Ludicrous Lexer

I'm just a Maggie these days. I don't need to be more.

[teamcoco]

Conan: Last Time I Was On TV, I Had To Get Permission To Say The Word “Shithole”

[rightsidebrains]

Gold

[nubiana-americana-deactivated20]

He just pouring all the tea before his term is up

[ludicrouslexer]

Presidential tweets used to look like this

[dukeofbookingham-deactivated202]

WHEN I FIND A TYPO IN A PUBLISHED BOOK

It’s just like:

[wahbegan]

Why is being told that Marilyn Manson removed his lower two ribs so he could suck his own dick in middle school like a common thing why is that an experience every American child goes through i just don’t

[k5ataskia0z8o-deactivated201905]

federal mandates on standardized testing necessitate that all children nationally be taught certain curriculum at particular grade levels

[ludicrouslexer]

Reblog if you learned about this in middle school for real for real though

[tastefullyoffensive]

(via kkcollins)

[ludicrouslexer]

LMFAO

[gnatsattack]

I live in a world where Mewtew is quoted alongside Mother Teresa.

[ludicrouslexer]

Love this. <3

[ludicrouslexer]

Working on contracts tonight, with the help of my little buddy, of course! It's probably not fair to say that bar prep is making me crazy. I've been here for a while. #WorkingOnEsquire #WithALittleHelpFromMyFriends

[nixevi]

[ludicrouslexer]

My boyfriend just tried to murder me...

...we were cleaning up around the apartment, I had just taken out the cat litter, we went into the teeny tiny bathroom to scrub out the box.... he poured some bleach into it, but little did we know, there was some kind of deposit of concentrated cat piss at the bottom of the box... the ammonia from the piss mixed with the bleach and started fizzling... suddenly we were both super lightheaded and seeing spots.... he was like GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM I THINK I JUST MADE MUSTARD GAS.... LOL!!! Needless to say, we both survived, but, as a note to self, beware of cleaning litter boxes with bleach.

[ludicrouslexer]

I finally watched the last two seasons of The Office, and now I think I’m finally ready to watch the last season of Friends.

I don’t know why I never finish shows. 

I have three episodes left of Parks and Rec. Up until recently, I’d never seen the end of The Office (even though I LOVED the show when it was on) and I’ve been avoiding the last season of Friends for years. Of course, I know how all of these shows end because spoilers wait for no one, but, I personally just never watch the ends of shows that I really love. It’s like maybe if I don’t watch the ending, the show never really ended. But obviously that mentality is flawed.

Anyway, at the end of A.A.R.M. when Dwight proposed to Angela, I was hysterically crying so loudly that my neighbor came over to make sure I was okay. After assuring her that I was in fact okay, the crying essentially continued throughout the duration of the Finale. Especially when Michael came back. Everything was just so beautiful, and well put together, and intimate, and emotional, I actually think I need to stop typing this because I'm going to make myself cry again. Just, all in all, what a freaking incredible show.

Maybe I’m not emotionally ready yet for the end of Friends. Or maybe I’m just resigned to spend the entire day crying and wondering why all good men must someday die. Either way, I’m crazy and wish me luck. 

[ludicrouslexer]

Your voice is only silenced if you allow it to be! No matter what your preferences are, it takes just a few minutes to make a giant difference. And it feels incredible! (at Audubon Park Covenant Church)

[thechitasclitoris]

[ludicrouslexer]

because nudity isn’t always sexual

and sexuality isn’t always nude

and humans are beautiful 

and mirrors are cool

[ludicrouslexer]

As I sit here drinking, I find myself thinking...

I'm planning to graduate from law school in roughly two months and I just found out that strippers can make as much, if not more, than lawyers (per hour.) P.S., I have a lot of student debt. And stripper school is much cheaper than law school. So if I could go back in time with this knowledge, I honestly think I would have considered switching professions, but, like.... I can't. Or maybe won't? I have to think about this.... ah. No, it's not "won't." It's definitely "can't." 

So to be perfectly honest, I don't (and never will) look down on strippers. Because they truly do something that I can't do. And there’s a market for it. So good for them.

[ludicrouslexer]

Tonight, my friend called me and asked what I was doing. I said, I’m making a casserole, but after this I have no plans. Should only take me about an hour. He said, okay, me and this other friend (who I haven’t seen in a really really long time because he lives in New York now but is home for the holiday) are hanging out tonight, you should join us. I said okay! When and where? He said, I don’t know yet, I’ll call you when there’s a plan. This was at 7:30 pm.

He never called.

So, whatever, plans might have fallen through or maybe he just forgot. So at 12:30 I sent him a text saying, essentially, “hey, don’t know what happened but I’m going to bed, so I guess I’ll catch you next time.” Then he immediately responded, saying, “I told you to call me after the casserole.” (No, he didn’t. I thought about it after the fact and I’m POSITIVE he said he would call me.) We proceed to text each other for a little longer, with me basically saying “sorry for the miscommunication wow I’m kinda crushed that this happened” and him basically saying “you suck” (in much grander, more vague terms of course). So I’m actually starting to get kind of upset, and I think he could tell because he stopped replying. But here is why I’m in tears right now.

1. I waited around all night for my friend to call me. 2. I missed out on the chance of seeing our New York friend. 3. It was completely his fault and not at all mine, but yet, he blamed it on me and I accepted that blame.  4. He was actually a crappy friend to me, yet somehow, I’m in trouble with him now. 5. I’m the only one who suffered and now I’m also the only one being punished. 3, 4, and 5 may be similar concepts but I don’t care. I want to confront him but I don’t know how and he probably doesn’t realize what a big deal this is to me, this will all probably get swept under the rug but I am just, so completely devastated because my friend kind of ruined my night (I couldn’t go anywhere else while I was waiting for his call), and yet, the takeaway from the conversation was that I’m a bad friend who never calls. 

This may seem so shallow and insignificant but I’m crying and everyone else is asleep so maybe if I tell Tumblr my problems I’ll feel better. Guess we’ll see. 

[ludicrouslexer]

Hello I am a cat

[ludicrouslexer]

I feel weird about this, and I feel terrible for feeling weird about this, but...

Recently, there was an article in the news about a man who did something extremely heroic. No arguments there. He definitely saved that woman’s life, he definitely did it selflessly, and he definitely got shot (wounded, not killed, thank goodness) in the process. There have been hundreds of articles and news stories about him and the events of that evening. 

I’m not arguing that he’s a hero, he totally is. But here’s the sticky part... I know him personally. Or well, at least I used to, years ago. We went to high school together. And the problem is, the thing I feel weird about... he was a MASSIVE JERK in high school. Total bully. Mean to me, mean to my friends, multiple occasions. So when I heard in the news that he’d done this incredible heroic thing, I was kind of like.... REALLY? I dunno. I don’t feel like posting any articles or anything about what an amazing man he is and what a hero he is because I just remember him being this absolute jerk. 

Now maybe he changed, and that’s cool. Or if he didn’t, in the alternative, maybe jerks can be heroes too, and I suppose that’s also cool. But it is just insane to me to go on my Facebook and just see all these dozens and dozens of posts about how amazing he is, when I remember him being such a douche. I feel guilty about the fact that I feel weird about the fact that this old bully from high school super selflessly saved a woman’s life and is now a hero. I just have a lot of complicated feels about it. Am I a total bitch? 

[ludicrouslexer]

#colorado