@ltzcrew - Tumblr Blog

you don't get to chose how someone loves you or how they show it

you get a choice on how you respond and if you want to see it.

just because you have a insecurity does not give you the right to hold your partner to it, its not theirs to own. its yours - mine

this is part of me that is new to me, i was never the one to have self doubt or be insecure. but now it riddles me like the holes in swiss cheese. i have no clue currently how to fix it. it helps to talk to you but i worry - go figure - that it will be to much one day and that will be that - you'll be gone.

that my yo-yo effect broke our string

i try and write it out on here as much as i can or on my phone to get it out of my head

i try and plan so i know what i can except and what to do in that situation if i falter. i think that is why i hang onto words so much and focus on what they mean when we talk and why i get so hung up on them when they change or don't hold true. i feel un prepared? not sure how I'm going to respond or handle my reaction.

that sucks in general that i feel like i have to do that - this - i dont want to.

i want to be able to just go with the flow. take your hand and power on and enjoy it 100% and not be in my head thinking i did something wrong, messed something up, taking away from your night again. again. again

just because i don't feel loved every moment of every day does not make it true. it doesn't make it alright to spiral, it doesn't make it ok to take away from him. if he didn't, why would he come save you at 3am, why would he try and see you on his way out. why would he listen every time you have a issues, why would he hug me, hold me and kiss me and do it till I'm OK.

why would he give up his sleep when you wake up in a terror

because he is better then a boyfriend. he is an amazing partner full of love

i wish, one day he could feel how much i feel for him and not just have him see all the cracks.

Im furious. I'm hurt. Im embrassed.

I'm disappointed

i don't know what bugs me more.

The just doing It and expecting me to be ok.

The just doing it and sucking up thinking I'll get over it.

The just expecting me to get over it because I was "next to nothing"

You said yes like it was nothing. Not even knowing exactly what it was.

I didn't even cross your mind. I was expected to be ok. Either way.

It ended my night. I hate Fridays.

I dont want to be second.

That is what I mean when I say you'll forget about me

What happens when it's something els. What happens if it hurts you. Hurts us. Do I just have to be OK then? How is that fair

I can loose her. She over stepped why does it feels like your trying to push me away..

i lost days with you, time with you and am going to keep loosing them

the things I cherish the most and it hurts like a un waving pressure on my chest

and you don't seem effected

the weekend from from having great days with you to one good night

that sucks

I'm so mad today over this.

I feel like a chunk of me has been ripped out because someone said something. I feel like this is going to change us. Like I cant or am not aloud to be close to you.

Right now I don't want to be.

I'm furious that this will be our weekend.

I'm livid that I feel abruptly pushed away.

I feel like your saying "this is to much" but worried to tell me. I told you I'm a lot.

I dont hate that you wanna drink and get fuxking stoned. I hate that you pick that inplace of me. even when you say you won't. You do. That you will spend extra time trying to. How is that keeping your word? That I dissappear from your mind

Did he? Or was he stoned with you?

With this I bet you won't invite me to things any more because " we spend to much time together " that you will make that choice for us and not have it be a us one. I hate that I've been trying so hard and I feel like I've still failed. I do everything you want to do because I want to. Because I want to do it with you. I include you in everything I want to do because I hope you want to.

We should not have talked about this.

I wish we did our date night. I wanted to and tried hard to look good for you. For me.

Instead I feel rotten inside.

I love you

so!

learning you are overly co dependent person with separation anxiety is a fun new things - especially at thirty fucking two years old. it makes its 100 times better when it shows up as you start dating a sweet boy who is so amazing, kind ,has a heart as big as a whale and has such a good head on his shoulders and is like 11 years younger then you- fuck-

its amazing, he is amazing

i have honestly never felt like this before,

in a good way.

when my neurotic behavior and my self debt calms down i feel like I'm in X-43 with no limit on burn time

its when the burn gives out and gravity - life - starts to catch up and pull down,

I've been draining his well dry. having him support my spiral that he never started or had anything to do with - I've become something and someone I hate - a user

im sorry. as I type this, it all runs in my head, all the crap you have had to help support and I'm so sorry.

that's not how this is supposed to work. its mutual support, not a solo pillar.

i am with you

support you, holding your hand, getting you a band aid, making you food - you eat like a horse my boy - giving you time..and space... to have you. to not wait for you to say you need it,

i should have known and I haven't noticed because I've been so busy trying to find out how far and fast we can go and never stopped - this kills me - stopped to see that at some point i started to drag you along and not let you rest, didn't let you breath

that is horrible of me, its not fair, its hurtful, destructive, wearing

i want to be a us - dont know if that has ever been used with you and i - i want to be a us in years from now

N im sorry, i haven't been a good boyfriend

i let my past effect how we are and thats not fair, you didnt creat those things, you didnt do them but i hold onto some of them because they hurt me so bad and im scared it will happen again

doing that i know wont effect the out come, if anything it may make it self filling

ill get it sorted

i love you

kybral-old

“The Crossing” by Kyle Cabral

They played in the morning, and napped for an afternoon. Then, they fell in love at dusk, and walked together until midnight.

stirpicus

Super charming illustration series by an old classmate of mine.

shep689

What can this be a for real book I’ll buy hundreds.

liridi-deactivated20250617

I hope he has a nice day

I love my friends

all my friends,

they make me step outside my box and push me to do and try new things and even make a fool of my self - to loosen up. they are generally the more social kind as i am not. my best friend once said it took him years to find a way to talk to me because i didnt look like the kinda guy you approach and just talk to - resting bitch face is a curse and blessing.

what about past friends?

do they or should they hold a place inside you?

what if they hurt you, and tried to bring down something good you have?

should you have any kind of will towards them?

today my best friend told me a person from my past was coming to town and was planning on crashing with him - usually this is good new as it means drinks, bbq, beach, boating and catching up on months past.

only

this friend is someone that broke me and tried to take away the amazing good i have now. usually i wouldn’t give someone like this the time of day anymore or even a thought. write them off and dont see my best friend for a few days well he entertains. BUT he asked to see our group.

my group

to see me and my new good

this confuses me and makes me spin sideways. last time we spoke he was telling me we could never speak again because his new good thinks im poison to them, will ruin, wreck and destroy them. now he wants to meet for drinks and this bugs me.

bugs me more then getting a scratch on my car.

i dot know why. it might be because im worried he is here to toss a wrench into my perfectly working machine, to try and get between me and my other half, to get in bed with my best friend, to try and flex some social power muscle and see how i respond - it would be with a cross cut to the jaw for the record.

maybe im worried that hes here to make nice, put some water under the bridge. to try and become part of my group. maybe im worried because i want him to be - along with the face bop -

more then likely im just over thinking