my fandom began. I would watch the All About DBSK DVD multiple times, especially the show clips and the camera of showing their dorm. Oh how can I forget the banjun dramas they had put in there. Being the harcore Yoochun fan that I was, I was proud that he was in it. The acting, I will not comment on it.
Anyways back to the album, this is when everybody changed. Especially Junsu. He lost that baby fat of his (or at least I called them baby fat) and he gained more charisma. But he still had that cuteness as well. This is when I knew that one man can be sexy, hot, charming but also cute all at the same time. This is when the love of Junsu rose inside me and it’s still there in my heart now. The shows they came on while doing this album, I still have them in my computer. I can never erase them. I mean, how can I? This song was the first song they had put the song Junsu has written, White Lie, and I for the first time I paid my attention to the whole lyrics for the first time ever in a song, and I thought that this song had such a sad lyrics and I teared up. Ever since then, I started paying attention to every single song to dbsk songs and other songs and fall in once more.
This is when my love for yunho rose at the same time. This takes me back to the incident. Yes, the incident of the anti-fan that made me cry and be in pain. The famous orange juice incident that made every fan be mad in every way they can be, but cry at the same time. Yunho, being the leader he is, he decided to forgive her. Yunho, when you did that, you made my heart melt at your kind heart and that personality you had. But still I haven’t forgiven that anti-fan.
Now, after this, that cursed long 1 year and 7 months wait came to be. That wait was painful. I kept my heart towards dbsk, watching the shows these guys were in, listening to all their songs. But, I have to admit, the wait was worth it. They came back with Mirotic which became one the legendary albums of DBSK history. Even people who had not been a fan of dbsk admitted the perfectness of the album, and this album’s every single song was to be kept and loved. Their sexiness reached to their max, and damn, my heart died. My sexual frustration rose for the first time. I cannot emphasize enough of how much I love this album. Especially Love in the Ice. My love for this song is so big I started naming every single account to love in the ice or some sort, even my tumblr url. My computer’s user name is still Love in the Ice, and it has been since the song came out. The harmony of the song makes me cry, or at least tear up. I grew the habit of stopping what I was doing whenever this song played and pay attention. Changmin, I love you even more for writing the lyrics to this song. DBSK at this point has become the legend, and I was proud as a fan who had been and seen everything from the very beginning.
The year of 2009, I still can’t forget that year for many reasons.
First of all, Summer of this year, I had visited in Korea, and this visit became special just because of this one fine day of August. I was shopping around with my friends when we came across this huge crowd in the entrance. When we joined in, I found out a famous star was there, but I couldn’t tell whom it was because of this big crowd. But when I stepped in closer, I found out that celebrity was Yunho and I couldn’t believe my eyes. The man who was one of my 5 Prince Charming stood before my eyes, so close that if I had just stepped a little bit closer, I’d be able to reach him.
2nd reason. I am pretty sure I am not the only one when I say when I thought my world ended when I had heard of the news of dbsk. The news that I refused to believe. Three members of dbsk had sued against their entertainment.
And now. The time has come. This is where my true confession begins.
My world ended and I didn’t know what to believe. I had known how dbsk had feelings of unfairness against SM, or at least the fans knew of it. I knew that their contract had consisted of 13 years, and when I first heard of it during the third album or so, I thought it was really unfair. But… I didn’t know that they would sue against SM. My first thought, I was siding with the three, who is now JYJ. But then, it came to me, what about the other 2? The leader and the maknae? I was confused. The reality was that they were going to break up and I refused to believe the reality. I held on to the last hope of dbsk still being the 5. No matter what other people said, I was one of those people who held onto that small hope dbsk will forever be 5.
But that hope was broken when the 3 officially left SM, and became JYJ. I was confused. But having that hardcore love I had for Junsu and Yoochun, my heart automatically went towards JYJ and I thought myself as JYJ’s side. The world seemed to be against them though, SM not allowing JYJ to sing DBSK songs and not allowing them to come on shows. Deep inside me, I still had the love and hope for dbsk as 5.
But… then I saw the guru show that HoMin was in. The things they had said made me turn against them for a while. I am not going to mention everything they had said, but it kills me how they expressed themselves as the victim to this situation, expressing to gain sympathy on their side. I am not saying that JYJ is the victim either. Yunho had mentioned how he only found out of the news of the law suit through internet, but… I’m sorry, Yunho. I just simply cannot believe that. Whoever had kept watching the coupletalk of dbsk in All About DBSK season 2 and season 3, I am pretty sure they have found the difference in the two, especially the one with YunJae talk. Fans of dbsk, who had observed them in great detail in the past and know all the memebers of personality will recognize the awkward atmosphere that there was in season three couple talk in comparison to one in season 2. The filming of couple talk three happened when the three members were preparing the lawsuit. But despite this, the leader tells the world how he hadn’t known till September of the year, when the press had released the news. To be honest, because of this evidence, I have hard time believing that he had not known.
Obviously, me not being present to whatever happened, I don’t know what was true and what the lie was. I will admit that what JYJ did was wrong in sense of HoMin’s side. I do admit that in some perspective JYJ is the one who is the traitor. My point is that no one is the victim to this situation. With that being said, it still kills me to see how cassie that had the biggest fandom turned against each other and started hating each other. We can be biased to the side we prefer and like. But cassies, why do we hate each other so much now? We all used to be together, as one. Like which ever side as you want, have your opinions, but its so sad to see us cassies turning against like this.
