As I sat in my chair, all my failures in life flashed back in my mind. Ever since then, I’ve always felt that I wasn’t a "winnable" person. I rarely got chosen to compete in contests by my coaches. I thought it was normal because, as they say, sometimes we win, sometimes we lose our battles in life.
Yes, I envy people who easily clinch victories without even putting in much effort. Meanwhile, as an average person, I have to exert so much effort, yet even that is never enough.
Recently, I earned a Diploma in Taxation. I initially wanted to become a Certified Tax Technician since it’s more convenient to renew every five years compared to the DIT, which is nonrenewable after five years. I felt a little hurt because I worked hard to study Taxation, yet this is the outcome. What hurt even more was when my mom said, "Why does it always feel lacking?" It also stung when my special someone didn’t even acknowledge my achievement, not even a minimal amount of praise. But then again, I must really seem like a sore loser in everyone’s eyes.
Last year, I was supposed to start working already. Not to brag, but I was almost hired by SB and Aboitiz, but my anemia acted up. It was devastating—I felt like I was depressed. I started to believe I was unlucky. I don’t even know why this happened to me. I did nothing wrong, so why?
I have already taken the Civil Service Exam three times. CSC has already earned ₱1,500 from me because I kept registering, yet I still failed every single time. I even enrolled in a review center to improve my answering skills. But in the end, I realized I must be really stupid. Up to this day, I keep telling myself that I am dumb, that passing an exam is so difficult for someone like me.
In my reflections, I’ve realized that people treat you better when you have achievements in life.But then, as I wiped my tears away, I started asking myself—does my worth really depend on achievements alone? Am I really just a sum of my failures?
I’ve spent so much time drowning in self-doubt, convincing myself that I am not enough just because life hasn’t been easy for me. But if I take a step back and look at the bigger picture, I realize that effort, resilience, and perseverance also hold value. Maybe I am not the fastest, nor the strongest, but I keep going. And isn’t that something to be proud of, too?
It’s easy to feel envious of people who seem to succeed effortlessly. It’s painful when others don’t see how much effort I put in, but maybe I don’t need validation from them. Maybe, little by little, I should start validating myself.
Yes, I failed the Civil Service Exam three times. But that also means I had the courage to try three times. Yes, I lost job opportunities due to my health, but that also means I was qualified in the first place. Yes, I feel like I’m not enough, but if I truly wasn’t, why do I still have the strength to dream, to hope, to keep going?
So maybe I’m not a winner yet. Maybe I still have a long way to go. But I will not let these failures define me.
To anyone reading this who feels the same way—just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing. We’re just in the middle of our story, and this is not how it ends.
For now, I will rest. But I will rise again.
baratheonpilled
blakekathryn
discoholicmusic
vaporwave
origamiaround
ellievsbear
pixelskylines
theartofmadeline