Like fundamentally i just dont hold the same value as i did before as a human being. i am not part of the "us" that many of my cis loved ones are imagining when they think of "us,'' including family. I am apart, but im only supposed to be aware of this when its convenient to the cis people around me. im supposed to graciously accept my place and be grateful for any superficial gestures at not being actively hostile. and you know, sometimes i really am grateful for those gestures because at least they show that somewhere deep down, cis people know they *should* see me as one of them. and maybe thats enough? or at least its better than nothing.
so being aware of this means being friends and lovers with cis people so long as they say all the right things to earn brownie points or even just dont say anything *too* offensive. but never expecting them to sincerely empathize with me.
this is the thing that i think makes me so angry about my cis therapist encouraging me to give up on trying to work things out with my boyfriend when we were both still buried in dysphoria and trauma and internalized homophobia. Using leading questions to imply that the consideration i give other people and my place in the world is excessive. when the time came to deal with a more serious issue that is really horrific, i was asked by my therapist whether or not i had anyone else to talk to (because apparently its not him?) and i could say: yes, my trans boyfriend. never in a million years would it go the other way around. when my trans life and emotions are too much, i can return to the trans people in my life. i can return to the "difficult" people in my life who wont begrudge me my own complexity. cis people get to be tourists but want to be taken seriously enough to get me to sever my actual, stronger bonds.
