here to say that i would absolutely read your sectumsempra/hbp thesis and i’m actually begging you to post it and tag me thank you <3
oh boy, do I have a surprise for u….
you’ve given me the perfect excuse to deep dive into the world of canon (which can be so fun to examine if you ignore the she-demon who wrote the series) and sectumsempra / harry’s obsession w one draco malfoy.
this is LONG so TLDR: I think sectumsempra is one of the key points that would later catalyze a drarry romantic relationship. below is my thought process on all of that.
so, I know we all love to joke about how harry was obsessed with draco that year and how this was his repressed homoeroticism bubbling to the surface, however, contrary to my drarry tendencies I want to advocate for the opposite.
harry’s entire time at hogwarts was traumatic, but there is a cut off where things become more serious for him and he can no longer brush things off as easily as he once could. that is marked by cedric’s death.
the first three years of his time at hogwarts is adventurous and keeps him on his toes, but it’s also his first experience with the wizarding world. he’s learning about magical creatures as he’s facing them, and he canonically is stimulated by the mystery of his first three years at hogwarts. which is, of course, how the story is written to be.
and in his third year, he meets sirius and suddenly he has a connection to his parents, specifically his father and has a familial tie for the first time in his life. this is monumental to harry, because sirius is quite literally one of the most important people in harry’s life. in my head, ron and sirius are the people harry is the closest to, however, sirius is the person harry trusts the most.
and we see this exemplified when we watch how harry retreats in on himself following cedric’s death and throughout all of 5th year. harry doesn’t talk about what’s going on, or even hint at it, unless he’s talking to sirius. he’ll hint at it the way a teenager would which is “ugh this is so annoying umbridge has this new method for detentions and its like torture,” but that’s more than he’s giving hermione and ron that year. when you add onto the fact that dumbledore has gone radio silent on harry who is very much angry and grieving the loss of his friend, it makes sense why he would close himself off to a lot of the people around him.
cedric is the first person harry sees die that is connected to him, even if it’s not his first brush with death nor is it the first time he’s lost someone to voldemort. and while he’s grieving cedirc, he is also being ostracized by his peers.
community is a necessary part of the grieving process; connecting with people after you’ve lost someone has been shown to help individuals cope with their grief — if their support system offers them the space to mourn properly.
after cedric’s death, harry is sent to an abusive household where he is cut off his support system (sirius, ron, hermione, the weasley family, and dumbledore) and then when he finally has access to them they’ve been in contact without him (when he needed them the most, which would hurt anyone), all at the hands of dumbledore who is suddenly ignoring him.
harry is reasonably angry throughout fifth year, is being tortured in detention; so no longer is hogwarts his safe place away from abuse and he is terrified that voldemort is “infecting him.” he’s having nightmares that turn out to be real world events that he’s seeing through the eyes of voldemort and nagini.
so not only is unable to learn how to mourn the loss of a loved one (cedric) he’s experiencing high amounts of stress and fear. and again, the only person harry trusts fully, is sirius. when umbridge finds out that he’s been using a floo service to send letters ,and cuts him off from it, the amount of pain and fear and sadness that he feels is likely overwhelming bc she’s just cut him off from his only support system.
and then, the unthinkable happens. harry loses sirius one year after losing cedric. that’s two years in a row that someone he cares for has died at the hands of voldemort and death eather’s who create situations that put himself and his loved ones in danger.
and then he’s sent back to an abusive household to experience no support or comfort, yet again.
and now we get into 6th year and harry thinking draco is a DE after one suspicious interaction that he was the observer to. now harry’s thought process isn’t far off!
what we need to know about harry is that he can be both impulsive and relatively one track minded once he’s set his mind to something. so it’s likely that his thought process is something along the lines of: —> the adults in my life, including dumbledore, have proven to be unreliable whenever there is something going one (see: every year prior) —> I saw draco malfoy, known death eater son, doing something suspicious —> know let’s pause here.
this is where it may seem like harry jumps to conclusions. but, we have to understand that one) harry runs on instinct for a lot of things in his life. and two) harry has been inside the mind of voldemort. of course, voldemort has been inside the mind of harry.
voldemort understands that harry will jump into action if a loved one is threatened, which is how he tricks harry in fifth year.
in the books, we never see the thought process that harry takes that leads him to think malfoy is a DE. all we see is some suspicious behavior off knockturn and then hermione mentioning to ron what harry’s theorizing on the Hogwarts Express on their way to school.
and so what’s to stop harry from thinking like voldemort? harry knows that voldemort is a cruel man. so it’s not unlikely for his thought process to be something along the lines of: malfoy volunteers to make up for his father’s mistakes to get back in voldemort’s good graces —> voldemort is likely to take advantage of his eagerness to join to have him aide in whatever voldemort is planning.
at this point, harry does not see draco as more than a one-dimensional character. harry has a very black and white view of the world and he has always put draco into the “bad” category and seen him as someone capable of cruelty. it wouldn’t cross harry’s mind at this point that draco might have more complex reasons for joining voldemort. but he has always seen him capable of it and draco has always shown himself to be capable of it.
harry has been watching draco for a long time, and he hates him. very passionately. the things about passion is that, you can also love someone very passionately. but more on that later.
what I would rather focus on right now is, how harry has lost two ppl he cares for two years in a row. that kind of trauma is likely to put him on edge. his obsession with draco is about control. if he can stop draco from doing whatever it is he’s up to, he can stop the “big bad” from happening. so, what is likely at the back of his mind is: “I have to stop another death from happening”
so, yes, harry has been watching draco for a long time and knows more about him than he realizes. but harry isn’t focused on any of that. what harry is focused on is larger than the both of them.
