Anxiety and Finances
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The first time I realized that my general anxiety disorder may be impacting my spending habits was when I was in the middle of PetSmart, nearly in tears, because I was afraid I wasn’t spending enough money on my cat for his birthday.
I have a very cute cat. He is very sweet, very social, and very indifferent on the majority of toys he gets. He has two favorites, and that’s about it. I ended up blowing my fleeting budget on a cat tree (which he already had). He never touched it, and I ended up giving it away.
The next year, I briefly dated a coach from the gym. When we matched on Bumble, I convinced myself I needed to go to Old Navy to get a new workout top that was cute, and flirty, which would seal the date.
If did not. After two dates, he ghosted me and is now in love with a woman who is far more fit than me, but with the same first name. That does wonders for my self-esteem.
Writing these instances out feels juvenile. It feels silly to panic over a date, or a cat’s birthday, or the idea that my apartment wasn’t “fall enough”, leading to a binge shopping spree. It didn’t feel silly at the moment. It felt overwhelming. I still remember the panicked feeling in my chest, the single obsession I had, the rapid heart, the trick my mind did, which was assuring me that the second I made these purchases, Larry (the term I give my anxiety), would simply vanish.
I’ve been reading “Bad with Money”, a book by Gabby Dunn about finances. This was the first financial book, where mental health was addressed, and I didn’t feel like absolute shit at the end of reading it. Typically, every book I read or financial advice I get, revolves around “Be better.”
Here’s the truth: For those of us who are not neurotypical, “being better” is not as easy as you think.
I was in a denial for a long time that my mental health was impacting my financial behavior. I would do something impulsive and then feel devastated that I was a terrible, unworthy human being, spend some time in bed, crying and watching YouTube videos, telling myself “I AM GOING TO CHANGE”, then falling back into a terrible cycle.
For those of you who are reading this and thinking “You entitled millennial, saving money isn’t that hard, you’re just lazy”, let me tell you what an anxiety disorder feels like.
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Something slightly unexpected happens, or a major work type thing is approaching (e.g., academic conferences, deadlines, a date). I start to think about it. I start to have graphic dreams about something going wrong during said event, usually involving blood, death, or something worse. My stomach starts to turn into knots. My heart rate starts to rise. It feels like I’m about to die or lose control. My head sometimes gets light. I get dizzy. I start to focus singularly on one thing that will “Fix this.” Typically it means purchasing something that may help, or at least something that will make me think I’m ready. I buy that thing, and I get a tempory relief.
It is not fun. It is not “all in my head. There are somatic symptoms. And it hurts my finances in ways I only realized recently. If you struggle with this, or mental health and managing finances here are a couple of things I want to say:
You are not a bad person for your finances. Likewise, if you have a ton of money, you are not automatically a good person. Money does not indicate self-worth.
Practice grounding. Whenever I get an anxiety attack, I have a list of things I try to focus on. I review all of the names of the Harry Potter books, the Horcruxes, where they were hidden, who killed them, etc. etc. Sometimes I even text my friends and say “I’m having an anxiety attack. Text me Harry Potter trivia.” It works. Pick something you know a lot about, or focus on reciting all the states you can.
See a therapist. I love therapy. I think it’s great. I get to tell someone all about myself and they are forced to give me insightful information. It’s everything I have ever wanted.
Keep a list of self-care activities that are free with you. I have one in my Bullet Journal, broken down by category. If I spend ten minutes playing guitar, even if it takes every fiber of my being, I tend to feel better, and the anxiety lessens.
Understand the system is set up to fail you. You are not a failure, especially in graduate school, for not having a lot of money. I am insanely privileged to have parents to help me out when I get in a tough spot, and I understand not everyone has that ability. It’s hard for the average person to escape the consumerism culture. It’s even harder when you have mental health issues, and everyone is selling you on devices, and hair care in the name of “self-care.” If you end up spending some money or falling victim to that, it’s ok. You’re not a failure-the system is failing you. Look forward, not backward.
Forgive yourself once in a while. When I started being kinder to myself, I notice I stopped having as many spending sprees, and I’m better at controlling myself.
Talk to everyone. Ask your professors how they made it through grad school. I recently started asking my grad school friends how they manage their money, and it’s helpful. I know I’m not alone, and I occasionally get tips. When my professors mention budgets, I ask them how they keep track of them, and they’re helpful.
Avoid the people who make you feel bad. Graduate students aren’t always the most chill, down to earth people. Some people come into programs with a lot of money, and hearing them talk about blowing money on things I couldn’t dream of, or their ability to jet off when they want, makes me feel like I’m a failure. Other people will convince you that since you are not doing exactly what they are, you’re a failure. The older I get, the better I am at avoiding those people and cutting them out of my life.
Find the resources that work for you. Reading Bad with Money has helped me with the shame of my finances. The podcast was where I started. Also, You Need A Budget, has been the most helpful app in terms of understanding budgeting. It’s free for students for a year I believe, and they have some great information that doesn’t focus on shaming you. Dave Ramsey never did it to me-I just felt ashamed that I couldn’t add a pizza delivery job to my already full schedule. Plus I’m a left-leaning, brown, bisexual woman, and I couldn’t help believing that I was his target audience (this may not be true, but it’s a feeling I got).
Focus on positive feelings. I used to try and shame myself out of spending money, which didn’t end up working. I would focus on the guilt, which would just flip me into “I am so anxious that I need to spend 12 hours in bed to avoid the world.” I’ve been trying to think “If I save money, I can buy my parents something ice” or “This ten dollars can be spent on a vacation/tattoo rather than coffee.” Instead of shaming your current or past self, think of investing in your future self.
For the love of God, sleep. Therapy helps. Medication helps. Meditation helps. But sleeping is the best thing for my anxiety disorder. When I get a good nights rest, I feel so much more in control. I feel ready. I go to sleep around 8-8:45 pm, and I have learned to love it. Please do not fall into the stupid grad school myth that if you’re not working until 2 am, you’re failing. It’s bull. My work is so much better when I feel positive and rested.
I’m not going to pretend I am perfect with my finances yet. Hell, I’m not even close. But sharing my thoughts and perspectives with others may help someone down the line. And the more I share, the better I feel. I shouldn’t be ashamed about my mental health or my finances. Because the more I keep those in the dark, the worse they get.
