- severus decided to go to therapy on his own. he told no one and chose a therapist in a different city
- the first time he met the therapist he was so apprehensive he almost left. the woman was taller than he was and she had a stern look. she never smiled but shook his hand firmly. her office had very few items besides the stuffed chairs
- she asked him questions and he answered watching her closely but she was completely neutral save for a few micro expressions. then she asked him why he came. severus had an answer ready but it took him a few minutes to get it out. he was in a cult, then he became an informant for 20 years. the leader of the cult nearly killed him.
- there was no judgement in her face save for the slight widening of her eyes. how was he supposed to know what to say if she hid her reactions well? she asked about what he wanted to get out his therapy.
- severus told her he wanted to move on. they spoke on what was holding him back. it was the trauma, lily, his high school, harry and dumbledore
- the following week, despite deciding to look for another therapist, he went back. she taught him breathing techniques to lessen the impact of his panic attacks and he bought elastic bands on the way home. it took him a few weeks but he snapped his wrist every time a train of self hating thoughts hit him
- a month in, they started talking medication. she talked him through the different types, the effects and side effects. severus charmed his medicine bottles to vibrate when itās time for a pill
- they decided that because he never really got say what he wanted, they would try letter writing. severus would write a letter to someone and burn it. in the beginning his letters were timid and he never really talked about much. it felt really good to destroy the letters. 62 letters later, he was feeling bold enough to write more, write harshly, let the anger and disgust he held back in their memory or presence spill out. throughout it all, severus would look over his shoulder, convinced he was being watched
- half a year later, one of potterās owls found him. severus was almost convinced he could send back a reply. the note was harmless enough but after half a day of putting it off, he sent the owl back and warded his apartment better
- six months in, severus had asked the therapist if there was something wrong with him. every forward step was met with one set back after another. the therapist told him that recovery was never straightforward, that he had gone through a lot in his life, that it will take time to become better. she advised him to note all the improvements, no matter how small
- severus opened his notebook and wrote down that it was two weeks since he occluded. it was five days since he was sick with anxiety. he did his breathing exercises. he walked in front of leaky cauldron without hiding behind his face. a man at a cafe smiled at him and he nodded back. he was sleeping five hours a night now. lily hasnāt been in his dreams in a month. dumbledore hasnāt been in his nightmares in a week. his book had three new chapters. the flat was clean. he found himself lingering in the animal shelter more often these days
- the next session, severus asked if it was ok to get a pet.the therapist talked him through the best animals for his case. a month later he went home with a siamese cat
- the first time he invited someone over, they had tea, watched a football game and drank wine over a conversation about a play severus wanted to see. the next morning, severus found them gently petting his cat
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