When I lived with my family still, I would often hover away from home, stretching out the walk from school, and on nights when I had theater rehearsal, I'd sit by the pond outside the building almost an hour everyday, just listening to the frogs and crickets as night set on. On weekends, I'd sit on the porch till I was sunburned.
In the summer my family would retreat to my step-family's old cattlefarm, and I'd wander as far out into the fields as I could before the grass became too high. I'd also sneak off to this spot where the Buffalo River passes by their land, and sit with my knees in the shallow side. Often I wouldn't even go back in the house, instead laying out on top of the old storm shelter. Since living on my own, I still walk to work and back, but there is less space even in the rural suburbs.
I've always considered myself a part of nature, as I am also an animal, but sometimes, especially in these moments, I feel as though I can't get close enough to it. I have unfriendly memories and feelings, like smoke running through me, and no wind is strong or clear enough to blow them away.
I wish sometimes I could just melt, into the sky or a creek somehow. Not an ending, just that freedom. I remember the days I would sit outside, and the sky would be so vivid and the sun so bright that I'd have to gaze through my fingers. My only desire in those moments would just be for that immense blue to just... scoop me up and away.
I'd imagine being turned into a beam of sunlight or some fantasy, and how I'd sleep in windowsills with cats, and play with my shape in the trees. I'd stretch all the way out over fields, or stand alone in dusty libraries. I'd dive into glasses and crystals, filling rooms with little glittering rainbows. I'd feel what it's like to shatter over little waves in a lake, shaken like sand in a gold pan.
I'd greet people as they stepped out of their doors, and kiss the tops of their heads and their noses. At the end of the day, I would grasp onto the backs of houses just to get a glimpse at the moon. That would be a shame, not getting to see the moon at her full brightness.
I think a flaw of mine is that I search for escape in everything. But, it's hard not to, when every beautiful scene is a doorway, which leads to a whole path of thoughts. If you have the time, why not take every path? Maybe I am losing my point, I haven't slept yet so I might be unclear—I get giddy with tiredness.