but what we can take away from 6th year up until sectumsempra is: harry knows a lot about malfoy and sees him as someone who is a real threat, but also that he sees him as an equal. he sees malfoy as a danger, and he sees himself capable enough to stop him.
and then, sectumsempra happens and suddenly draco malfoy comes to life for the first time right before harry’s eyes. harry sees him cry, sees him express fear and be vulnerable and then sees him close himself up when he notices harry is watching.
and then harry does the worst thing he’s ever done in the series. he uses a spell where he does not know what the consequences will be that is clearly labelled “for enemies” and watches the consequences of his impulsiveness play out before him: he’s hurt somebody and he doesn’t know how to fix it and until snape gets there the harry is likely to be feeling an overwhelming fear along the lines of “draco malfoy is about to die, and i’m going to be the one who did it.” mind you, harry’s killed a man before. prof. quirrell. and he never really thought about him again. this is different though. this is the first time harry is confronted with the fact that he may hate draco, but he doesn’t want him dead. esp right after seeing him cry. suddenly draco is human in the way quirrell wasn’t. because draco is like him, an equal (in skill, age, etc) thrust into a war with no way out.
this will forever change the way harry perceives draco. up until this point, draco is a bully, an annoyance, a horrible person. but in this moment, harry has, for the first time in his life, been presented with evidence that suggests that draco malfoy has a persona he presents the world and a version of himself that is much more human and capable of being vulnerable.
this leads to harry sympathizing with draco for the rest of the series. harry is able to notice that draco lowers his wand on the astronomy tower because now harry is paying closer attention to the nuances of draco malfoy. because now harry sees draco as someone who is complex and capable of depth. harry can understand why draco made the choice he made — he may not agree with it, but he understands it now.
however, harry cannot process any of this because he has no idea how to process grief or pain or anger. and then, he doesn’t get in any kind of trouble beyond detention, it’s brushed under the rug, and no one talks to him about it beyond hermione bitching him out. and I say “bitching out” because that’s how harry sees it. as he nagging him, when likely from her perspective she’s horrified that he’s done something and seems to show no remorse — which, from hermione’s perspective, is unthinkable because she knows harry to be someone who always tries to do the right thing.
so, yes, on one hand we can argue that this is very unlike harry, that he wouldn’t just hurt someone and walk away. but on the other hand, this is exactly like harry. he does not process his trauma, he simply acknowledges what happens and then puts it away.
so now let’s talk about passion, anger, love, and hatred.
harry can be a very angry person, but anger is a form of passion. love and hatred are not opposites, bc in both cases you still care about that person. meaning, love and hatred are two sides of the same coin.
so after the war, after he is no longer under threat or in an abusive household, harry is finally in a position to examine everything that’s happened to him.
so this is how I think harry’s thought process on sectumsempra would be following the war and how that contributes to the drarry dynamic:
I was impulsive —> and that ended up hurting someone —> someone who is not a good person —> someone who set off a chain reaction that led to the death of dumbledore —> someone who i’ve hurt —> someone who I hate —> someone who I’ve felt bad for —> someone who did not identify me when given the chance to do so —> someone that I, however inadvertent, tried to kill —> someone whose life I saw worthy of saving —> why did I do that? because it was the right thing to do? because malfoy, in his own way, helped save my life? bc I feel guilty about sectumsempra? —> is draco malfoy a bad person if the reason he did bad things was to save his family? —> am I bad person for doing what I did?
and when he lands on that last question suddenly draco would become the center of this intensly complex question that exists outside of him and is oftentimes what we are trying to capture in more complex drarry fic.
why would harry be obsessed with draco post-war? because once harry acknowledges draco as a complex person, he then is faced with evidence that the world is not as black and white as he thinks it is.
and so now, there’s someone who challenges harry’s world view and this is likely to both terrify and fascinate him. and so harry is likely to seek answers to very complex questions through his observance and post-war pre-romantic relationship with draco.
we have to remember that sectumsempra is a dark curse. I don’t believe that sectumsempra would have worked if harry one) hadn’t reacted impulsively when hearing draco begin to utter the cruciatus curse two) if he didn’t have two years of pent of up anger bottled up and three) and if the person he was pointing his wand at wasn’t someone he had been building up years worth of resentment towards.
draco malfoy and sectumsempra present to harry what he is capable of when he gives into his anger and resentment. and so now, draco malfoy has seen the worst of him.
I think that when harry finally allows himself to think of sectumsepmpra he would feel incredibly guilty. at first it would likely be because it opposes harry’s world view of “good people don’t do bad things.”
and so if harry makes contact with draco, which I believe he is likely to do but solely under the premise of answering these complex questions, the more harry sees draco’s humanness the more he is likely to feel guilty.
but just like harry cannot absolve draco of his mistakes, draco cannot absolve harry of his mistakes either. however, I do think that them coming together and having conversations that shift their POV on the other is what will allow them to understand this, and what will allow the both of them to accept the complexities of the other. (literary foils and all that). and is what will allow them to live with the harm they’ve caused each other.
the way I understand canon is, before sectumsempra, the way harry perceives draco is: that’s my enemy. and after the war, harry has no clear place for draco in his life but they are still so interconnected. and that will lead harry to try and categorize him and be unable to do so. he’s not an enemy anymore. he’s not a friend. he’s not a stranger. so, what is he? and then I think this will add to harry’s fascination with draco post-war which coupled with everything he already knows about him is what is likely to lead him to fall for draco. becasue draco has seen the worst in him and he has seen the worst in draco.
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