so i’ve been offline for a couple of weeks now and it’s been really nice . it’s also given me a lot of time to think about things that need to happen because i need to stop being scared of it because it’s no fun .
as some of you do know because i’ve brought it up to you or because others have come to you , i’ve been lying about my past . however , i’m hoping that you’re willing to hear my story before leaving .
five years ago , i was called out as bowie .
i don’t remember all of the details because i did everything possible to work with my fiance and my doctor to move past it and grow . there were some things in that callout that could not have been further from the truth and other things that are true and i’m not proud of .
first off , let me say that i did not hold onto any proof because my doctor told me that it would hurt more than it would help and he was right . letting go of screencaps and things let me heal and move on instead of holding onto grudges . that said , i can not prove anything that i am saying . but i am telling the truth . at this point , i have no reason not to .
for over a year before the callout came out , i was stalked by one of its creators . i won’t name them or tag them because they’re no longer on tumblr . however , this person was angered by something i had written years before and had already apologized for ( this would have been written nearly a decade ago for context ) and that i was friends with someone they deemed problematic . i also confided in them and another mutual friend about being uncomfortable with someone on the dash because they had helped someone try to end my relationship . that’s genuinely all i remember from the fallout with this person .
the person in question had my personal phone number , my home address , and knew where i worked . at the time i worked with a well known entertainment company so it wasn’t hard to reach out to them . i received multiple empty envelopes from this person , they attempted to reach out to my employer , and things got out of hand .
after the callout , my hangouts were publicly posted , i received death threats , and i was scared . my private social media accounts were posted publicly and tracked . my fiance and i moved out of our old apartment in part to try to feel safe .
that said … i was not perfect nor was i completely innocent . i also participated in keeping an eye on them and watching their blog because i was obsessed with my own reputation and trying to prove that they were a bad person .
i should have just let this go , but i didn’t .
this spiraled for years until the callout .
i will never pretend that i was perfect or that i didn’t talk about people behind their back . because i did . i vented to people i thought were friends and said horrible things i should not have . these things were not intended to get back to anyone . they were intended to stay in a small server of friends . however , they didn’t . and i learned from that .
however , many of the people mentioned in the callout were those i had already tried to make amends with . some , not all .
also , prior to the callout , i had only recently been medicated properly . this is not an excuse , however it does provide an explanation for some of my behavior .
at the time , i was bouncing between meds and was honestly out of my mind because things weren’t working . there’s an entire chunk of time missing from my memory because i was put on abilify and it completely fucked my brain up . i’m still responsible for anything i said or did during this time , but i genuinely don’t remember it .
after the callout , i was angry . i hid on other blogs in other fandoms and tried to ignore it and write . before i was found , i made mox’s blogs and started with the idea of trying to just write , not get involved with people , keep to myself , and try to have fun .
it was not started with the intention of hurting anyone or trying to keep tabs on anyone . i made blogs because i wanted an outlet and wanted to write . for the past two years , i’ve made it a point to try to keep my distance from people i knew had problems with me and i’ve worked on myself . i’ve tried to be someone who was positive and who tried to do the right thing .
in the process of that , the guilt kicked in because i wasn’t being honest because i was afraid not only of losing the people i’d befriended and cared about … but also because i was scared of this small group of people who had sent me death threats , who had posted about places i hung out , who i knew had my old address .
i don’t expect anyone to understand it all . and that’s fine .
i don’t expect people to stay. it sucks and it’s okay .
but i do want to say that i’m sorry .
i’m sorry for lying to you all.
i’m sorry to anyone i’ve hurt in the past .
and i’m sorry to anyone who still feels like i’m trying to hurt them or i’m going after them .
i have no intention of going after anyone or keeping tabs on anyone .
i’ve let go of so many grudges and so much anger from five years ago and i’ve spent the past few years trying to show that i’m a better person .
and that starts with being honest .
i do want to say a specific i’m sorry to @deadlcrd ( i know that blog isn’t active , but i don’t know the url you are active on ) . i don’t remember what happened back in 2018 . i do remember we didn’t like each other and i said things i shouldn’t have about you behind the scenes . and for that , i’m truly sorry . i’ve been made aware that you got a hit on your blog from me sometime last year and i just wanted to let you know that it was not from me stalking you or keeping tabs on you . i was looking through commission examples on a blog and the examples were listed only as ( 1. 2. 3. ) . i didn’t realize that they weren’t linked as example pages but that they were linked directly to the blogs that commissioned them until after i started looking through them . i’m so sorry that i made you feel like i was watching you . i have no ill will toward you and wish you nothing but the best .
again , to anyone i’ve hurt , even unintentionally , i’m truly sorry and understand if you don’t want to speak to me .
i don’t know when or if i’ll be back around as i’m currently focusing on writing a book during NaNoWriMo . i’ve logged out of my rp discord to keep focused on that , but i’m willing to give my personal to mutuals who want to keep in touch .
i’ll be reblogging this on my active blogs and will have it linked in my rules if i do come back as i will continue going by mox as i’ve done everything i could to put my mistakes as bowie behind me .
i’m not going to be discussing much regarding this or answering things publicly as , again , i’m trying to move past this and would like the chance to continue showing you that the person you’ve known for the past years is who i really am .
no matter what happens , i hope you all keep thriving and i’m cheering for you <3
