Post #301
141 days a ghost | night before the stage
In 21 years I have ghosted ~5 phases of my life. Burning bridges, changing faces, and altering what I considered the foundations of the world I created around me.
Safe to say that's a bit unhealthy.
After 5 months, 5 hospitalizations, over 80 missed phone calls, 300+ missed texts, a faux graduation, and my entire degree hinging on a book report I could have written in 6th grade
It'd be reasonable to assume I embodied my biggest fear-
Failure.
There are periods of the last 5 months that I could not tell you where my mind was, where I was. Buried in resentment? Guilty as I collect more reasons to be? Trapping hatred in a body that has only ever known that sickening grey, the animosity of avoiding mirrors, reflections... light.
The endless times I wished to pick up my phone and find something to say to this blog- a fragment of my soul preserved and admired by mostly strangers. The wave of guilt that followed as I remember I couldn't even type up a book report.
Music stopped sounding like joy, the air stopped feeling free, my mind atrophied into hazy memories of a life unlived; I wondered how long I could remain unaccounted for.
Turns out- close to half a year.
I have spent over half a year in this waste, hoping that tunnelling through neurons and eating away my muscle would force some answers.
The only one I found?
Damn perseverance, this motherfucker still wants to live.
In fact- she wants more life than she ever has before.
And if she's willing to rot for death, imagine what she would do for life.
Starting at ground zero is my favorite double-edged sword.
This is the closest to negative zero I have ever gotten, an impossibility nearly made possible by a force greater than me. Somehow, I'm happy with that.
If ever I needed to learn something, it is accountability. Where I'm at today feels exactly where I needed to start. Somehow, I feel I couldn't have started any sooner.
I submitted my final paper today. It took me a month and another hospitalization to complete, but it's done. My mom and I sent the email to my professor with warmest intentions and all the hope that my degree will be completed with no further complications.
I don't want to give up my studies.
Independently.
I intend to start another blog, maybe a website, maybe a substack, on research that actually interests me, within my beloved field of Psychology, but I wont syphon myself-- if I find something within another philosophical field that I want to discuss, why not share with others who are interested in the pursuit of deeper knowledge?
I have passions, interests, loves, and much too much hate (most I hope sloughed off with all the weight I intend to regain).
I am so young, with a life I refuse to waste one more day worrying about. I am created, wholly, faithfully, wonderfully. I am capable of such creations myself. I am more than excited to share another day on this planet with you.
So, if you made it to the bottom of this post, and you're wondering what to take from this: Hear the love that exists even in the emptiest spaces & know; all who are willing are capable.
P.S. I miss you, I love you & my biggest goal at the moment is to remember to charge my phone, for you <3