Mental well being is not easy
Anyone who knows me can be certain of two things
1) I am horrendous at social media
2) A slab of concrete is more transparent than me when it comes to my feelings.
✔️ Bad at written communication
✔️ Really bad with grammar (I use more commas than there are french fries at your local maccieDs)
✔️ Really, really bad at sticking with tasks I have set myself
‘Why are you writting a post about your mental health, surely everything you have just listed goes against the qualities of a succssful blogger?’ I hear you cry.
Well, yes you are absolutely right, but thankfully I’m not trying to be a succesful blogger I just wanna put some thoughts down and if five people read it then thats cool, if not… well I’ve done some self therapy.
Anyway, I’m at a place in my life where technically everything is going well. I’m in a long term loving relationship, I have a wonderful (albeit dysfunctional) family and amazing friends. I’m finally happy and comfortable in my sexuality and just about enter my fith and final year at vet school, meaning that in one year I will have completely my life long dream of becoming a veterinary surgeon. I have a year of doing what I love ahead of, going on placements at various veterinary practices where (under supervision of course) I will do everything that vets do.
The sun is shining and I’m about to go and have a lovely BBQ with my girlfriend and yet I’ve relappsed, wrapped in a blanket on my sofa and trying to shut my mind up with pointless youtube videos (no offence to the creators of said videos). I’ve had to miss my first week of final year because I physically cannot make the trip up to university let alone go in everyday. I simpledon’t have the mental, physical or emotional energy to do so.
I’m back in that place where everything is ok and at the same time nothing is ok. I’m lucky, I do get periods where I am pretty much ‘myself’ again. I’m ok and happy cause I’ve finally ‘beaten’ my depression but I eventually I always seem to spiral down to a point where It beats me. I sometime see it as though it has me on a lead and there will be times where the lead is so loose I forget it’s there but at any moment it can slowly wind it back in till I’m close to it. This time it was more of a whip lash tug around my neck.
It’s been like this for nearly five years… maybe longer if I’m honest but It wasn’t until summer 2016 that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety (after being forced to the doctors by my mum and a friend). I was put on antidepressents and perscribed a short cause of telephone cognitive behavioural therapy. I’m thankful for being dragged into that drs office that day no matter because it was such a relief and hope in know why I was feeling the way I was and that I could get help. Deep down I had know that I was depressed for about a year prior to this, I just didn’t want to admit it cause that would make it real. I think it all really started - or became unmanagable - when I suddenly had to question my sexuality (a story for another day).
Since then a lot has happened, I learned that I was definitely a lesbian (as you may have gathered), had to a year out during my fourth year of vet school and in September was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome (autistic spectrum disorder) which I can add to my collection of dyslexia and dyspraxia.
While the last few years have been a lot to take in, there is comfort in understanding some of my behaviours and thoughts. Maybe, that’s why I’m writing this because undertanding mental health is so important for everyone involved and that understanding starts with a converstaion even if that conversation gets lost in the millions of posts.
Regarding the title of this post, mental wellbeing can mean a lot of different things and is not a single destination. I’m working on it right now and a lot better than I used to be. I am getting profession help for my depression. I try and practice mindfullness (when I remember) and self care, I’m trying to eat more fruit and veggies. I’ll admit that at the moment it isn’t going to good at the moment as my process is:
- feel ok so stop doing everything that helps
- slowly spiral downwards
- rebound, where I take extra good care of myself and start running at a 100% again until I burn out and the cycle repeats.
There’s an idea (that I definitely get caught up in) that achieveing well being and self care involves embodying an instagram godess who inhales smoothies every hour, does yoga 36 times a day and lives inside a giant mango. Sometimes it’s just going to bed at a decent time, or brushing your teeth that day, having a hot shower and putting on some clean clothes, sitting outside as you sip your favourite drink, taking your tablets and watching a funny show.
So yes I am sitting here in a blanket on the sofa watching pointless youtube videos. Yes, it’s frustrating how I can’t control my depression or wish it away. I could beat myself up for the fact that I’m not on a run right now or socialising with friends or doing uni work. However, if I’ve learned anything it’s that you’ve got to focus on what you have done, no matter how small.
Today I have brushed my teeth, had a shower and put on clean clothes, I’ve even had a sit down in the sun. Later I’m going to have some good food and hopefully get a good nights sleep. Slowly, I plan to introduce healthy mental habbits (mindfulness/ breathing awareness, drawing and painting, going for walks/ runs) into my routine. For now though I’m going to do what I can.
Mental wellbeing is not easy but even the smallest steps in the right direction help even if it’s just a glass of water and looking a cute picture of a puppy
