Untitled

[lunningcinguist-blog]

Five Things I hope For Myself In The Future

A heart as big as an elephants, that can hold emotion and conjure it, better than any witch ever could. To be my own man. Get bigger stronger shoulders to carry the weight of my feelings, my stress, my love, my pain... All the things a mere woman could never hold. A quickness to laughter and forgiveness and a memory that rivals dorys. An adventurous spirit, one to be nurtured and grown the way I wish that gooseberry plant could. An abundance of love for my lover. That pours and pours over again. That drowns. Revives. Quick death but life giving. Always.

[lunningcinguist-blog]

Grief

I grieve for my spawn unborn and the girl that was then I grieve for lost dreams and opportunities, for all my what ifs and may have beens I grieve for what is now. It may not touch me, but it touches me and twists and turns and knots into a ball of lead that weighs me down I grieve deeply for my loss of innocence and of religion. I wish to find God but the abyss of darkness and filth is stronger and blacker than the light of him I grieve over my own sense of Inaccomplishment. My failures, many. The selfishness that has me grieving so openly even now with a full belly, while the wretched of the world scurry and scramble for food and to survive, with no thought of their grief

[lunningcinguist-blog]

If i were bolder... I would look you dead in the eye. No shy. Keep the look prolonged. Smile. Hold my chin on my hands. Tell you I think you're cute. If i were bolder, I might walk to your table. And ask you what your name is. And what you were doing for the rest of the day.

[bob-belcher]

[lunningcinguist-blog]

I need to be alone now Right now Right here with you I need to be alone now Right now Right here with you I need to be alone now Right now Right here with you I need to be alone now Right now Right here with you With you

[Chorus: Lady Zamar] I need to speak to Charlotte I need to call Charlotte I need to tell Charlotte He don't need you Charlotte I need to speak to Charlotte I need to see Charlotte I need to tell Charlotte He don't need you Charlotte I need to speak to Charlotte I need to call Charlotte I need to tell Charlotte He don't need you Charlotte I need to speak to Charlotte I need to see Charlotte I need to tell Charlotte I need to be alone now Right now Right here with you I need to be alone now Right now Right here with you I need to be alone now Right now Right here with you I need to be alone now Right now Right here with you With you[Chorus: Lady Zamar] I need to speak to Charlotte I need to call Charlotte I need to tell Charlotte He don't need you Charlotte I need to speak to Charlotte I need to see Charlotte I need to tell Charlotte He don't need you Charlotte With you I need to speak to Charlotte I need to call Charlotte I need to tell Charlotte He don't need you Charlotte I need to speak to Charlotte I need to see Charlotte I need to tell Charlotte He don't need you Charlotte With you With you With you I need to speak to Charlotte I need to call Charlotte I need to tell Charlotte He don't need you Charlotte I need to speak to Charlotte I need to see Charlotte I need to tell Charlotte He don't need you Charlotte I need to speak to Charlotte I need to call Charlotte I need to tell Charlotte He don't need you Charlotte I need to speak to Charlotte I need to see Charlotte I need to tell Charlotte He don't need you Charlotte

[lunningcinguist-blog]

There are so many random things i’ve seen on the side of the highway while driving. The scariest and most vivid was probably what looked like a road rage incident.  There was an altercation of some sort between two drivers. The one had had just about enough and was ready to drive away when the woman of the other partner jumped on top of the car’s bonnet and wouldn’t get over, but the driver of the vehicle kept going and was close to merging into traffic. It was at that point that I stopped looking in my rear view. I still wonder to this day how it all ended.

[lunningcinguist-blog]

