On the end of a relationship - when it was your decision.
Breaking up isn't hard to do; particularly, and surprisingly, when it's your decision. I've recently undergone this change for the first time in my adult life and have found it to be one of the toughest experiences I have yet to gain. In order to help you know if it's the right time (and to stick with your decision), follow these guidelines prior to, during, and after the breakup.
Pre-Breakup
The decision for this to happen for me was very long-coming. When I look back now, I can remember considering it in November, December, January, (February we did alright), and into March, when it finally happened for us. While I know that it's unfair to have these questions for so long, it's also risky, hasty, and unfair to the connection to jump into this decision. (Exceptions: cheating, hitting, or anything else that crosses a huge line that you have drawn for what you accept in a relationship.)
1. Don't keep score, but keep an accurate account of where you have been and where you are going. If there are recurring issues, if you are not being heard in the relationship, and if you find a general lack of enthusiasm about the person you're with, DO NOT make the person that you're with miserable by whining to change it. Worry about what you can control, and change your situation.
2. Having a list of things he has done wrong and shoving them in his face is going to provide you with a colossal argument. Instead, maintain themes of the relationship that haven't made you happy. Take accountability where you need to for what you could have done different or why it's not working for you. Avoid the blame game.
3. Completely imagine your life without him. Take a couple of days to distance yourself, and see how it feels. One of my biggest things is to never go backward (I have small exceptions to this rule, for a later post). Ultimately, having to go back because you regret your decision and grovelling at his feet to be with you again is going to potentially result in a HUGE power shift (read: you're going to have hell to pay for making that decision too quickly).
Mid-Breakup
4. It's here, it's happening, you're really doing it. Find a way to back yourself into the conversation, especially if you are still waiting to see how any residual confrontations are going to play out. Have conversations on the issues. Stress how important they are to you. See if he's receptive and will do what it takes to fix it. In the case of my most recent relationship, I got walked out on in the middle of a Panera Bread as we were trying to have this talk. I knew it was over.
5. Maintain composure - at all costs. This one has been insanely hard for me, but the more that I experience, the more that it has challenged me to be as emotionless and matter-of-fact as possible when these conversations occur. A voice crack, a minute to dab your eyes - all of these things are going to happen. Get through it, feel it, and pull yourself forward so that you can make clear and valid points that will help with moving on.
6. Hanging up the phone, pointing fingers, yelling, and more will only make you easier to walk away from. Be the woman that made a lasting, positive impression on his life to the end. Not the crazy bitch he's delighted to be away from.
Post-Breakup
7. One of the biggest challenges I have faced on this one is the horrible guilt associated with hurting someone I loved very much and doing what's best for me. The man I have left is not a bad person, a bad boyfriend - none of these. Instead, it was an unfortunate miss-match that couldn't be remedied. My toughest moment since making the decision has been laying down at night and knowing that he is in pain. While this is hard, it also reinforces how lucky I was to feel that kind of love. And don't let this tempt you to go backwards. Missing him and feeling guilty is different than knowing your path.
8. Don't act like a freed bird. While this may have been your decision and you will have initial moments of relief, you are also going to feel sadness, loneliness, and a want for the relationship that you used to enjoy EVEN THOUGH it wasn't right (especially if the sex was really, really good). Allow yourself to feel this sadness. It will complete the cycle of beginning, middle, and end of a relationship accordingly so that you may feel closure.
9. You will potentially feel tempted to reach out to other men who couldn't have you when you were with someone else or to meet new ones right away to fill the void. One of the most rewarding things is not doing this. Because of negligent social media behavior, it took about 3 clicks for me to find out that this is the path that my ex chose. I both pity him, and feel completely enraged (of course!) because it has been less than a week. That said, he's on his path to find happiness again. And that's okay.
10. On that topic, keep your social media and your comments as vague as possible to demonstrate maturity and a real sense of self when moving through a breakup. The amount of people I told was minimal and my social media presence has not changed at all and this keeps people who are not you (friends of yours, his, family, etc) from making you feel any particular way about what happened or what's next. Your business, not theirs. Minimize stalking his stuff as much as possible, as well. It's hard. But try.
11. My last one is probably the most pertinent to what my friends who are going through breakups and I are most challenged with: limiting engagement in things that don't matter with him after the fact. It can be tempting to send a text, pick a fight, call him out, and more of these behaviors for the sake of a reaction. If you're truly ending it and if you're truly trying to move through it, attempt to rise above it just the same. Being the bigger person only reinforces that you made the right decision for you. If gone after by him, be curt and polite. That is why they are no longer a part of your life anymore.
Questions on my experiences or what to do in yours? I'd love to hear your thoughts.