Low-Budget Beasts

This page is not meant to offend or embarrass. It was created exclusively for comedic purposes.

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Sharing is Caring

Hi Beastie Boys and Girls!

As I have previously mentioned, Low Budget Beasts is EXPANDING (you'll see just what I mean in the next week).  

In the meantime, however, I need a little help from all of YOU.

(Imagine this next part being delivered like a bad infomercial):

Have you ever fallen on stage?

Cracked on the high note at a big audition?

Missed a cue and left your castmate floundering on stage?

Well, it's TIME TO SHARE IT!

And what, pray tell, am I intending to do with these stories?  Well, you'll just have to wait and see…. ;)

(Anddddd cut)

Send any and all worst/embarrassing/funny/nightmare audition or performance stories to [email protected].  (These stories do NOT need to be from productions of "Beauty and the Beast" or deal with The Beast whatsoever.  All shows are welcome!)  Be sure to specify if you'd like your name included or would prefer to remain anonymous.  Please note that submissions with discriminatory, racist, offensive, or excessively vulgar language or content will be dismissed.  (Feel free to also send any Low Budget Beast photos to this email address as well!)

I realize I'm being vague in my intentions but I can assure you that your submissions will be shared in a fun, light-hearted way that celebrates the beauty of live performance.

(Lord knows I have an endless slew of disaster stories befitting this category….Haha!)

Thanks friends for your continued support and I hope to hear from you all soon!

Xoxo

-N

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This unparalleled specimen of low budget brilliance is single-handedly bringing back what was a thought(or ought)-to-be-forgotten retro staple: the shag carpet.   Enveloped entirely in an unfathomably thick layer of the vintage rug, this Beast compliments the "fur" with a pair of faded sweatpants (ideally representative of the show's era….), basic ski gloves, horns hot-glued to ingeniously multi-colored shag, and a piece of inconspicuous GREEN mic tape.  This entire ensemble is shiningly completed with a pink blanket found precariously wadded underneath the couch in the green room.   This Beast is undoubtedly thankful for this particularly winning moment in which he is permitted to stare at himself in the mirror- an undeniable "singular sensation"….as it were. Ps. Let us not ignore that mural in the background….if only it weren't partially concealed! ;)  

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(DO NOT BE ALARMED: an explosive and uncontrollable burst of laughter upon viewing this image is perfectly natural) This inestimable treasure was submitted to me with the following message: "Yes, that’s his real hair. And, yes, those are football shoulder pads." Apparently this Beast felt the need to further capitalize on the football motif: evident in his prominent under-eye make-up, giving him that typical NFL, stalwart and resilient disposition…. Honorable mention goes to the configuration of magenta cardboard in the background, featuring an estimated four-foot high fang-inspired door and some especially innovative hanging lava lamps. Thank you to muchadoaboutmusicals for this outstanding submission! ;)

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This post marks, THE RETURN OF THE LOW-BUDGET BEASTS! I'm currently working on some new features for and additions to the site that I am pretty thrilled about (potentially including but not limited to: a ridiculously campy theme song, videos, and an excessive amount of sarcasm and sass….)  Needless to say, brace yourselves for the FUN! ;) Behold!  What a fine specimen to help us begin again- a disturbing amalgamation of Igor (a la "Young Frankenstein"), Br'er Bear (yes, from the questionable "Song of the South"), and Popeye the Sailor Man (you tell me that mouth isn't identical!) haphazardly shrouded in layers of indistinct fabric and depicted here baffling children and adults alike. I particularly appreciate the woman nervously CRANING her head around the side of the creature in protection of the children left helplessly to gawk, point, and pray for their very lives and the pair of women actively choosing to avert their gaze. BRAVO!

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Excuse the Hiatus

Hello Beastie Boys and Girls, Please forgive the extended absence and prepare yourselves for the triumphant return of the Low Budget Beasts very soon! Brace yourselves for the laughs and the countless Beasts still to enjoy. :)

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….. THE OVEN-MITTED LUMIERE!  I am in tears with laughter!

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Believe it or not, the longer you stare at this photograph, the more little hidden treasures you seem to find: -The fact that the very best they could manage for the Beast's grand dining room is a miniature cafe table. -Mrs. Potts assertively flashing the ol' plastic smile with unfailingly commitment to that spout. -Belle who seems to be going Abigail Williams (a la "The Crucible") on that bowl of soup. -A Beast quite literally being swallowed up by an enormous mass of fur….how is the poor guy expected to eat that soup without proper access to his mouth?! -And last, my very favorite discovery, the fact that two people in the front row are legitimately LEAVING THE PRODUCTION mid-scene! Bravo, folks!

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"Beauty and the Ewok" Set a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, we revisit this iconic, "tale as old as time" in an intergalactic realm, giving new meaning to our heroine's yearning for "adventure in the great wide somewhere." Also note the set (?) in the background, which appears to be just a compilation of draped sheets….

