Dreams Never Come True

Personal diary

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

People keep telling me they're worried about me. had a few more panic attacks since my last post about them My last one was walking back from a kebab shop after running into one of my friends boyfriends who I upset/pissed off at New Years by talking to him about his depression that he was suffering. That his girlfriend had confided in me. Plus being a complete asshole blacked out that night. Soon as I saw him said hi and made little bit of small talk. He seemed fine with me, maybe he didn't want to talk to me but the conversation was brief, pleasant and friendly but I froze up and struggled to reply after a few exchanges and swiftly returned to online shopping on my phone out of embarrassment. As I left said bye to him and walked down the street got all of 50m before I was over thinking about what had happened at new year and how he must obviously hate me. Boom. Couldn't breathe. Felt faint and my chest was tight. By the time I was home in 5 minutes or so it was full blown had to just sit down and not eat. Get my water and calm down. Fuck panic attacks.

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

Coming out to family

Dinking for a few hours and realising (in a rather drunk state)

I will only come out as bisexual  to my whole family after my grandparents have passed away, purely as they are very conservative and old fashioned, though I feel they would be accepting but I don’t want to put  pressure on them, it seems easier now.

 So my personal vow is to not come out till a later point in my life to my family ( If I get a hot Bf maybe that would change lol)

   Makes that day to day stressss easier.

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

Carried on sorting my room today got a big pile of clothes to take to the recycling unit down he road from me. So still making moves 👍🏻 Unfortunately atm I'm in bed unable to sleep. Talking my thoughts out loud occasionally, my mind is on overdrive. Super overthinking and anxious. Sucks so bad, just feeling this way makes me realise seeking treatment can be no bad thing. I should remember this feeling, not be scared of it, but embrace it and let it motivate me why I want to change so bad. That's the positive I'm taking away. ts motivation and a point to move on from.

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

When your crush follows you on Instagram first 👌🏻👍🏻😋.

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

Best friend is telling me she noticed I'm in a "cycle" again as she calls it. meaning I'm having a depressive streak 👎🏻 I have noticed to be honest was kinda ignoring it. She's pushing me back into the doctors. Nice to have have friends that care really and put me back onto the right path occasionally.

Cleaning out my room and binning so much crap and paperwork that I have been hoarding.

clean start once I change rooms in my house. There really is no need for me to keep so much of this junk!

Time to sort it out! bin what I don't need/ haven't used some of it ever in the last 5 years of being moved out.

No drinking this month. swore that too myself already. Just positive vibes moving room and hitting up the gym.

All in all moving forward, got to stop stagnation and feeling comfy. Got to go for the uncomfortable and driving onwards.

I want to be better mentally

I want to be better physically

I want to be in a better surrounding

Those are the goals time to get the fuck moving again.

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

People always tell me i should talk about my problems.

I’m quite happy managing them myself and in social situations using alcohol as a crutch.

Unfortunately this comes back to viciously bite me in the ass when I’m in intimate social situations without alcohol.

Prime example yesterday had one beer and shared a bottle of wine with a few friends, sat round chatting and listening to music till 3am, Puuurfectly fine.

Today go round to have a meal with zero alcohol, struggled like fuck with conversation and being social.

Now it’s not like this is the first time dealing with this situation it’s something I’ve been dealing with and learning to cope with better over the years

Firstly being aware of appearing visually anxious had to stop myself feet tapping, finger drumming, staring at my phone avoiding people basic stuff, nailed that.

Kept that at bay, made sure i asked questions to draw conversation from other people because I’m anxious about being the centre of attention.

It went fine walked my friend home kiss on the cheek blahblahblah

Unfortunately once I’m walking back to my own house my chest starts getting tight, rapid breathing, shaking hands.

GREAT panic attack sets in.

Feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest, finally i reach my house. Let myself in grab a big glass of cold water practise some deep breathing, run though the thought process of acceptance that this is just a feeling of fear and it can’t hurt me.

10 minutes later feeling back to baseline, panic attack dealt with.

Now whose round is it and can I get a extra shot.

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

Top tip don't drink on DNP I've been so dehydrated for the last two days it's unreal. I was uncomfortably warm all night too.

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

Workout/ body progress

Lost a total of 6kg in 6 weeks, Been stepping up the HIIT cardio and doing my weight training ontop of this.

not going out for the next two maybe three weeks and aiming to lose another 4kg in this time

Decent diet, HIIT cardio, U/L weightlifting split if i can get to a point where i have lost 10kg Will be over the moon still 6 weeks left in my transformation aiming for 12kg weightloss minimum 15kg is my Aim.

realising how much fat you have to lose once you start cutting down is such a headfuck. between 74-78 is where i hope i will start looking lean otherwise i’m going to give up and become a permabulker :P

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

Another fun weekend partying with a new crew of people who are all amazingly fun. and the best part about this group of friends is they’re arn’t into the drug partying i used to partake in.

