i don't have wifi here so i was going through my gallery again - videos specifically and i went back like 2 then 3 years looking back on my stuff and ended up looking at moments of my family together
i was just looking for stuff of my interests to watch to make me happy / distract me honestly like edits i have saved or idk screen recordings and i did find them - my sister was watching with me at some point so i made sure she could see too
this was coincidentally after my dad had said today that he'd given my mom 5 years then he'd leave and she'd have to figure something out (i suspect 5 years so my sister isn't as young anymore she's 16 - gracious of him idk)
i don't think he's being serious because he says shit like this all the time and he has not stuck by it he's speaking completely normally now he's more calm so this is likely another instance of him speaking out of anger again
but my mom is obviously hurt by every instance of this bc it counts - anything u say in anger has some root / truth at least if not a lot
i feel so helpless and fucking tired of them - i can't abandon them bc look how they are and look what my mom deals with
yes she's been bad to me - they both have but she has been done wrong for far too long for me to also be another person holding some stupid shit against her and not helping / trying to make a good life for her
it's all dumb by comparison bc when i think of her life i just feel so bad abt anything i've ever complained abt that she's done to me - it's fine i forgive her i know if the circumstances were different she wouldn't have done any of that
i want to say this applies to my dad too bc i'm sure our parents have been through shit with their parents and their lives before us - but i have way less moments with my dad where i felt like i could see his actual nature as being kind and caring
maybe to others - definitely to others
he just hates us
i try not to think this way - in absolutes
anyway none of this changes anything so we move ig - can't leave them alone is the conclusion i had reached a long time ago - i felt like it wasn't valid, that i was making myself feel like things were more serious when they weren't
maybe this is also not serious but they're getting worse with age and i need to find a way to help / fix it / idfk i wish i didn't have to deal with any of this it's not mine my life is such a mess and i'm always busy putting out all their fires
another thing that's been pissing me off is the inactive roles of my older brother and my sister - abt my sister it's good that she isn't involved she gets affected by this stuff she even told me she switched the ac on to drown out the noise and she could still hear so she cried
do u know who was out in the noise? me - i even told my mom to go i was the only one with my dad trying to fix some broken shit in this old ass apartment
she's on her period so i get it - it just irritated me a bit that she got to experience it from farther away and was telling me abt how hard it was - thankfully my response was i'm sorry and i distracted her more and we watched going seventeen she laughed (and going through my gallery with her got her laughing too)
same thing with my brother calling me (he's abroad for work) - complaining abt how our parents are overbearing and they irritate him bc they're always telling him what to do like he doesn't know what to do - then after he says he'll call them less he calls them like 3 times a day? sometimes thankfully not all the time but almost everyday and it's not smth obligatory he does this himself! stick to ur words! if u don't want to seem helpless don't always call them and seem helpless!
and my not close uni friend asking me for help and rly stressing trying to contact me even through my close work friend (her friend who's my friend) during this shit - rly? no one else? how? she has other friends she just knows if she asks me i'll say yes bc i'm an idiot! i don't care abt myself i care abt helping people esp ones i view as my friends / i think "why not?"
there are so many reasons people don't help - most of the time it is just bc they have prioritized themselves more as is their right - i have not been helped despite going through shit constantly idk why i still think like this but part of me is grateful these people i care abt have someone like me to rely on since i'm nice and genuinely reliable when i'm needed
that said it all pisses me off so much bc here i am taking care of all their issues with all my issues on the side while they keep making and bringing me more - adding on to my burdens and making me more depressed
it's fucking hard to keep myself alive and i'm really tired of all the fucking work
bc this isn't even anything i haven't even started on the genuine work i have to do in my life - i'm never free to do the normal things i need to do
there's no proof of any of this effort / work throughout the years it just looks like i've been failing and that's exactly what it feels like - it takes me so much effort to not feel that way everyday so i can continue to show up as is required by me and as is needed bc when i don't, shit falls apart
gonna have my wifi on for a while then go shower maybe or idk sleep im so done man - i'll obviously make sure they all end their days well and my sister sleeps well first
i wish i could journal or smth or idk go away i want to disappear i wish i could just be gone
lol ik it wasn't smth i mentioned specifically to myself but getting old enough to know more and more family history and drama and bullshit as i grow up is another reason i didn't want to stay everything is miserable and my existence is just so bleak
tangential to last reblogged post, one of the single biggest things you can do as an adult to improve communication between you and children and increase their overall ease in ANY situation is to allow them to express emotions to you without minimizing it. it can be very very tempting to bust out 'it won't be so bad' when a kid is afraid of something or a 'you'll see them again soon' when a kid is homesick but i promise you, i PROMISE you that the kid will be better served by a "that DOES sound really scary" or a "you look like you feel REALLY sad that mom is gone". you will not escalate things by bringing further attention to the hard emotions, because things escalate when a kids reality is denied by those with power over them.
2:44:56 I crawled😂😂. Oh well we live to try. My half time is someone's full time 😅😅 ( no comparison becoming the thief of joy here, but worth a mention)
but we made it. Don't ask how am doing. Is every joint in my body achingly tender ? Yes, I have muscles activated I didn't know existed you! Nonetheless we proud, we happy, and this is just the beginning.
if you read about any biology you can quickly lose touch with what is astonishing and miraculous vs what is mundane, from animals that steal chloroplasts to become photosynthetic, to cloning technology being old hat, to trees that didn’t biodegrade for tens of millions of years, to naturally occurring lateral gene transfer between vastly different species, to the creation of gametes from adult cells, to the ability of some cancers to induce blood vessel growth, to desert shrimp that lie dormant for years, to the sensitivity of human touch receptors, to the fact that human hardware has a latent ability to see UV but their corneas block those wavelengths, to birds that echolocate and live in caves, to human skin being covered in enzymes that destroy RNA, to individual trees becoming genetic tapestries branch by branch, to life forms that gain energy from the electron potential of metals in their environments, to plants that recognize their siblings and adjust their behavior accordingly when growing next to them, to metamorphosis
which is to say. All of it is miraculous. and all of it is mundane. biology is Chaos vs. Order locking horns forever
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