wl journal (esme)

14 163 cm sw:58 cw:54 gw:???

[lulujj]

A wl motivator is losing my period so that I don't have to worry about it during summer

[lulujj]

The past couple of days I've eaten far too much. Binges. Tomorrow is a new week and I need motivation to stay on track. Give me tips, shame me, I don't care. Message me or comment. I've probably gained so much weight. I was doing so good.

[lulujj]

Weight day in school shows how fucked up girls are

Today at school during PE they weighed and measured us. It happens once a year and oh boy. I have no idea what it's like on the boys side since I didn't hear them talking much about it. But the girls...

The girls were after the guys so at least the boys weren't waiting outside and questioning us. I went into the nurses office with 3 other girls, 2 of which were stressing about how they are too "fat". The other girl is slim so she was chilling and just reassuring them that they are fine. I got measured and mind you, the nurse used a very outdated scale that is off slightly. The nurse said out loud my weight from last year and the 3 girls looked at me and congradulated me on losing 10 kg. I can't deny I was holding back giggling from joy. They got weighed while I tried to find the rest 5 girls from my class (my closer friends).

I found them tucked away in the corner of the gymnasium sitting and talking on one of the mats. I told them to go get weighed and they all started panicking. This is when I realized that the girls in my class might be just as highly insecure. We all waited outside, they were still panicking and assuming their weights. I was joking around like I usually do to calm them down. I went into the nurses office with them again so that I could watch.

The girls were(this kinda matters):

A short one

A REALLY thin short girl

2 sisters

My best friend

The short one got measured and nothing much, she's normal. The really thin one got weighed and she seemed happy that she gained a bit of weight. She was the ONLY one worrying about being too thin. But of course I congradulated her, even tho I was jealous.

The sisters got weighed. One is a year older than all of us and she is 43 kg. I forgot her height but she's definitely smaller than me and I was definitely mad but I hyped her up. Then her little sister got weighed. She is 47 kg. Her sister immediately started bragging and saying that she was the weight of a model. Hair flip and everything.

Then my best friend got weighed (I don't like her). She is the same height as me and she is 55 kg. I couldn't help but smile, especially since last year I was heavier than her. Literally a week ago she bragged that she was more athletic than me since she does k pop dances in her bedroom 😂. Still makes me laugh.

After we left the nurses office the older sister started smack talking her sister right IN FRONT of her. She kept telling us that her sister was always eating at home. I honestly felt bad and called her out for being rude.

We are all 13. Just a little reality check for everyone who wondered how teenage girls are. Jealous,rude and insecure and I'm part of the problem.

[lulujj]

The portion of food you would give a loved one, cut in half for you

[lulujj]

Last night my mom wanted to make pudding with me and I didn't want her to worry so I made it with her. So that means last night I ate a lot of pudding. But today is a new day and I can do better. Im starting to like the feeling of being hungry. I usually eat out of routine so it's starting to feel more like a chore. I just know I gotta distract myself with as many things as possible so I don't slip up. Tonight when I get home I'll put up a note on my door to remind myself. I'll hide the key of my room from myself so I don't just go into the kitchen and grab something on impulse.

[lulujj]

Day 1:

Today has went well. I had to eat breakfast or my mom would throw all kinds of aligations at me. It was a cup of tea and a plain piece of toast. I did not want to eat and felt so full and horrible. At school I felt sick because of it. After school I went to my grandma's place and didn't eat lunch. My mom packs me a fruit every day but I didn't eat it. I've only got a scale at my grandma's apartment and I'm surprised I didn't gain weight from how much I ate yesterday. I got home in time for dinner and had some tomato and a 80 cal maggi soup. I'm full now :)

My mother asked what I ate for lunch and I lied and said I had some mini hot dogs. She praised me. I feel bad liying to her and I've got to be careful because she's the type of person to get really mad at lies. I brought up my hands cracking because of the cold where I live and she got mad. She said my fingers are too slim. Keep in mind that she is a fat woman and doesn't know what she's talking about. She said she is putting me on vitamins. Well atleast they don't have cals.

Anyway I can easily smash 20k steps by the end of the day. Doubt anyone will see this but this is more of a log for me. But if you wanna be buddies we can chat :)

[lulujj]

Hello. I have no idea how to blog on Tumblr but I'll just do what I feel like.

I'm 31🔄. Around 163 cm. Don't know what the age requirement is but I think you get it. I want to lose weight. I don't have a particular GW, I just want to feel slim. My sw was 58 and I'm currently 48 kg. I've been eating less and exircising but the past week I've been doing worse. I'm not losing. I'm not being strict enough. I don't care how I look like, I care what I feel like and after the way I ate today I don't feel small. I feel horrible. Tomorrow I'm starting over again.

I want to find others on here around my age to keep eachother motivated. Someone to hold me accountable. I need someone to do this with. I doubt anyone will see this but I need to blog my thoughts anyway.