I finally formed some new friendships now based around taking drugs and that feels awesome. Top Bannana for me.

Quiting weed was a good first step with this.

Been feeling a little better about things too. like i’m not really happy or anything i’m more in limbo between being sad and happy and this is bearable.

But its 1:45am and i’m got 90′s tunes on being hyper as fuck.

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

had a cool night tonight bottle of wine with one of the besties good chat and catchup.

Good to see the girl tbh missed socialiseing (<-- lol)

Off out with her next week for a lauh

Right now though i’ve just slammed a small handful of different sleeping pills

already downed a pint of water with them now its if to wash them down with stella, milk or cola

i just want to sleep

not with benzos though as benzos + alcohol = you’re going to have a bad time

time to sleep

see how dry and gaaked up my mouth will be tomorrow after this concoction

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

If I was a sim I would just have the insane trait multiple times.

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

Unhappyness

So unhappy it hurts, over the last few weeks I've been lying to myself, about just

How unhappy I am.

I'm unhappy, I've been feeling suicidal again. My daily sadness is back, the dark thoughts, the complete loss of motivation.

Justifying going out to drink this weekend was a culmination of wanting a release and an escape. It didn't work.

Yeah I saw some friends and made some new ones.

Went and bought a couple hundred pounds of clothes and that didn't work. New aftershave. New Xbox game. Just everything I hoped would bring me a fleeting moment of happiness.

Unfortunately that didn't work.

I still smile for everyone else, hiding my real sadness from everyone, just show them smiles and bore them to death with my gym talk hopefully distracting them long enough to not notice I'm unhappy.

Sometimes people think I don't notice there eye rolls or the complete look of boredom when i go on about my gym "obsession" lol, I do notice and can see from there face they're bored but i rabbit on, it stops them asking questions.

If they asked about anything else in my life they would realise it's empty. I don't watch any films, TV shows, read, go anywhere new, see anyone new, do anything new, form new meaningful friendships and hiding this from people is crucial if people realised it would shatter the illusion of who I am, because that's all I feel I am is an illusion, just some made up figure I create with the words I say and the actions I do in front of other people. I am nothing.

I'm taking very little pleasure from anything

And have very little going on in my life.

Life is hard right now.

My every day thoughts I have to battle with are "hang yourself" "jump off a bridge" "walk in front of a train"

It's frustrating because I don't know what's wrong, i don't know what I need todo to be happy.

Hoping I have the capacity to change is what gets me by day to day, the hope it might change.

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

Great, feel like crying, laughing and getting punched in the face all at once

don’t know where my head is at i’m all over the place at the moment

walking down the street wanting to punch through peoples car windows

on the outside i’m traing to maintain my calm self and be nice to people

been abit manic for the last 4-5 days people at work have noticed my frends on skype have noticed it’s generally been noticed i’m abit all over the place at the moment.

Finished work today i just felt like asking my housemate to punch me i doubt he would without provication, or crying into my pillow

I have vodka in the cupboard i may have a glass or two later, right now i’m going to lay on my bed maybe try and sleep for a while and hit the gym later if i dont start drinking ( which in all honesty i don’t want too)

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

I'm sitting here, a bit drunk, listening to my roommate having sex. Not that I'm trying, I'm in the living room and she's in her room. They're...

What...?

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

people can suprise

Sometimes the people who you thought were uncaring, can show they care.

The people you thought cared, can prove they really don’t.

I like to be suprised by people, either way you learn something.

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

Invited to do cocaine twice in 2 days.

Giving up is harder when your friends are pestering you to come hit lines with them.

I'm tempted to take him up on it next weekend when it's the bank holiday.

Honestly I'm worried about steroids+recreational drugs as anytime people seem to get themselves in trouble (heart attacks/strokes etc etc) it seems to involve the mixture of the two, it makes it seem like it's a lot more Russian roulette then either on there own.

Having a existing heart condition always spooks me too. I've only had a few experiences on drugs where I have felt discomfort in my chest but that was mostly MDMA and excessive dancing in hot clubs.

Well I will see next weekend, maybe I will roll the dice and see what happens.

Seeing my old friends would be cool too.

[madmansdreamscape-blog]

Waddling about saying "ow" a lot, steroids are amazing and that but I'm working out so hard my body aches after my workouts last night I couldn't sleep because my triceps were smashed to pieces and left me in agony.

Today it's my back and forearms.

Just had to flop onto my bed with my back straight and without bracing myself because my forearms hurtttt