Yes, for the first while I was on JYJ’s side, and only believed the JYJ’s side. And Junsu’s twitter incident happened. When I read that twitter message, to be honest, I felt so bad for him. Being his fan, I was on his side. Then, members of SM entertainment who he had believed once to be his “family” turned against him and started hating on Junsu. Yes, I admit it was silly of him to post that personal feelings in social media, but Yunho’s interview that he had spoken about Junsu killed me. How he apologizes to the SM people and he speaks as if Junsu had done all the wrong, and that he is the guilty one. Having seen almost all of dbsk shows, I knew how much Yunho meant to Junsu. And therefore the interview killed me.
Then I came across Jaejoong’s tweets about members, especially towards HoMin. I remember my heart crying when reading those tweets. Since then, I came across the old dbsk stuff that hidden in my room and in my computer. I found myself missing the old 5. So I told myself that I will forever hold my place, telling myself “Always Keep the Faith”. But that wait was painful, and that’s when I came across other boy groups, such as Beast, 2AM, SHINee, ZE:A, and B1A4. But deep inside me, my love for dbsk was still there, and no matter how much I like the other groups, I never had the love for them as much as I had love for dbsk. I always came back to them.
But last December, I came across one blog post which spoke out my heart and feelings and face the reality of being a cassie that had called out “DBSK as 5”. They are not welcomed, and received even unwelcomed mentions from fans of JYJ and HoMin fans. But thats not the only thing I read. I have read quotes from interview and such, which is part of the reason why I wanted to express my thoughts.
Reading that blog post, I found out the things that happened with Jaejoong’s saying of how he wants to meet HoMin and tried to get in contact and how Yunho kept saying he hadn’t received any. I don’t know who to believe, but I wanted to believe Jaejoong’s words and when I did what Yunho had said killed me, because that either had to be a lie or the truth. Whichever side it was, it still killed me. Stalker fan issue is sure to be kept in mind, but no one will know what actually happened except themselves, so I am expressing my thoughts and opinion.
That is not all I found out. I am saying this in my personal opinion, and this is with regards to jj’s interview when he said that he took a day off from his tour in japan to visit in korea to see the two members. But that plan not working out as he has hoped. Whether this is true or not, i dont know and no one will know except themselves, it still breaks my heart for two different reasons. One, for being the fact that he is trying regardless. Two, if it is not true that it kills me in that sense too. Of course no one will know what happened to JYJ and HoMin relationship now, with so many rumors flying around with regards to them reuniting.
I am sorry to Changmin’s fans, but I read the interviews of him with regards to JYJ. How it he expresses as if he hates them, and as if the old memories of 5 are painful. His behavior as if he is happier now with them being out of the picture. That killed me, and made me turn against him. I do understand that he felt betrayed himself from all the incident but when members speak including Yunho, speak of missing the members or some sort, he is the only one who is against it. That kills me with decreasing chance of 5 reuniting. And as a fan, his words felt like a dagger to my heart that still loved dbsk as 5.
That being said, I then now look towards JYJ, with seeing that the chance of 5 reuniting being small. I still have hope, and I still love all 5, but my heart is more towards JYJ.
Another reason to this is because of the old dbsk songs.
Like I said, I grew up listening to the dbsk songs. In the beginning I may have sounded like as if I liked them because of their looks throughout, but I know that I am not alone when I say that looks was not everything to my love. The songs that had contained in the albums throughout, and the perfect harmony that had contained every song combined with the beauty of the members made them so perfect to me and that is why I loved them. Every single song of dbsk is precious to me in so many different ways.
But, since HoMin made a comeback as a two, they started singing the old songs, rearranging it to fit the two. HoMin, I still love you two, but please don’t sing the old songs. Please. Every time you do, you break the memory I have inside the song. You break my childhood as you do so. Everytime I hear the old songs, I mind goes back to when they were like the Prince Charming to me as all 5. But when you, HoMin sing them, I feel like you are breaking my mind, and my heart. Please leave my precious memory as it is. Please. I understand they are still ‘your songs’ but at the same time they are JYJ’s as well in some sense. That’s why I respect more Jaejoong with this. He had mentioned how he doesn’t want to sing them, because these songs are precious to the fans as dbsk as 5, not as the members separating. So please, HoMin, please. Leave my memory as it is.
Yes, I can choose not to listen to them, but I can’t help it. It’s out there. It’s out on YouTube, and everywhere. And I am their fan, as dbsk as 5. When I search old dbsk songs on YouTube, of course I come across the performances. Being their fan, I can’t help but to listen.
Kay, there I have said it. I have said everything. I know it was long, and I thank you to whoever read it all. I am open to anyone who have any comments to my long confession, and I accept that some people will disagree big time with this. Haters gonna hate, and I don’t care. I just need to put it out, and speak it.
P.S I hope i got my point across that even though I still hope of the 5 return, my heart goes more towards JYJ. That being said, the lyrics of the songs they composed in the In Heaven album makes my heart cry. Junsu, your lyrics and composing of You’re makes me cry. Why are you sorry. If anything we should be the ones apologizing, and we should be the ones that say thank you for returning, and being who you are. Nine, I am not able to comment on it. Jaejoong, you just made me tear up based on the title. Lastly, W. At first I didn’t know what the title suppose to meant but now I know and it killed me when I found out. The lyrics, it made me shed a tear or two, and when you guys sang the songs as you cried made me cry with you.
titsay
kianamaiart
prguitarman
stormborns
theartofmadeline
gamechangershow
