you don't get to chose how someone loves you or how they show it
you get a choice on how you respond and if you want to see it.
just because you have a insecurity does not give you the right to hold your partner to it, its not theirs to own. its yours - mine
this is part of me that is new to me, i was never the one to have self doubt or be insecure. but now it riddles me like the holes in swiss cheese. i have no clue currently how to fix it. it helps to talk to you but i worry - go figure - that it will be to much one day and that will be that - you'll be gone.
that my yo-yo effect broke our string
i try and write it out on here as much as i can or on my phone to get it out of my head
i try and plan so i know what i can except and what to do in that situation if i falter. i think that is why i hang onto words so much and focus on what they mean when we talk and why i get so hung up on them when they change or don't hold true. i feel un prepared? not sure how I'm going to respond or handle my reaction.
that sucks in general that i feel like i have to do that - this - i dont want to.
i want to be able to just go with the flow. take your hand and power on and enjoy it 100% and not be in my head thinking i did something wrong, messed something up, taking away from your night again. again. again
just because i don't feel loved every moment of every day does not make it true. it doesn't make it alright to spiral, it doesn't make it ok to take away from him. if he didn't, why would he come save you at 3am, why would he try and see you on his way out. why would he listen every time you have a issues, why would he hug me, hold me and kiss me and do it till I'm OK.
why would he give up his sleep when you wake up in a terror
because he is better then a boyfriend. he is an amazing partner full of love
i wish, one day he could feel how much i feel for him and not just have him see all the cracks.


















