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$LAYYYTER
if i look back, i am lost
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@maddarknessattack
So, I just hurt my elbow and checked three times wether it was okay or not, because I hoped it was dislocated or something so I wouldn't have to go to work or take an active position in social gatherings. Yup. Life sucks sometimes.
Music from 2009 makes me so fucking sad, because it reminds me of the times where I still thought life was great and full of possibilities. Where me and my best friend of the time spent hours and hours playing and drawing to that music, we would go out and have fun, the world was still truly magical. And then she got together with that guy.
I have to hold a presentation in front of class and write a math exam today. Every step closer to the school building makes me feel dizzier and I think at this point everything that keeps me going is adrenaline and the last few pieces of my will to pass
Dragging myself to school
..often feels like theres another version of me bound to my back, which is screaming and yelling in panic, trying to cling onto anything, scratching on the walls, basically, it is pure terror. And to actually make it to school, I have to manage ignoring it and not let it's terror consume myself, like it does so many times..
Having a depressive episode and feeling all fucked when you meet perfectly happy people..
Its terrible. Everything seems beautiful. And then I am here, feeling like somebody exchanged my insides with those of a highschool trash bin...
Anybody else who starts crying everytime they listen to Linkin Park since Chester's suicide? It still makes me so sad.. I have so many great, so many terrible memories and emotions which are bound to their extremely beautiful music.. I wonder if he is somewhere out there.. even though I'm not religious.. It helps me to light a few candles sometimes, feels right.
So, Yesterday I asked my boyfriend,
..if I still have pads and tampons at his home (I spend a lot of time there, so I have a drawer in one of his cupboards). He replied "Pads, yes. Tampons just one." When I got there I checked the drawer and guess what, there were no pads, only a package of pantiliners and in the back of the drawer there was a full box of tampons. Thank god I didn't trust him and brought pads on my own 😂.
What if you actually disappeared every time you wished to?
Like, something embarassing happens and your anxiety kicks in and next thing you know you pop up somewhere in the desert? And then to get anywhere near your home you just start getting into awful situations so you always pop up somewhere else?
Yup.
Isn't it funny that doing your fingernails makes you feel like you're a person that has got its life together?
You guys know "I'm so sick" by flyleaf?
Well I was sitting in the bus when it started and perfectly at the first break when she starts screaming the bus went full into the breaks. Holy fuck. I feel awake now.
How is it possible to use so much parfume that it makes others unable to breathe?!!
Like what the hell?! How hasn't that person suffocated yet? I sat beside them in the bus and couldn't fucking breathe! I had to change places!! Social anxiety HELLOOOOOOOOO
You know what I really like to do before falling asleep?
Imagining how people around me would react if their favourite fictional characters would walk into the classroom one day. Its even funnier because most of my so called classmates aren't very intelligent and would scream out of joy if their maniac mass murderer stood before them..
TIPS FOR CHEERING UP:
Put on "centerfold" on full volume!
Maybe you guys can help me? :3
So, I'm great.
Three years ago, I was suffering from extreme social anxiety, depression, panic attacks and resulting self harm.
But I've been in therapy for almost 2 1/2 years now, and I'm getting better than good. I'm able to do whatever I want, when I want. I have made friends. I'm getting better at school.
But here's the problem: I feel like I miss my old problems.
Which is very weird, because I know, that those problems were REAL problems and made me feel terrible and everything.
But now I feel so bored. Life is normal, no drama, no fantasy left. And the music I loved so much doesn't appeal to me anymore.
It feels like I miss feeling terrible and I just don't see why.. help? Thanks :)
What is that feeling
When you're outside and just find the world so goddamn beautiful that it makes you incredibly happy but you wanna cry at the same time?
"Hey look at that bird, isn't it beautiful?"
Sometimes it feels pretty weird being depressed AND a complete optimist. Like.."yeah life sucks and I feel like everything keeps dragging me down, but hey look at that bird, isn't it beautiful?" I keep realizing how lucky I am to be this kind of an optimist, but I wonder why I am. Because I have so many huge bad memories and so little good ones, and yet my sight at the world is a conserned smile.
"I'm miles above you"
So I was just listening to music when the singer said "I might also buff you". I was like "shit another one of those gaming tracks?" But. BUT. It said "I'm miles above you". WHAT HAVE MMORPG'S DONE TO ME