book of alyssa

in her we trust

[lyssalations]

...

i wonder

does a bird ever feel the way i do

lost in a flock, but not really a part of the crowd?

wandering through rows of wings, trying to find a space to fit in?

they're welcomed, they're not cast away

but still something feels wrong

it doesn't feel right

they feel out of place, even amongst the smiling faces and people they should find kinship with?

does a bird ever feel that way?

or is it just me, who can't seem to find her place?

i wander and i drift and i flip and i flap and i fly and i dive and i swim and i run and i race and i chase

and nothing fits

nothing sticks

and just when it looks as if it might, i lose my footing

i get lost and i fade and i slip and i slap and i fall and i drown and i go down down and down

right back down into that place where it's just me and the wind on my face and the clouds that paint the sky and the warmth that coats my skin with moisture

just me and the brown of my eyes that matches the dirt beneath my feet

just me flying alone as all the other flocks circle me and move surely but freely and knowingly and pleasantly without me

i don't mind being alone

i love my wings with their fluff and their sleekness and their ruffle and their color

i love my little talons that grip tightly to the branch that keeps me tethered to the world

i love my small but built frame that contains the fierce little heart that beats and thrums and bums wildly in my ears

i love being alone, riding the wind and the waves and hearing the music that mother nature whispers to me

and yet i would love to have a flock of my own

i am desperate to have wings flapping beside me, different but similar

i am desperate to fly with those that see me as one of their own, that see me for who i am and build a connection with me stronger than any vein or muscle or bone

stronger than the will of nature herself

i wish to have other birds at my side that make me feel like i am something more than a lost bird with a thrumming heart and a soul too old for my own good

i want to be seen as something more than another bird in a flock that pretends to belong because i'm not sure how else to survive

because i am more

i am so much more

i am the raging sea and the lightning in a storm

i am the thunder that shakes the earth and cracks the ground

i am the howling wind and the swaying trees

i am the roots of bushes that grow into the ground

i am the warmth of the sun and the cold of the moon

i am the light of the stars

i am the beauty in a flower

i am the brain of an owl

i am the claws and fangs of a wolf

i am the wit of a fox

i am the stealth of a feline and the breathe of the universe

i am the light that guides the way

i am the master of my fate

i am the gift to the souls that mingle with mine

i am the love that echoes through us all

i am the emotions we can and can't describe

i am everything and anything and all

but most of all i am deserving

i am deserving of they who will take me as their own, they who will care for me when i have not the strength to care for myself

i am deserving of they who will help me continue when i struggle to fly

i am deserving of they who will see me as all that i am and can be

i am deserving of that connection that is stronger than nature herself

i am deserving of the kind of laughter that warms your bones and the kind of tears that make your soul sing

i am deserving of the touch that makes you shiver with glee

i am deserving of the cool wind blowing through my hair

i am deserving of a resolve strong a brick and a smile bright as morning-moisted grass

i am deserving of the kind of fire and heat that fills you and burns you in out and without

i am deserving of the fire that burns and rebirths and the ice that calms heals and reflects

i am deserving of all i wish for and desire

i am deserving of peace and pain

i am deserving of a flock of my own to fly alongside

i know by the light of the moon and the whispers of the stars and the sureness in my bones that i will get what i deserve

but i also know myself and i know my impatience and i'm not sure how much longer i can or must wait

but wait i will for what i know is coming

because no longer will i settle for that that is ill

for a while yet i will soar alone

high into the skies i will rise, the sound of my wings flapping against the strong winds and the melodies of mother nature ringing in my ears

i know she will guide me to what awaits

i know i won't always wander and drift and flip and flap and fly and dive and swim and run and race and chase

i know soon i will reach my destination

i know soon i will land and dance and soar and cheer and run and race and sing

with those that see me as one of their own, that see me for who i am and build a connection with me stronger than any vein or muscle or bone

stronger than the will of nature herself

[lyssalations]

...

my mind is like a prison

my eyes are the bars, my mouth is the locked door

and caged inside are the words

the words that spin and chase each other around

the words that string together to form beautiful kingdoms and roaring waterfalls and enchanted forests

the words that create life and death and love and hate

the words that are too much too powerful too enthralling to ever be released beyond the bars

but sometimes it becomes too much

too much to cage too much to hold too much to hear to feel to know to hold back

and so the words slip

they slip away and out

wriggling between the bars and squeezing past the cracks in the door

they escape and they breathe and they dance and live in the world beyond the cage that is my mind

[lyssalations]

.......

"i'm not a broken record for you to fix! i'm not some story for you to read, i'm not a fairytale!"

"no, you're not! but that is my mind that is my life that is how i think! this stupid book- this was my life! this was all i had! this, this is what you had! you had the streets, you had the drugs, you had your escape, you had people to look out for you, people who had your back despite all the shit, even if it was a temporary fix. you know who had my back?? you know what was my escape, my temporary fix?? fictional fucking characters. this shit was all i had! and it sounds dumb and childish but this shit kept me alive, because i was holding out for something better, something that made me feel what they described in the books. you make me feel like that so i'm SORRY that i think poetically, that i use big words. i'm sorry that i think of you as more than this! i'm sorry that i actually found that and i'm sorry that i found it in you! i'm sorry i stop you from doing stupid shit because i don't want to lose you! i love you and i'm sorry if you think you're a broken record or a fairytale but you're not. you're real to me, and you always have been."

[lyssalations]

do i like reading because it lets me escape reality, or do i like it because it lets me escape myself?

the chaos of my mind fades away as my eyes are captured by the ink, my fingers itching to turn the pages and fall deeper into a world where i am nothing.

in reality, i can't escape the girl that's in the mirror. i can't abandon her body and cast away her mind.

but as soon as a shiny cover catches her eye she becomes a husk of her reflection, captivated by the worlds someone else's mine created.

she prefers those over the one around her, the one filled with people passing by that don't spare her a glance or reach out a hand to pull her back.

sometimes she wonders if the writers she admires so want to escape themselves.

sometimes she wonders if everyone does.

and then her mind ceases her and pulls her back and then she's swept into a whirlwind of the very chaos she hates, the insanity she's desperate to escape.

and oh thank god if a book is in reach and all she has to do is reach out a hand and scan the pages, slowly clawing her way out of her mind and into the words of a world full of wonders.

but bless her if there isn't and she's stuck.

bless her if there's nothing and no one and no literature that lets her forget her existence, no distractions that let her slip between the bars and past the guards and escape the prison of her mind.

bless her if she's trapped, screaming and crying and begging for freedom.

but no one hears her.

no one ever does.

because it's all in her head, and nothing, not even a whisper of sound, can escape it.

[moonsofsappho]

i'm sorry but NO ONE can convince me that there is anything more attractive than being pinned to a wall. NO ONE.

[lyssalations]

she did this yesterday and omg-

[starry-eyed-lesbian]

when you video call with her and every time you look at her, you smile, so by the end of the call your cheeks hurt >>>

[lyssalations]

literally i love her so much-

[lyssalations]

OKAY SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME

there was a bucky x reader fic i read a longggg time ago where y/n was like dating john walker to keep up appearances or something and bucky was attracted to her and it got s p i c y and she went to his place to tell him she was on his side and it got even MORE SPICY

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME FIND IT!!!