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Fear not, your distress is perfectly understandable….we'll navigate through this low-budget treasure trove together! From left to right starting with the back line: -A disgruntled and justifiably embarrassed Chip in a lamp shade, mutilated bed sheet, and a styrofoam base…likely rendering her immobile. -A "paint-by-numbers" 2D Beast in Party City's standard coat and wrinkled ascot. -Cogsworth sporting some very questionable facial hair and an absurdly stoic look of pride. -Babette, who has selected a miniature bonnet (possibly stolen from the American Girl Doll Felicity….) and a nude colored turtleneck (….resulting in a moment of concern at the fact that she might actually be naked) -A Mrs. Potts, bearing an uncanny resemblance to Violet Beauregarde…. after she turns into a blueberry. -A Lumiere….ON CRUTCHES! (curving to the front line) -Belle, the very BEST of the group. ….and finally…. WHO THE HELL ARE THOSE TWO PEOPLE ON THE LEFT?! Mrs. Meers and Ching Ho?  Zorro and The Bride of Frankenstein?  Gomez Addams and the Grandma? Amazing!

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Every Beast is special in its own right, but this one is particularly extraordinary, considering my very own sister is currently starring as Babette, the feather duster, alongside THIS, which she refers to as "Tracy Turnblad meets a bison." That's right, NO ONE is safe from the Low-Budget Beast! Thanks, Missy, for this outstanding submission!  I don't know how you get through the show without laughing out loud…..Haha! ;)

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Ah yes, the Masquerade approach- giving a whole new meaning to the "Beauty and the Beast" title song lyric "bittersweet and strange"….  ….although I think "finding you can change.  Learning you were wrong" is a bit more applicable….if not entirely vital. (Also, if that's a towel this Belle has fastened to her gown, I'm pretty sure I  owned it.)

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The Gal Behind The Beasts

Hi friends! Yesterday, I was shocked to discover that LowBudgetBeasts had acquired 10,000 followers and even more astonished to find that it has well exceeded that number this morning. This, of course, is all thanks to YOU and your support of this wacky blog.  To reiterate from my last "thank you" post, I so appreciate your submissions, comments, and messages and love to hear from you so please don't hesitate to interject if you have something you'd like to say. Since we're all friends now (all 10,000+ of us….;) ), I think it's only fair that I share my own personal encounter with the Beast….

While obviously NOT of the low-budget variety (it is well known that Disney has money to spare….), I still found this lumbering Beast unbearably funny as he attempted to waltz and gracefully maneuver about the stage.  Oh right….did I mention I'm the Belle on the left? That's right, a former Disney Princess turned comedy blogger! More evidence:

(As Belle in "The Golden Mickeys" show at Hong Kong Disneyland)

So, there you are, the gal behind the Beasts is ironically….Belle! Now that we've dispelled the monotony with this little detour, BACK TO THE LOW BUDGET BEASTS!  Xoxo -N

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….so they have managed to turn a coloring book page into a mask…. Apart from that, the rest is tragically inexplicable…. HAHAHAHA!

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Want to give your Beast some phenomenal prosthetics but just don't have the budget to do so? Well, it's time to get creative with some common household items!  Remember those ornate conch shells you purchased on your tropical vacation to Hawaii?  USE 'EM AS EARS!  How about that ancient deflated, mini basketball your son used to dribble around the backyard?  USE IT AS A MOUTH!  How about that old frizzy wig you wore to the annual neighborhood Halloween party when you went as a sexy 80's rocker chick?  USE IT!  Got an old "Cone Heads" head piece hanging around the costume closet?  USE IT! Simply attach the dejected pieces of crap you've collected to the "Cone Heads" piece using an unfathomable amount of hot glue.  Don't worry about any mistakes or misplacements, you'll be covering it all up with the 80's rocker wig.   Once the helmet is complete, you'll need to decorate the mini deflated basketball.  Feel free to cut it to fit the actor's face and then attach it with some globs of spirit gum.  Now have some fun decorating the basketball and making it REALLY look like a mouth. Voila!  You're done!  Congratulations costumers!  Just remember, have fun and know that the audience is sitting at least ten feet away from the stage so they likely won't see any of the mistakes you've made! ;) (Please also notice how Belle is staring at the masterful Beast as if transfixed and unable to proceed with the scripted dialogue….) Thanks Amy Elizabeth for this gem!

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Beauty and the Baboon….I ask you, why is "Beast" so often synonymous with some variation of a monkey?! Also, can we just spend a moment looking at the chandelier serving as Belle's tiara?

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For the Cameo Theatre, this was a monumental and crucial opportunity to shine.  Following the catastrophic, "Big River," which endured a grueling 6 week run (often performing to an audience smaller than the cast assembled on stage), the resilient Cameo was determined to rise again with a featured spot on LIVE television. With the stakes astronomically high, the tenacious thespians scrambled to create a first-rate glimpse at their much anticipated, "Beauty and the Beast."  Dazed by the mastery of their own work, the concluding result was finer than they could have EVER envisioned: a Beast shackled in an enormous set of football pads, concealed by a gilded purple table cloth, sporting a dingy wild boar mask and topped off with Party City's best, Cher circa 1974 wig (graciously provided by the concessions volunteers). ….Tragically hit with the splintered end of Mother Nature's eloquence stick, Belle has been relegated to the back (look to the Beast's left arm) to avoid another "Big River" debacle…. VIVA CAMEO THEATRE!

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Deductive reasoning has lead me to the conclusion that this is NOT a full scale production of "Beauty and the Beast" and perhaps, instead, a "Friday Fun Day" at the office….oy…. Still, its low budget qualifications are indisputable and therefore, this flip-flopped, "just got rained on" hair styled Belle and this oddly squatting, wolf-masked Beast have found a home here on this blog. WELCOME TO THE LOW BUDGET FAMILY! Thanks Molly for this incomparable submission.