On my way to work today I found myself desperately close to tears over the weirdest and most random memory from my childhood. I must have been about nine or ten, and back then I was on the chubbier side of life. There was a sports day at my school and I was selected to represent my house (montague) at the internal meet against the other houses. I was going to be in individual races as well as the all important relay. The parents were invited to come and watch the festivities and my mum and gran came. I was so nervous especially before the relay, which would be one of he first events of the day. Our team coach had to decide who would run where in the relay. and they chose me to take the final stretch. There was a bit of rumbling, and I recall there was at. least one other person who wanted to persuade me to change places with them, but in all my fear I was adamant that I would finish the race as that’s the responsibility the coach had given me. Race time comes and i’m sweaty and nervous as hell, and I can barely believe that this is actually happening. It feels like hours, but really minutes, then the third runner is coming at  me and all I can think is, don’t drop the baton, don’t drop the baton. Then i’m running as hard as I can. I hear no one, see nothing. I’m not even sure I’ve made it to the finish line until i’m swooped up into my mums arms. I didn’t see her there but she had been cheering and waiting for me at the finish line. She didn’t realise I would run the way I did  or that I could run as fast as I did that day but she came to cheer me on with gusto anyway. The fact that my team won that race was inconsequential, just a nice bonus.

[lunningcinguist-blog]

So not only do I find myself married this year. I find myself married and in an open relationship. Yikes. Most of my friends know, my mum knows but outside of that I haven’t necessarily been open (hehe) with that information. But that’s neither here nor there. Now, i’ve been on a quest to find some quality people (read mostly men here) to spend time with. But it’s proving extremely difficult. What the fuck? I mean. When I was young (er) finding dudes was the easiest thing to do. All I had to do was smile in that way and bang, that would be another body bagged and tagged for the night. But now? Damn. I think now my standards are too high. Is there such a thing? The things I used to find sexy then or could ignore then, I just can’t now. It’s not possible. Smoking used to look sexy. Issa hell no for me now. Long hair used to tickle my nunu. Issa hell to the hellish no for me now. Buying me a drink was sexy; now I can buy my own bottles. In fact, the game changed the moment I got my salary and I could buy shit for myself and I no longer felt beholden to anyone for anything. Of course my whole feminist side also got an awakening - behaviours that I accepted before (which were hella unsafe) I couldn’t think to tolerate now. So the pool of men has dwindled. I demand men who understand no. That consent for one thing does not mean consent for anything else. I demand men who see me as a whole not a carrier for some parts they are interested in. I demand men who are also whole. And it’s weird, this wanting to be with and create with someone other than my husband something that’s not a relationship relationship. Do you get me? It’s rough out here. I can never go back to low standards. But i still want to live my best ho life. Sad

[90shiphopraprnb]

[lunningcinguist-blog]

The Thing With Believing in Yourself

So. Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of nudges from different facets of my life to think big. Not only to think big, but to write it down, then say it out loud, mantra things. You know that whole thing.

Each time I’m like yeah, I should totes do that!

I went only as far as recording a semi drunken voice note affirming myself and telling myself that I can achieve. But I haven’t had the guts to actually listen to it. And it’s crazy. Why am I so scared to hear myself say nice things about myself? Why is the thought of putting my crazy dreams/hearts desire on paper so hard?

Probably because theres just not enough of that self belief. Or that if I write it down, now the onus is on me to actually try make something happen? Or that I say something to Myself but someone says something different about me I’ll consider myself the liar?

It’s complicated. On top of my marriage, I’m in a very complicated relationship with myself. And it’s stressful as fuck!

Anywho. That’s all. Working on it. Working on me.

Did I mention today is a rest day? Thanks be to Black Jesus.

[lunningcinguist-blog]

New Year

Oh goody. I’ve made it to the new year. To be fair, this is the first new year of its kind. I’ve come out of the last one with a whole husband. Me. Married. My twenty year old self... wait, no, make that my twenty three year old self (twenty year old me was still drinking and ho-ing to even THINK about marriage) would be disgusted with me. Anywho. Yes. new year. Already I have that crushing feeling of not achieving. I’ve just about made it to the 15th day of my Jan `Bring the pain’ workout and let me tell ya, the next 15 days or so are naaaat looking good. In fact, i’m sitting here with a box of nachos and a glass of wine, while my topless husband tortures me with Top Gear. Do you know what’s really made me feel some type of way? This whole 2008 vs 2018 challenge. I dug out a a picture of me in 2008. Fuck I was skinny and so damn clueless. But dzamn. I had it good.  Let me not even get myself worked up about work cause oh boy! Oh, did I mention the other thing different about this year? My wife is also married. She came into the new year with a plus one as well. WTF. Everything changeth.  Kay. I’mma go eat my nachos now while I contemplate this thing called life.